Tuesday, January 8, 2013

I gotta make my wife fall in love with me. Again.

Now more than ever, I would take a bullet for my wife. Literally, I would. For this blog, she takes them for me, figuratively of course, all the time. She watches my son as I haul ass to countless late night showings of Uh, can I get one ticket to... all the time. Never does she ask what I'm watching or what the Hell is all this crap on the DVR? Though, I think Nude for Satan [review] raised an eyebrow or two. So when Mrs. Two Dollar Cinema says I want to watch a movie I try to oblige. And when she makes coffee for said movie? Well, then I know. It's business time.

Cue The Vow, starring the nightmarishly cute duo of Channing Tatum and Rachel McAdams. Seemingly ejected from the Skynet-created ROMCOM 9000, Magic Mike and Regina George team up to make one of the most groan-inducing feel-good dramas I have ever seen. Please don't misconstrue any part of that as praise, as I hated almost every minute of this turd. But my ladyfriend? She wept. Not a single tear down the cheek (that I could stop with a single finger as I gazed into her eyes), but I'm talking an inconsolable deluge of tears. To be fair, I cried too. Though my tears were pure rage.

So, what had us both leaking from the face? Deep breath. McAdams plays a woman who, after a pretty awesome car accident, loses all memory of her current husband, played by Tatum. Guess what he vows to do? No, you know what? Don't guess. In fact, just smash your face into your phone or monitor and hope that you can forget this movie exists. And, as I hold your perfect face in both of my masculine hands, I promise you. I will never remind you. Every day, I won't. For the rest of your life.
Okay, even I can realize when the dickery is getting to be a bit overwhelming. This is a harmless chick flick, that probably satisfied 99% of the people who wanted to see it this past Valentine's Day. Hell, it made over 125 million at the domestic box office, good for 352nd all time. It's only thiry-five grand behind Rocky III! Now, if Clubber Lang had been the reason for her amnesia, then we'd be on to something...

Obscure reference quota attained, let's dim the lights and split a baguette with the Yays and Boos. They've been standing in the rain for hours and aren't going anywhere. Well, until you love them.

Not sure what I hate more. The hat or everything else.
  • The accident scene is oddly inspired. I mean, I'm pretty sure it's not hard to imply that she went through the windshield. Guess we'll never know.
  • Singing. I'm sorry. I've always loved any scene where someone sings their heart out behind the wheel. This, I can relate to.
  • I will forever love Sam Neil, even if he's playing Rich Prick instead of Dr. Alan Grant. If only a raptor attack had caused the amnesia, now we'd be on to something.
  • Outro music! You can never go wrong with The Cure.
  • The little postscript at the end. It features the real couple the story was based on. I may have a shriveled Grinch-like heart, but that's a cool story, even if it is eventually bastardized by this.
  • And finally, maybe I was just, um, lucky, but I'd like to personally thank Channing Tatum, even with his bad haircut. I owe you, bro. (eeew, gross!)
I think sitting on a table is grounds for justifiable homicide.
  • Rom Com BS. I hate how everybody always has cool jobs and quirky friends. Though, perhaps I'm just jealous I have neither.
  • Awful grand gestures. This might be some kind of record. Tatum blows ass in the car, and McAdams rolls up the window. Aww. And by Aww, I mean f--k off to anyone who likes this movie. (and I'm sorry, but this is the first thing I'm asking the real couple if I run into them, so, you like farts, huh?)
  • Turns out, one of the side effects of amnesia is you become a total bitch who loses all qualities of a human being. Or, maybe, just maybe, McAdams is simply horrible in this movie.
  • Here's a good plan. You know my wife that just suffered a major head trauma and forgot everything, including me? I know what will make her feel better. A surprise party! You know, with dozens of people that she doesn't f--king know. Seems solid, this logic.
  • Recording Studio Drama. Seriously, who the f--k cares? I don't even think Tatum did.
  • Scott Speedman. I think I used to like you. I don't now.
  • You know, as tragic as it is that she forgot everything about her current life, it's pretty sweet that everyone from her past is exactly where she left them five years ago. I think they were playing an epic game of freeze tag or something.
  • Her last memory, and I'm not bullshitting you, is at MACARONI GRILL. I want to punch whoever thought that product placement was a good idea right in the Italian Nachos.
  • And finally, the Radiohead story. I can't be----. Wait. Shhhh. Did you hear that? I think Thom Yorke just shot himself.
If my wife woke up in the hospital and had no idea who I was, I'd be screwed. I barely landed her the first time.  



