Thursday, June 5, 2014

We are the party.

Staying at home with my young daughter is great. And tough. Mostly great, but tough too. She's ten months old and, unlike any other woman on this planet, demands my presence at all times. If I stand up, even just for fun, she's furious. How dare you abandon me? her tiny face says, before it contorts into a human air-raid siren. The whole thing, while incredible, can be frustrating, exhausting and at times, rather lonely. So when I happened to go the movies with my wife (a small miracle), it meant everything to see someone going through the same thing. I saw myself in their victories, saw myself in their joy. But I also saw myself in their desperation and frustration, too. Yes, friends, I saw myself in Rose Byrne.

Neighbors, without a doubt, will be the best time I have at the movies all summer, perhaps even all year. Sitting in auditorium 7 with my wife and a half-dozen other people, I saw all the highs and lows of being a parent to a little one, played out in hilarious fashion. For most of you, rightfully so, the whole parent-thing is only a tiny portion of the flick, but trust me, it provides the right level of desperation for all the ridiculous things that occur. Things might go too far, sure. But when someone f--ks with your baby's sleep, all bets are off. I mean, I once thought about killing some Jehovah's Witnesses for waking up the baby with their relentless pounding on our door. It's true.

Nah, I'm just kidding.
I've thought about it way more than once.

Anyway, if you missed the preview, Neighbors is about a young couple living in what was an idyllic neighborhood, that is until a frat moves in next door. Initially, things are cool as our couple Seth Rogen and the lovely Rose Byrne make peace, appearing to be cool older people. They think that if these college kids see that they're cool, they'll totally listen when they say keep it down. And for a minute or two, this arrangement works. But then Rogen does what he says he would never do. He calls the cops.

I could (and just might) post everyday for the rest of time this week about my adoration of Rose Byrne here, but to be fair, everyone delivers. Somehow, in a silly movie about two grown ups battling a fraternity next door, we get not only a bunch of great characters, but we also get the perfect amount of backstory and motivation for each. What could have been a bunch of bullshit cliches, turns out to be something much more memorable, not to mention routinely hysterical.

Zac Effron's Teddy could have been your typical Dumb Jock, but he ends up being a little more nuanced than that. He's actually a pretty sweet guy. Dave Franco plays Teddy's right-hand man, Pete, and while the role screams Sidekick Guy, Franco and the writers create a dude we end up caring about. Hell, even the couple's best friend, the initially out-of-place Jimmy (a f--king awesome Ike Barinholtz), turns Awkward Friend into something special. And Rogen, well...Rogen kind of does the thing he always does, which I'm a fan of, but surrounded by everyone I just mentioned, it's seems like his potentially tired shtick is elevated. But let me be clear, the star of this movie is Byrne. She is hands down the best thing about this movie, in all facets. Even if her breasts look like your grandmother's legs.

Enjoying breasts of all types, are the Yays and Boos. Did we ever tell you about the first boobs we ever saw? Well, let's just say they weren't our grandmother's...but definitely someone else's. I was looking for the bathroom! Promise.

  • I'm taking you to BonerTown, love.
  • Man, that baby (well, those babies) were adorable.
  • Jimmy's reference to the joint file they had to complete for the THC corporation.  
  • It's only slightly overdone, but the scene where they get ready to take the baby to its first rave depicts what it's like when we leave our house every single time.
  • One of my favorite scenes? Keep it down.
  • The history-making things the frat did was pretty sweet. I didn't recognize the last guy (the Boot and Rally), but seeing The Lonely Island guys and the Workaholics back-to-back was f--king great.
  • Dude. Pete's erection skills are unmatched. And the ultimate weapon in a Bro Off, it seems.
  • I usually use something else as my barometer to judge how old I am/how young you are, but the Batman thing was awesome. When I think Batman, I think Keaton, too. 
  • Ah, bush removal. And the airbag search.
  • Dean. I thought that was her name.
  • God, do I always love a good dance off.
  • John Madden before...Jasmine from Aladdin.
  • Assjuice's comeback: Uh uh. I wasn't asleep.
  • Jimmy.
    • His impressions were insane. I think I almost peed myself with his Obama sign-off.
    • His leg. It still makes me laugh.
  • Maybe the cutest credits ever.
  • And finally, the aforementioned Rose Byrne. She is really funny in almost every scene, but there are a few classics.
    • What she does with the fireworks? Oh shit!
    • The condom. I actually cried during that one.
    • Equal parts incredibly sexy and badass, when she gets Pete to put hos before bros, I knew it was love. When she turns and walks away from them knowing it's mission accomplished? I think a little part of me died. And went to heaven.
    • But, what you'll likely be talking about the next day, the milking scene. THEY'RE HULKING OUT!
  • The only real weak link, is Jimmy's ex-wife, played Carla Gallo. She's actually okay, too, just not to the level of everyone else.
  • Dude. McLovin's dick? That f--ker scared me. It looked like one the monsters from Tremors.
  • Oh, and poor Garf. You gotta read your e-mails more carefully, dude.
  • Was that cop guy the worst actor ever? We should have had Hader!
  • Assjuice. This guy is a real shitbag. No way I'd sell out the promise of infinite bjs for a grand.
  • Wait a sec. We get to see Byrne's fake tits, but Rogen's real ones? 
  • And finally, Zac Effron. Damn, dude. You might be the prettiest man I have ever seen in my life.
If you get the chance, this is the movie I would most recommend seeing this summer, at least more than anything else I've seen so far. I'd actually pay to go see it again, but I got a baby to watch. Diapers to change. Oh, and pump parts to clean. You gotta have clean parts.

