Wednesday, April 20, 2016

On your bike, bitch.

1971 and 1973. Two years apart.

My older brothers grew up with each other. Had bunk beds, shared clothes, almost burnt down the house and even went to the same school.

1987 and 1990. Three years apart.

My younger brother and sister also grew up with each other, but they didn't share anything. Separate rooms, different clothes (uh..for the most part...damn kids), and again, went to the same school.

1979. Me. Right in the middle.


I don't really know what it's like to be close to a sibling (chronologically, or otherwise), but if it's anything like the relationship Tina Fey and Amy Poehler share in Sisters, well, I missed out. Though, frankly, between you and me, it was kinda nice being too young/old to have to share with anyone. Own room. Own friends. And own car. Okay, fine. Own access to car.

Fey plays older sister Kate, the trouble-maker, who, shocking no one, never really got her shit together. Poehler on the other hand, is the baby, an ultra-attentive and compassionate nurse named Maura, seemingly doing just fine. While they don't seem all that far apart to begin with, the girls are forced to come together after their free-spirited (and rather horny) parents decide to suddenly sell the girls' beloved childhood home. Aww.

Cue the trip down memory lane for the girls, as returning home has its fair share of dramatic confrontations with the past and sudden realizations about the future. Yeah, turns out you can learn a lot about yourself...when you don't have a job to worry about. Or anything resembling an adult life.

Also rather educational, is the giant f--king John Cena farewell party Kate and Maura throw to their house. Featuring sex, drugs, and lesbian-spun rock n' roll, what starts as a solid get-together, escalates into a full-blown rager.

Uh, Maura, I think your vagina's showing.
As contemporary R-rated comedies go, the setup in Sisters is fairly typical, yet manages to get the job done. Actual adult responsibilities only appear when absolutely necessary, and when they do, the wheels quickly fall off. Luckily for us, it's not that often, as the jokes are dispensed in steady succession.

If you're a fan of Fey and Poehler, Jason Moore's 2015 flick is a no-brainer, as it's exactly what you'd expect from the talented duo. If you're not on board with their antics, well...what the f--k, man, really? Who doesn't like Fey and Poehler? Jeez. You're such a dick. MOoooOOoommmm! The reader's being mean to cherished female comediennes!

Also tormenting Tina and Amy, are the Yays and Boos. Fine. It's mostly the Boos. But the Yays...totally won't stop staring at me. MOOOooOOooommmmm?!?

There is nothing classier than two carts full of shit from Big Lots. Nothing.
  • Do they get paid? 'Cause I would totally do that.
  • Surprisingly not terrible, John Leguizamo is pretty solid as Dave the 'underpass weathered' guy from high-school.
  • As cringe-worthy as it is, Poehler's butt rant cracked me up. 
  • Motherly advice: If you have to poo, go to Arby's.
  • Maura's list of good deeds is pretty impressive. Apparently, she once took a deaf friend to a Sheila E. concert. 
  • It gets a little too ridiculous for its own good, but their harassment of the would-be new homeowners is good for a few laughs (even if the actual couple suck horribly as functioning characters).
  • Though featured in the preview, the girls trying on party dresses is some truly funny shit. I almost shit myself when one of the girls was concerned she might zip my bush up in there.
  • So, uh, John Cena, right? Holy f--k does this guy look like a CGI mutant with how awesomely gigantic he is. And while he's fantastic enough just standing there, his scene detailing the bevy of narcotics he has to offer put me on Cloud 10. Oh, and something he was selling leads one to violently masturbate, which mystifies me endlessly. Like...describe...violent...
  • I don't care if it's only for two seconds, if Discount Double Check Guy shows's a Yay. Done.
  • Not sure who made the Grimace reference, or even what they were referring to, but I am damn sure I laughed for at least five minutes. Oh, how I love that giant, purple, dildo-shaped monster.
  • Second Cop was awesome. Loved that dude.
  • Is really a website? [It isn't] Well, it's inevitable creation still is something to cheer for.
  • And finally, my girl Hae-won. Easily the funniest scene in the entire movie, and possibly the funniest (intentional) thing I've seen in awhile, Hae-won and Maura getting to know each other, almost took my life. In order to not wake my wife (surprise!), I basically had to stop breathing in order not to laugh my ass off. What is lunch? Koreans love juice.

