Am I fast, or is Sweden just a very small place?

As a kid, I had a thing for Sharon Stone. She was the most beautiful woman in the world. I had managed to see Basic Instinct somehow, and I remember someone pausing the money-shot so we could all see the glory, but that wasn't what cemented it for me (I was twelve, early-nineties twelve at that). The following summer, when I was visiting relatives in Charlestown, Mass., I weaseled my way into a matinee showing of Sliver. One bathtub scene later and I was officially in love. Remember kids, we didn't always have the internet. We had to earn our nudity.

Best Gene Hackman movie? Royal Tenenbaums.

That pointless anecdote actually is heading somewhere. Honest. Last night I finished 1995's The Quick and the Dead, starring none other than Ms. Stone. I had hoped to finish it, then catch the end of the Phillies game/season (damn NL ball moves so quickly! A Sox game would have been in the 5th). Anyway, much like the 2011 Phillies, this movie has an excellent roster and a capable manager. And despite giving us some great moments along the way, both ended up being bitter disappointments. You still with me? Me neither.

There are two reasons why I popped this one in. The first, is the letter Q. Ever since I added an index, I wanted to have at least one review per letter. So, yeah - the alphabet. More importantly though, was the cast: Sharon Stone, Gene Hackman, Leonardo DiCaprio and Russell Crowe. Not only those four, but Jigsaw (Tobin Bell), Bishop (Lance Henriksen - who literally looks like the Guy Fawkes mask from V for Vendetta), and Lt. Dan (Gary Sinise) all show up, too. And to top it off, Sam Raimi directs. Guaranteed home run, right? No. More like getting beaned in the junk with nobody on in the 9th, down by a dozen.

Leo's actually the best part of this.

I like westerns. I think. Okay, maybe just Tombstone (and the remake of 3:10 to Yuma), but still. This movie is simply too ridiculous for it's own good. For example:

• Sharon Stone. She is either looking and sounding tough, or moments away from bursting into tears and peeing herself.
• The sound of creaking leather! C'mon. When you can hear someone looking around things have gone too far.
• The whip-snap sound? Thought it was impossible to hate that. Wrong again, Brown.
• Zooming. Way too much. I get it. It's tense.

By the end, however, I had come around a little bit. The premise is kind of cool (quick-draw tournament), the totally unnecessary boob-shot was appreciated, the wicked flashback at the end kicked ass. Oh, and the explosions were incredible. But, too little, too late. It needed to be straight comedy, or straight action. It died in the middle. As did my love for Sharon Stone. Now that DiCaprio fella? Well...