Wouldn't want to have to milk anyone, you know?


  1. I need this movie in my life!

    LOL, I'm totally with you on kids needing sleep. We don't leave our house past 8 o'clock because I need them to go to bed on time EVERY NIGHT! We used to live behind a school, and I seriously wanted to gut every single person at every single football game every single Friday night.

    Well, except the cheerleaders ;-)

    1. You do, man., We all do.

      Holy shit, you guys have a regular bedtime. We give that shit a shot, but sometimes these little kids are up past ten. It's crazy!

      Yeah, I live kind of close to a school...but the only thing I get out of it, is junk food wrappers on my front lawn. Damn you kids! *shakes fists*

    2. LOL, and suddenly we've turned into Clint Eastwood ("get off my lawn"). If that means I can wave a shot gun at the obnoxious teenagers down the street, so be it. We live across from a church now, and that makes holidays un-freaking-bearable. Last Halloween they had like twelve bounce houses in their parking lot. It was a nightmare. You could drive down the street from 6-11 and the noise they made, you'd like it was a fair.

      And yes, we have a regular bedtime. I work from home. I'm with those creatures ALL DAY LONG! I need about two/three hours where I can't see or hear them.

    3. couldn't* drive down the street (but I'm sure you knew that was what I meant)

    4. Ha, I got you, man. No worries.

      Anyway, it does suck going from being one of the kids to solely existing to yell at them for being f--king idiots all the time.

      Working from home? Do you get shit done? And I'm with you, fully. My wife gets home at 7:30. I'm with my two all day, every day. It's a blessing, I know. But sometimes, I think I'm going to lose my mind. Like, for real.

  2. This looks like something I need to go see. I lived down the road from a frat house in college, and was taking care of my (then) girlfriend's 1-1/2 year old one night when some drunk college kid started banging on doors at 3am. I had just got her to sleep before it happened. Ten years later, she's the "annoying neighbor" on the weekends. My wife and my bedroom is right next to hers, and on the weekends when she likes to stay up and watch movies or play video games so we have to constantly remind her to keep the volume down

    Enjoy your kids while they're young, m.brown to say the least they'll be a real handful in a few years ;-)

    1. Mike, this movie seems like it was made for you. Seriously.

      This neighbor sounds like fun. And by fun, clearly I mean terrible.

      I know, man. It sucks. Sometimes, all I want is them to be older. Then I imagine them older and I get all sad because there not going to be my little, rad kids anymore. It's ridiculous.

  3. I loved this one, I definitely related to the parenting stuff. I had to laugh at the cell phone baby monitor because we had to use one for the longest time because we lived near a radio tower and our actual monitor kept picking up static. It was so annoying.

    Does Abercrombie really hire hot shirtless dudes to stand outside their stores? Why have I never seen this?

    1. Shit, really? You had to do the cell phone thing? I wish we had that. My wife has a video monitor that she used to fall asleep, while holding. Against her face.

      I've never seen the shirtless guy before, but likely because as a [former] teacher, I used to stay the Hell away from the mall as much as possible. I mean, you haven't lived till you've been publicly blown off by a twelve year old.

  4. I knew you'll like this one! Oh man, the best friend dude was hysterical. I never saw this guy in anything else but he was so funny, I nearly pissed myself when he screamed 'RAPE!' and that's a horrible thing to even chuckle about let alone almost fell off the chair :)

    1. Yeah, this sucker was pretty much tailor-made for me.

      He really was the best. That rape comment was hysterically awkward, for sure. I think my wife and I laughed, but everyone else was basically stone faced. Oh well.

      I can only imagine you laughing beyond an appropriate length.

      That's how I was with Byrne's 'container store' comment. Hell, I still find that funny....

  5. McLovin's dick sounds scary. I hope it's a monster like Godzilla -- shows up late and goes away quick. Anyway, this film sounds hilarious and great and I probably won't see it before it's out on DVD because fuck my life. Well glad you liked it, anyway, and glad I get to piss my pants out of laughter again!

    1. That's a pretty good analogy there, comparing it to Godzilla. But...unlike Godzilla, I haven't forgotten every single thing aobut McLovin's man-parts. It haunts my dreams.

      Oh, c'mon, you've got time to see it. Oh, wait.

      You'll probably be watching Divergent again, huh? Oh, you crazy kids.

  6. Rose Byrne really did steal the movie for me too! She was so funny and I loved her character. Even without kids, I was relating to their feelings about getting old. I related way too much to their little discussion in bed at the end, like getting excited about the smell of ground coffee.

    The "cop guy"? That's Hannibal Burress and he's actually really funny. His style is very deadpan.

    1. I would've replied sooner but I'm working on the sketch for my Rose Byrne tattoo. I'm not sure where I'm gonna put it. Well, not sure which side of my face, anyway.

      You are too young to be relating to that conversation, but trust me, that stuff was all too real for an old f--k like me. If I remember right, you were in middle school when I was in college. So...yeah. Just wait.

      I don't know this Hannibal dude, but I'm goring to take your word for it. He just seemed like he was bored, but if that's his deal, then I'm all for it.