I don't know if this is an appropriate story...

I know you should never say never, but I feel like I'm never, ever, never ever going to be a stepdad. I've got two kids of my own, and trust me - that's more than enough.

If the situation ever arose where I wasn't married to my lovely wife anymore (um, is she divorced me, obviously), I would probably move to an abandoned cave like the Grinch and hope to die as quietly as possible with a dog I taped antlers to.

Remember, I teach other people's kids for eight hours a day. The only solace I take in this miserable existence? At least I don't have to parent them.

Daddy's Home is the laziest of lazy comedies. Likely written on a Jimmy John's napkin and fleshed out on a series of Post-It notes, this 2015 comedy is as bland and nonsensical as they come. Oh, there are certainly some laughs to be had, but Wahlberg and Ferrell could (and possibly did) do this in their sleep.

Ferrell plays, get this, an adorable loser lacking the respect of most people around him, namely his two step-kids, Sassy and Jerkface (that may not be the names of their characters). Shockingly in reality, but par for the course in a lame comedy, this giant doofus has a (relatively) smoking hot wife. And when her ex shows up to be a part of everyone's life again, it's not only the Daddies that are home.

So is the hilarity!

Even more pressing than the question why would I write that? is the question why would I watch this? The answer is two-fold, my sexy friend: one, I'm a moron and two,  my son has been desperate to see the second one (damn that ubiquitous trailer), so I wanted to take a look beforehand. Um, that's a negative, Ghost Rider. So consider seeing this flick a bad decision/good parenting.

Uh, or something.

Starting with least likely, could you three do me a favor and sit in order I would make sweet love to you? Thanks.

Hey look, it's the Yays and Boos. They seem kind of early, no? Eh, no matter. One's wearing a Christmas sweater and the other's wearing a leather jacket. Oh my God, that's hilarious. It's like, they're direct opposites of each other,...but they end up working well together. Like, one of them makes the bed, while the other steals the covers.

I often ask myself, What would Griff do?

Yaaaaaaaay!

• Kind of surprising, would be how fantastic Thomas Haden Church is in this flick. Usually the weird boss is a throw-away character that we hate, but he's pretty much the greatest part about Daddy's Home...
• ...well, other than Hannibal Burress, who plays a handyman named Griff. I once doubted this dude's relevance as a performer in the first Neighbors [review] movie, but between this small role and his stand up routines (which I've since discovered)? Consider me a big fan. Like, huge.
• As much as I ultimately hated Wahlberg's Dusty character, I can't help but love all the Boston in him. Cut the shit is a gold medal phrase in my Townie family, while I'll tell him to screw (or some variation) might just take the silver.
• You kind of have to respect a 15 year-old dog named Tumor, you know? He seems like he's seen some shit...back when, you know, he could still see.
• It's no Stiffler in American Pie 2, but the mere mention of a dance battle always gets my endorsement. And if Griff supports it...who am I to object anyway?
• Okay, the trailer gave away the part where Brad annihilates a cheerleader with a half-court shot at a Pelicans game, but there's a little more to that scene that's even better. I actually laughed my ass off, a memory I will cling to dearly...while roasting in Hell.
• I don't remember who even said it, but I totally respect anyone getting a tattoo of a golfball rolling toward their butthole. 
• And finally, while I'm years late to the party, and the surprise was totally ruined, I gotta say, I was (still) kind of excited when John Cena popped up. His brief role isn't as good as the glorious five minutes he had in Sisters [review], sure, but at this point? I'll take what I can get.

Booooooo!

• Okay, it was kind of funny how Brad (didn't) handle it, but man, I think I have to Boo the whole dental mishap. It hurts my junk just thinking about it.
• Sharing a room with your sister is bad. Doing it in a huge house? Terrible. But doing it simply because of one running joke? The worst.
• That CGI motorcycle crash may have been the dumbest thing I have ever seen. No, really. Take that in for a second. It's that f--king stupid.
• Granted, this whole movie is inappropriate for kids, but did we really need the scene featuring Dusty's massive balls? I don't care if they look like two Patrick Stewarts.
• Will Ferrell makes Christmas appear out of nowhere in one night. Uh, where I have seen this before? Oh, right. On FreeForm. Every single night in December.
• That dance battle was crushingly disappointing. I know, I know...what the f--k are you even talking about? Look, you. Sometimes, you gotta make the best of a bad situation. Hoping the Daddies would dance was a dark place in my life. I'm not ashamed to admit it.
• And finally, this got a sequel? And at one point, I WANTED TO SEE IT??? The f--k is going on around here?

Clearly, I have (shockingly) smartened up and will not be seeing the next Daddy's Home flick in the theaters, if at all. There is essentially a 1% chance that I somehow find myself spending another ninety-minutes watching these two a-holes make PG-13 dick jokes in a 'family' film. This isn't the kind of movie you take your son to.


Even if he isn't related to you.