In & Out [post]: The Batman

Justice. The answer's justice.

Title: The Batman Rating: R Runtime: 176 mins

Where: Regal West Manchester How tired was I: Very 

What's it about? We've known for years that Gotham is a bottomless shit hole tits deep in murderous villains and gangsters, sure, but somehow, it's gotten worse, making Batman's job, this go-round, even more loathsome than before. And now? Even being Bruce Wayne sucks a rain-soaked dick, as it turns out his family's tragic legacy was built on lies, murder and deep-rooted corruption. Or was it?

What works: Turns out, staying awake, as I enjoyed this one infinitely more the second time around. That scene with the (actual) bat? Yeah, I didn't catch a glimmer of that the first time through (and who knows what else). Obvious shit like actually watching the entire movie aside, I really enjoyed the casting, with Pattinson and Kravitz just eviscerating the screen with their deadly mix of charismatic aloofness and unrelenting sexiness. The score is an absolute banger, and doom-and-gloom of Gotham has never looked doomier and/or gloomier. Frankly, there wasn't much I didn't love...

What doesn't work: ...outside of the borderline oppressive runtime. I know this is a bitch-move and low-hanging fruit, but this sumbitch is big, and likely bigger than it needs to be. There's a lot of backstory here crucial to Bruce's mission to protect Gotham (honestly, he's one rainstorm [and epic soundtrack] away from being in a reboot of The Crow), but at times it feels like we're at a TED Talk dedicated to the city's seedy past. I'm not looking for a bunch of ill-timed flashbacks, but...it's a lot. Even on the (mostly) second spin.

Yays: The Riddler kicks ass on all fronts (Dano is an absolute beast here), and his introduction in the darkness was beyond fantastic. The only thing cooler than Batman destroying an empty subway stop full of hoodlums, is the sense that he's really enjoying beating the f--k out of those guys way more than he should. Speaking of enjoying things more than I should, Something in the Way is the perfect song for this movie - flawless victory, in every sense. Mine or yours? was a little Fight Club-esque, and I'm here for it. Colin Farrell might be actually be the best of this movie (the interrogation of the Penguin might be the funniest thing I've seen in quite some time), though a case could be made for Jeffrey Wright's Jim Gordon (ever since Shaft, I have loved this man in everything). Uh, that car chase scene...um, in a word F--KING HELL. It's so ridiculous for so long, I have no idea how they pulled it off. 

Boos: Sure, the Riddler's, um, riddles are fantastic, but can we also acknowledge his epic greeting card collection? I spend 47 minutes in Target per occasion, but this dude has the right card for everything. Though he came around by the end, Detective Martinez started out quite the d-hole (seriously, why do all cops hate Batman? He's doing there goddamned job for free). The police captain's voice still makes me laugh, as did that monumental wingsuit crash that seemingly came out of nowhere. Do you think anyone in Gotham actually watches the evening news? Holy shit, all they show is the a steady stream of psychotic chaos on the regular (and now let's take a look at the roads, shall we?). The sound of 900 cops scurrying might be the most unintentionally hilarious thing ever. And finally, what was that shit Batman injected himself with (that made him feel better while caving that dude's head in [almost])? Was that the stuff Bane has coursing through him? Tell me, dammit.

Uh oh. It's time to rank the Batmans...Batmen, isn't it? No, no it's not. Okay, fine. Not quite Keaton, but better than Clooney, Batfleck and Kilmer, easily. What about Bale you (didn't) ask? I loved Bale...but his Batman voice might push him to third, leaving Team Edward taking the silver - who knew?