  1. Good review M. Didn't hate this as much as I usually do with movies like these, but yet, it's still obvious, it's still sappy, and it still ticked me off at times. The only difference this time around was that I actually liked the couple and wanted them to be together in the end.

    1. I think my wife was with you Dan, but I hated both of them from jump street.

      Maybe I was just in a bad mood. My tolerance for ridiculously stupid bullshit is usually a lot higher.

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  2. Reading this review totally got my day off to a great start! Never seen The Vow, but I think it'll be on my maternity leave movie list. Just one question: don't I count as a quirky friend?

  3. Hopefully you don't end sobbing funeral-style. Again.

    And sure, you qualify as quirky. But movie level quirk? Thankfully, that's hard to come by.

  4. "If my wife woke up in the hospital and had no idea who I was, I'd be screwed. I barely landed her the first time" ... but now you have that "you look very fertile line" to work with. How could you miss? Sorry, I couldn't resist. ;-)

    Kudos to you for watching a chick flick with your wife. I have no doubt you'd take a bullet for the love of your life and mother of your child. :-)

    ... though from the sound of this review, I think you might have preferred the bullet.

    1. That's a good point. I forgot about that winning opener. Though, in my case, to tell a pregnant lady that she looks fertile probably wouldn't have the desired impact.

      I was trying to work in your final point into the review, initially. Either a preference for an actual bullet, or a now we're even closing remark, but I spiraled into a blathering rage.

    2. Spiraling into a blathering rage is very distracting.

      I didn't know your wife is pregnant. Congratulations to both of you. This is kiddo #2?

    3. Thanks.

      Yep. We will no longer outnumber them.


    4. That's awesome -- I'm excited for you and your family. My husband and I are outnumbered both by kids and dogs, as we have three of each. How stupid are we?

  5. That was hilarious :) I never saw the movie, but it's a shame about McAdams, she is talented - she should be in better films.

    I know few couples where the girl forces the guy to watch chick flicks and the guy usually retaliates by making her watch the entire extended LOTR trilogy. I'm kinda worried I may be a guy even if I have lady parts, because honestly the latter sounds more fun.

    The only chick flicks I enjoy are usually dramas with at least a feeble happy ending like "The Notebook". Rom coms used to be great in 90's, now they all suck. I think the last two I enjoyed were "The Devil Wears Prada" and "Crazy stupid love".

    1. Ah, lady parts. So great.

      Yeah, there's not much of a fair trade off by any means. I enjoy showing her movies she'll likely hate, but she gets back at me with her patented finishing move: falling asleep.

      You NAILED it! Either rom-coms were better in the 90's or my tolerance was (or both?). And your last two were both standouts in the genre, undoubtedly.

    2. I must actually be a guy too, despite the lady parts and the now-famous glow of feminine fertility. Because I would WAY rather have a LOTR marathon than watch a "chick flick."

      I'm afraid if I made my husband watch a chick flick he'd retaliate by making me watch every single sequel to Die Hard. Cops are hard-core dudes, you know.

    3. You say Die Hard marathon like it's a bad thing!

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  15. I think this is the funniest review I've read from you. And you're hilarious. HOW.

    "Guess what he vows to do? No, you know what? Don't guess. In fact, just smash your face into your phone or monitor and hope that you can forget this movie exists. And, as I hold your perfect face in both of my masculine hands, I promise you. I will never remind you. Every day, I won't. For the rest of your life." (I just had to copy thes, because after reading that part I had to leave the living room and go laugh in the toilet not to disturb others... they were really confused when I returned, though.)

    1. Haha, thanks. This is one of those perfectly awful movies where it was kind of fun to hate it. Okay, fine, it was a lot of fun to hate the shit out of it.

      I wish more people around me went to the toilet to crack up. Usually they just scream DAD! I POOPED. Which, knowing what that means for me, never makes me laugh.

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