In & Out [post]: The Birds

Don't they ever stop migrating?

Rating: PG-13 Runtime: 119 mins     Where: Basement

What's it about? A mysterious (and sexy) woman falls for a dude at the world's most chaotic pet store, stalks him all the way home, and somehow ends up in a bird-infused apocalypse. With him. And his entirely too-young sister. Are these satanic seagull shenanigan's this woman's fault? Unlikely, but according to a crazy woman in the local diner, everything was fine until she showed up. And if you can't trust someone having a meal with her kids at a restaurant during the middle of a school day, who can you trust?

What worked: Tippi Hedren is fine as Hell, and basically never leaves the screen, so in that regard, it's all good. The intrigue builds slowly, but steadily, which is also appreciated (the burn is fairly slow, right?). Oh, and there's enough sexual tension between Hedren and (twelve inches to a yard Hot) Rod Taylor to jettison Bodega Bay (and my pants) directly into the sun. Some of the bird chaos is pretty sweet, too, as you might swear that real birds are being tossed about.

What didn't: I didn't really give a damn about the mother-in-law angle, as that lady needed her eyes pecked out during every frame she appeared on screen. Ma'am, I understand you're having a rough stretch, but no one cares and you need to lighten the Hell up. Speaking of things that will kill you, the spectacle of a zillion birds attacking people (often kids, God bless 'em) is sometimes amazing, but often it veers into indecipherable chaos (rightfully so, I get it, but still).

Yays: Hitchcock cameo? Yes, please. As hot as Hedren is, that Rod Taylor is a handsome fella. I was a big fan of the big d--k energy he was perpetually putting out. Teacher Lady ruled as well, and she was putting out some major Edna Krabappel vibes (when she wasn't absolutely hammering some cigarettes). Oh, and let's not forget when the birds ravage the gas station! Holy crap, that was ridiculous.

Boos: F--k me, the sound of seven million angry birds was so agitating I wanted to go outside and immediately kill a pigeon. Sheriff Guy takes the award for least interested member of law enforcement ever (this is actually a Yay, let's be honest), as this guy ain't buying any of this bird business. I'm not sure what kind of plan is Okay, children, RUN HOME, but I guess there weren't a lot of options on the table. Guys, what the f--k was with that ending? Hey, she's pretty much out of her gotdamned mind, so, uh, grab the lovebirds and let's slowly drive to the hospital totally unmolested by the horde of birds that minutes ago wanted to beakf--k us all to death.

Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly far. Far far away from this movie. Eh, it's actually not that bad, but coming to the party almost six decades after the fact? That idea was, wait for it, for the birds.