Solid night, I'd say.
  • This move. like pretty much every comedy with a heart is too f--king long. If it ain't funny, cut that shit.
  • Fey gets a lot of the laugh, but, uh...her character Kate, is kind of the worst. Like, she throws actual tantrums. On the ground. In front of people.
  • Man, I like Bobby Moynihan, like... more than a friend, but sweet f--k 90% of what he does here made me want to shit all over something. Something like...Bobby Moynihan for example.
  • Oh, and speaking of awful SNL-alum appearances, Maya Rudolph's pretentious bitch character, Brinda, was shockingly bad. Honestly, I get what they were going for, and it got a few laughs, but the whole bit with her little cronies made was stupid and pointless. And believe me, I know stupid and pointless.
  • Hmm, a story about how it sucks to get old and boring...and I'm watching it as my wife snores like a downed Tauntaun? Thanks for that. F--kers.
  • Kate's daughter and the accompanying subplot? No. F--k that noise.
  • The music-box gag required entirely too much setup for a payoff heavily featured in the trailer. 
  • People who casually f--k in front of everyone. Is this really a thing? I believe it...when I see it. *crosses fingers*
  • Do you remember that scene in The Lost World where the young girl does a impromptu uneven bars routine and you thought your eyes might literally roll the f--k out of your head and across the room? Well, we get one of those here. It's not worse, no...nothing is, but damned if it isn't close.
  • And finally, uh, is this a Christmas movie? What else could explain every single loose end wrapping perfectly? Fine. Other than the fact that it's a silly movie and you should just chill the f--k out, m. brown.
You know, more or less, all of my siblings are pretty talented in some way. All of them can play music. Three of them can cook. Two of them have really good jobs. And one of them might just be a bird whisperer. 

But me? I can't play a chord or a note. And my culinary skills likely peaked at macaroni and cheese. My job? I hate it more and more every day. Shit, my dog rarely listens to me, even when I'm shouting (I swear he only shits in our neighbors yard).

At least I have this blog, right? And I don't have to share it with anyone. 

Well, other than you.


  1. Completely agree about the length. I really dug this movie, but I have to admit - it was just a touch too long. Awesome review mate!

    1. Thanks, man. if not for the few scenes that really cracked me up, I might have been let down. However, even the little laughs are steady enough to let us forget about all the dumb shit crammed in here to make it more than just a raunchy comedy.

      Thing is, that's all I wanted.

  2. So you hate John Cena too? Good. Personally, I would love to beat the shit out of nearly everyone in the WWE including him and his new bitch Dwayne.

    1. Uh, I actually liked John Cena here, and don't really have a problem with the guy. I haven't watched more than a minute of the WWE since...shit...2000? And that was with my goofball roommates in college.

      But, hey. I would love to see you beat the shit out of nearly everyone in the WWE. That sounds f--king fantastic. I'll set up the tables!

    2. No tables. I'm going Dae-su on their steroid-induced asses.

  3. I love Fey and Poehler but I never got around to seeing this. It just looked like a little much.

    What is up with John Cena appearing in all these comedies recently? Shouldn't he be back ruining WWE?

    I had to youtube that corny ass Lost World scene again. Completely forgot about how stupid that was. lol

    Great review!

    1. it is a little much, but I still dug it overall. When Fey's not being a super-bitch/small child, and they are not talking about her daughter (goodness...this bit is the worst), it's pretty funny at times.

      I haven't seen Trainwreck, and honestly, not sure I'll ever get around to it. I know me. I'm pretty picky about the quality of the movies I watch. Uh uh.

      Few things in the world enrage me as much as that scene in Lost World. I wanted to burn our local theater down after that one, for f--k's sake.


  4. I don't much like Poehler and Fey. There are times I liked them but i get intense bitchy vibe from their faces and voices.

    Yeah I know. I'm terrible :D

    1. Really? I thought that bitchiness was all part of their shtick? Well, either way, whether it's their voices or face (hahahaha on that one), I'd say stay away from this one then.

      But that scene at the mani/pedi place...? That shit was HYSTERICAL.

      Oh, c'mon. Terrible? Not even close. Now if were talking JLaw and Schumer...