Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Organized nerd singing?

Might as well just say it. I was in glee club.

I know, I come off so incredibly badass it's shocking, but it's unfortunately true, too. See, when I was in middle school, it was required of all the seventh and eighth graders to participate. I don't know if I could sing or not, but I do know they divided the room by gender and made me and one other dork sit on the girls' side. As lame as the whole endeavor was, I do recall we could rock the shit out of a Christmas carol or two. And growing up in Hawai'i, nothing says Christmas like a bunch of haole (read: white) kids singing Mele Kalikimaka on a winter night where the temperature dips just below seventy two.

Fourth from the left. What a wonderful set of personalities on her.
In episode 2 of Making My Wife Happy, I decided to fire up last year's Pitch Perfect. I won't bullshit you at all, I wanted to see it too, but only because I can find nothing wrong with staring at Anna Kendrick for 100 minutes. Also, maybe something in my checkered past makes me a fan of a bunch of hot chicks singing pop songs. Whatever. If my wife and I can spend some time together watching something that doesn't make the other secretly wonder how much a divorce really costs? then it's pretty much a victory all around.

If you don't know how the story of a ragtag group of misfits against the world ends, then let me be the first to congratulate you on actually being able to turn on a phone or computer. The plot is incredibly predictable, if not altogether inconsequential. But you don't Redbox a movie starring Fat Amy hoping to see a masterpiece. You Redbox something like this, because at a dollar fifty, it's a pretty safe bet you'll get your money's worth. And did I mention it has Anna Kendrick? 

When I first saw the preview, I was thinking it was a total Glee ripoff, and despite a thinly-veiled attempt to literally tell you otherwise, it basically is. Attractive adults (playing attractive kids), singing medley's of songs (you may or not be able to tolerate) competitively is about the extent of it. Add incredibly self-aware dialogue and a vibe that says we're not taking this shit seriously, neither should you and sure enough, you have an average episode of Glee Pitch Perfect. I'd say use your love of the television show as your personal barometer, but I'm not sure anybody still watches it. Well, outside of my ladyfriend, anyway.

Look, as far as people randomly bursting into song, it doesn't ever get better than Maverick and Goose, no matter how you slice it. Though I respect the Yays and Boos going to bat for Frank Cushman belting out I Think I Love You in Scream 2. Even if they're totally wrong.

Anna, without saying a word, would you actually recommend this movie?
  • Though they may wear out their welcome by the end, the announcers rule. Nothing makes a woman feel more like a girl than a man who sounds like a boy.
  • My favorite secondary character? Tie. Slutty Girl or Anna Kendrick's cleavage. Hmm. Tough call.
  • McLovin. Even though he's only here for a minute, and basically sucks anyway, this dude always gets a Yay. Has to.
  • The audition medley was pretty cool. The jiggle factor, which can never be underestimated, was exceedingly high.
  • Even though it was just one girl, one cup, Kendrick's audition was legit.
  • Increasing my vocabulary. Not sure when I'll be able to use it, but thanks for adding toner to my personal lexicon.
  • Okay, I thought the most ridiculously awesome pool scene ever was in Showgirls, but the riff-off is pretty insane, too. Wait. Sorry. I just re-watched it. Showgirls still wins. By infinity.
  • And finally, I will give it up for Fat Amy. Sure, she might as well be hand-drawn into this Roger Rabbit style, but she made me laugh, even when I didn't want to.
  • For a movie that takes place at a college, you'd think the inside of a classroom might make an appearance. Nope. Not even in a cutesy montage.
  • And, and!, not only do these bitches never have to go to class, but they have the nicest dorm rooms ever. They were like that part of IKEA that shows you what your room could look like, if you were the unlikely mix of incredibly wealthy and handy with a hex wrench.
  • Um, anything that wasn't singing or dancing was basically horrible. This includes: her Dad, their deal, and her relationships with others. And all the 'a ca' nonsense, while we're at it.
  • Two girls in a shower? That's a Yay. But two girls in a shower that only discuss how naked they are? Oh, that's a Boo.
  • Anything having to do with vomit. And snow angels.
  • I used to think that Blackstreet's No Diggity was a winner every time, this flick included. Then I watched the Super Bowl and have since changed my mind. Seriously, what the f--k was that?
  • I worked at a college radio station. Our station manager didn't look like that guy. Oh, and he wasn't an Australian d-bag.
  • Fine. I'm really a nine-year old girl. But screw you if I don't sometimes, just barely, sort of mildly enjoy Miley Cyrus' Party in the U.S.A. F--k it. I love that song. And dudes, apparently.
  • Okay, really, really, I hated her boyfriend. They barely sold me as friends, let alone forbidden lovers. His roommate, too.
  • And finally, what the shit was up with the ending? My wife and I were thoroughly convinced we were going to get another sweet round of auditions. Instead, we got two things. Jack and shit. Booooo!
As Valentine's Day approaches, I'm likely to watch some more um, lighter fare with the wife, once she gets back from her business trip in Atlanta, of course. In lieu of actually buying her something (remember, baby number two is on the way), it's the least I could do, right?

I mean, what do you want me do, sing to her?


  1. Great review, M! This doesn't really sound like my cup of tea. But if I change my mind and decide to persuade my husband to watch it, I know what buzzwords to use: "cleavage," "jiggle," and "two girls in a shower."

    1. And while it's never nice to mislead a man in any way, suggesting anything you mentioned is could be considered cruel and unusual punishment.

      Don't rope him into this one. This flick is probably ideal for uncool twelve year old girls, and dirty old men. Or a someone who is a mix of both.

      Not that I know anyone like that.

  2. It's funny at times, but not downright hilarious like I wished. Oh well, that's what Rebel Wilson is there for. Good review M.

    1. Way to go, Dan. You boiled the whole movie down perfectly into twenty words.

      I think I wasted about 900 more than that.


  3. "If my wife and I can spend some time together watching something that doesn't make the other secretly wonder how much a divorce really costs? then it's pretty much a victory all around." Oh God :P

    Oh the puke angels were a huge boo. It was disgusting. I laughed when she puked in the beginning because it was the most ridiculous thing ever - my God it was like she ate 4 buckets of chicken.

    The boyfriend sucked, I agree. Fat Amy was awesome, Rebel Wilson is almost always incredibly funny (minus awkward parts of Bridesmaids).

    1. Due to her undiagnosed narcolepsy, I usually end up deciding what we watch. Sometimes I wonder how she handles some of the shit I watch. Sometimes, I don't.

      Seriously, outside of Edward Furlong puking in Detroit Rock City, that was the most vomit I've ever seen come out of such a small person. Though, a younger version of my son might take the gold.

      YES! Wilson was very funny in this, but I basically hated her in Bridesmaids.