Maniacs are afraid of maniacs.

I have a daughter. I love her very much.

And if someone were ever to wrong her, well, I'm not sure what I'm going to be able to do about it. I mean, I don't have a very particular set of skills. I'm all for revenge, sure, and would surely want blood, but I don't even own a gun. I don't have a lot of knives, and only have two functioning hammers. Shit, I don't have any duct tape, let alone a basement to house the perpetrator in, duct taped or otherwise. But I'm not completely hopeless. There's one thing I actually do have.

I do have a dad.

I'm pretty sure Tarantino saw this on the January 1st.

Big Bad Wolves is one of those movies that somehow everyone has seen despite it not really starring anyone overly famous. I had initially heard about the film last year on Twitter, but avoided any further spoilers in the months that followed (all told, that wasn't so hard to do). While I had all intentions of eventually seeing it, it took a random text from an old friend to finally give me that final kick in the ass. His description?

'F'd up drama suspense and intense'

Sold.

What Dunphy boiled down to a few words, I'm going to belabor into many more. Primarily set over the course of just a few days, 2013's Big Bad Wolves is a deceptively simple revenge flick. After the brutal kidnapping and death of his daughter, a man kidnaps not only the suspected killer, but also the police officer who inadvertently botched his arrest. This guy is no nonsense, and with so little left to live for he is willing to just about anything for whatever justice he can muster. Actually, it's not even justice that he ultimately wants. It's something a lot more personal that that.

While I've enjoyed watching piece of shit bad guys get it, I was never quite at ease watching the torture-fest that is Big Bad Wolves. Oh, believe you me, there was a point where I was damn near giddy at the proceedings (more on that later), but for the most part, I didn't have enough information to really lap up the nastier bits of this Israeli thriller. In fact, that's my main gripe with this flick. It's intense as shit, sure, and the performances are uniformly excellent (especially from the ones inflicting the pain), but the bad guy never really comes off that bad. Maybe that's the point, but for my money I want to really f--king hate the guy if I'm going to watch him get destroyed for an hour and a half, not potentially feel bad for him. That's no fun.

Also not fun, are the Yays and Boos. They're pretty sure this is only Israeli film we've ever seen, but I'm thinking that You Don't Mess with the Zohan counts, right? That shit was pretty much a documentary, I mean. It certainly wasn't a comedy...

Yaaaaaaaaaay!

• That slo-motion game of hide-n-seek  was beautiful. And creepy.
• The two 'dirty guys' were awesome. The only problem with them? I wanted more.
• The yellow-card conversation. That's the kind of parenting I'd like to get down with.
• Though it would help if I was a giant Israeli man. Holy shit, that was a big man (the Boss Guy). I loved how he basically fired Cop Guy, then told him to go solve the case.
• If I ever acquire a gun, and I'm totally okay with killing the person in front of me, I'm going to do what they did here. Ask a question, fire my pistol. Add a bullet. Ask a question, fire my pistol. Add a bullet. Ask a question...you get the idea.
• Was that Buddy Holly? Excellent choice either way. Definitely music to bake to.
• I also enjoyed how when the interrogation scene first started, he gave the his prisoner two choices. Both ended with death. Seems fair.
• Speaking of, the whole interrogation scene, essentially the bulk of the movie, is really, really intense. While some of the violence made me squirm...
• ...shit got cranked to 11 when Grampa shows up. Unbelievable. Fire, you say?
• And finally, while some people are going to say that this is a comedy, or at least has comedic elements, my vote is that's a bit of a stretch. But there was one moment that totally cracked me up. About three-quarters through the torture, the Cop Guy comes up with a plan to buy them both some time. He tells the bad guy (with ten broken fingers and no toenails, at this point), without a hint of sarcasm, to finally give up the crucial information. But, you know, take some pain first. 

Never has the world needed Stanley Yelnats more than this moment.

Boooooooo!

• Sorry, I have no idea who's who, but Bad Guy? Well, I have a few problems with this dude. First, he's a teacher. Not cool.
• Second? He never really breaks. Ever. I mean, buddy, you're shit is totally f--ked. Just spill it, Israeli George Costanza. Get it over with.
• And on the off chance this guy ever did get away, take a little advice from my man Rust Cohle: If you get the opportunity, you should kill yourself.
• Even though it's done in probably the classiest way possible, the scene when they find the girl is just awful. I honestly can't shake that image. Both of them...if you know what I mean.
• Like I said, the torture gets pretty messy. At one point, I think I actually looked away. Thank God Netflix didn't send out accompanying scratch-n-sniff cards when you fire this one up. I still like BBQ.
• But as much as I was physically upset by what I was seeing, well, ol' Bad Guy plays it cool. Like, impossibly cool. He's either the worst actor or toughest sonuva bitch on this planet. Either way? It's a Boo.
• The end. For a flick that really didn't give us any hard evidence the entire f--king time, to drop that final frame on us seemed like a bit of a raw deal. 
• And finally, the hype. It's a good film, sure. But head into this one with Best Film of the Year level expectations, and you're bound to be disappointed. Figuratively bound, anyway.

Well, that will do it for 2014 at Two Dollar Cinema. Hopefully next year will be even better. And by that, obviously I mean remotely passable. 

And you ladies that actually go out and celebrate balls dropping and such? Take special care of yourselves tonight. Unless Liam Neeson is your dad. 

Or your grandfather.