Twenty years ago, my older brother Bryan took me to see the first Independence Day movie. I distinctly remember three things about that day:
- I felt like a dickhead for not liking it. Everybody in the theater seemed to me magically sharing a collective boner for the movie that I simply didn't have. As I was sixteen years old at the time, my boner was unrelated. Basically, I thought the whole movie was pretty f--king stupid.
- My brother Bryan, depending on whom you ask, is a dickhead, in the fact that he is willing to embarrass himself or his younger brother at any given moment. He loved the movie and thought that it was pretty f--king awesome. He likes spectacles, aliens, and large explosions. And 3D. Like I said, a dickhead.
- The kid in front of us, also an idiot, decided it would be fun to lean back-and-forth in his chair super fast to the delight of his equally douchey-friends. That kid learned quickly this was a bad call, as my brother unleashed a two-footed/squat style blast to the back of the kids chair, totally spilling him out of it. The ensuing awkward silence was my favorite part of the film. But that's what you get for being a dickhead.
Last Thursday, or as we cool kids refer to it, opening night, I took my brother to see Independence Day: Resurgence. In 3D.
Bryan hadn't been down to my house in over three years and it just so happened the f--king stars aligned and we got a chance to go to place we hadn't been in two decades: a United States run by Bill Pullman. While my brother was genuinely looking forward to seeing the sequel, I can honestly tell you, I assumed it would suck a bag full of dicks. And it did. Like, a giant bag. Full of giant dicks.
Apparently in the two decades since the last invasion, the aliens have been getting ready for a rematch. Cool. Hopefully their new plans aren't foiled by a drunken asshole in the world's worst airplane, cause that would be a real bummer.
Back on Earth, we've all been sharing Cokes and a smile. It seems that destroying an entire race of tentacled aliens was exactly what we needed to put aside an entire civilization's worth of petty differences. And it doesn't hurt that they left behind some cool tech, too. See, if there's anything I've learned about humanity from these films, it's that a group of assholes trying to take over a peaceful people by force is un-f--king acceptable. Especially in America.