In & Out [post]: Uncharted

Fell out of a car that fell out of a plane.

Title: Uncharted Rating: PG-13 Runtime: 116 mins

With: My older brother     Is Mark Wahlberg still alive? Maybe

What's it about? If you've played the video games or have the ability to imagine Indiana Jones minus a charismatic lead and mostly void of joy, you're halfway there. Add in something about a map and a lost treasure (and gold, sweet sweet golddd), and just like that...you've got everything you need to know about Uncharted.

What works: Three things: two gigantic action sequences and the infinite charm of Tom Holland. The action, the notable stuff, unfortunately pretty much bookends the film, with tons of silly exposition to slog our way through in between. But when things get crazy, it's inspired, and it's hard to not to be impressed with the spectacle of things that aren't supposed to be flying through the air doing just that. And yes, Holland is essentially playing Peter Parker as if Aunt May had been murdered, too, but I'm going to allow it. For now.

What doesn't work: My brother has an extensive knowledge of the games (I only played the first one [all the way through, mind you, who wants to f--king touch me?]) and seemed to enjoy the story, but between you and me, I didn't give a damn about any of it. The locations are all lovely, and it was nice to see pretty places on the big screen, but why we were there never really mattered. Oh, and I swear that the digital version of Sully was a bit more likable, as Wahlberg's version is mostly a greedy dick (my students have since confirmed but that's how he is in the game, mister! so there's that).

Yays: Did I mention Holland's charm? Dang. What about the crazy bit in the back of the plane, or the hoisting of treasure-filled ships via helicopter? Kind of mentioned them, too, didn't I? Well, uh...I went to the theater with my older brother who was in town (during a work day, no less), so that's probably the biggest Yay I've got.

Boos: This movie might not be that bad, but I think I was secretly pissed this was our only option. I don't even remember what else was out at the time, but our local movie theater, even when it's open, is barely open. At least you can get mediums now (for about a year it was, ooh, sorry, we only have large or small). On topic, most of what I heard about this film is how 'fast-paced' it was, but I thought it dragged. Which also appears to be how they got Wahlberg to set, as you get the feeling like he's got somewhere else to be (which is probably asleep, as that f--king guy wakes up at 2am to work out??). I don't think this one generated enough....anything...to warrant a sequel, but I'm going to preemptively Boo myself for somehow still going to theater to hate that one, too.

I Still Can't Believe: That Will Smith actually slapped Chris Rock last night at the Oscars. I know that has nothing to do with Uncharted...but I still can't believe that happened. Initially it looked more unreal than Holland climbing up boxes being towed through the sky...but here we are.