Now, don't get me wrong. There have been some kickass action flicks in the last couple of years, but nothing has come close to the way things used to be. If you're a teenager now, and not into old-school action flicks, who's your biggest star? The Rock? Badass, but too many family films, thereby squandering his prime years. Vin Diesel? Had a chance, but it didn't work out. Who else is there? Shit, is it Matt Damon? Johnny Depp? Christian Bale? No, probably not any of those three. It's likely Jason Statham, who is genuinely a charismatic screen presence, but I'm not sure he's been in anything with enough mass popularity.
My point? The best Action Heroes, were from my youth. They always have been, and likely, always will be.
The Expendables 2 is yet another reminder of, depending on your tastes, the good ol' days. Now, the movie itself isn't great, but you can't deny the magic of seeing all these iconic ass kickers together on screen. Cheesy one liners, droves of guys running into bullet spray and an overwhelming on-screen awareness of each guy's historical significance make for a good time at the movies.
Rambo-esque violence that wasn't to be found. This time though, I was just as happy with the downtime as I was when they were blowing shit up. Maybe my expectations were lowered due to the first one, or maybe the second one was simply better - I'm not sure. I think more Arnold had something to do with it. And f--king Chuck Norris, too.
Jeez, I'm almost at Chuck's junk and I haven't even really touched on the movie. Well, I guess there's not a better place to start, huh? The plot, as I recall, centers on the acquisition of some important device that is among the wreckage of a downed airplane. Bruce Willis' character, Church, calls in a debt to Sly and crew, that they must bring some lady to the site to free this damn thing. Shockingly, things don't go smoothly, and the ultra-scary looking bad guy shows up, with his douchey sidekick and group of friends who will all eventually die via the bullet. The story is serviceable, but let's be straight with each other. Who the f--k cares?
This is spiraling out of control. I'm going to round up those ol' gun-slinging bastards, they Yays and Boos. Although, they were pretty pissed about no Segal.
|Best excuse to film on an obvious set ever.|
- Dolph yells Eat Shit! three minutes in. Yeah, people still say that. Well, Dolph does.
- Jet Li has two excellent moments. Frying pan attack and his minority line. Zang!
- If I ever need to take down a CGI helicopter? I'm going with the oldest trick in the book, ghost ride a motorcycle into it.
- I'm sorry, but jump-kicking a knife into the heart couldn't have been in the script. That's pure Van-Damage.
- Dolph throws a chicken. Is there anything he can't do?
- J. Statham: I'm gonna shoot you in the face when I see you. M. Brown: Don't play with my heart.
- It might be terrible in retrospect, but I really liked the last meal conversation. Oh, Dolph.
- The airport shootout was pretty nuts. As was X-ray death. And of course, the propeller.
- The sound-effects that accompany Norris everywhere he goes? Where can I get that?
- Did all 80's action flicks climax with a battle in a room full of chains? I mean, f--king chains! I imagined Stallone looking around and demanding We need more chains, guys. This is the f--king finale, people.
- And finally, this line: We all do. This, friends, is truth.
|Sometimes, I have no idea what he's saying. And I love it.|
- What the f--k was with Hemsworth's dog story? I love my dog, but this was ridiculous.
- The safe opening scene was absurd. Oh shit! This door is spring loaded. And by that, I mean it will shut with enough force to sever a human body in half instantly. So, yeah, lean halfway in.
- Does plutonium come in any other form other than weapon's grade?
- Was the pedicure line sexist or racist? Or both? Oh, what a dilemma!
- Three terrible lines: 1. Take off, Rover. 2. His name was Billy! (spit) and 3. You know how to carve a turkey? Wait, those aren't terrible. Those f--king rule.