Tuesday, December 15, 2015

I enjoyed the silence too much.

This is my 500th post.

I have reviewed every single movie I have completed in the last five years in the exact order I've watched them. I've taken journals and journals full of notes on both really good and really (really) shitty movies. I've watched films in every room of my house (except the shitter, oddly enough), my car, at work, damn near everywhere I could possibly fit one in. I even watched one at McDonald's. In a WalMart. 

As I often struggle to come up with an opening bit, each post probably takes me about an hour or two (should I admit that?) to complete, so if you do the math, well...that's a shitload of hours.  

My point? It's totally fitting that the movie I happened into for my 500th post, just so happened to be about divorce. Because I'm sure on more than one occasion, not only the contents of this blog, but the sheer amount of time I put into it, have certainly rubbed Mrs. Two Dollar Cinema the wrong way. In fact, I probably could have used all those hours to do something um, a little more productive.

But that's a lot of videogames, you know?

Shocking no one, my wife fell asleep seconds in to the utterly charming People Places Things. And I'll be honest, I thought about shutting it off right as the Yeti-like snoring began. Partly so we could watch it together, partly so I could actually hear it, but mainly because I really wanted to play Star Wars Battlefront (oh, you hadn't heard - I'm twelve). Luckily for me, the force is strong with Jemaine Clement, and I spent the next 85 minutes not on digital Hoth, but in cinematic heaven.

Will Henry (Clement) is a good dude. Maybe a little passive, maybe not truly engaged, but he's a nice guy and a good dad. We meet Will during the 5th birthday of his adorable twin daughters, and unfortunately, there's a problem. A big one. Not in their picturesque backyard, not with their countless hipster friends, but upstairs in Will and his lady-friend Charlie's bedroom.  Charlie, on her daughters' birthday, is f--king Gary. And Gary ain't Will.

Snap your fingers and it's the girls' sixth birthday. While Will is still a good dude, the girls still adorable, everything else has totally fallen apart. Will is drifting through his life as an art teacher, barely aware of the students in front of him. After yet another uninspired lecture, an attractive student named Kat (the lovely Jessica Williams) approaches him, and suggest to her professor that he come to her house for dinner. Uhhhh....To meet my mom. Oh, your mom?

What the Hell? I'll meet your cute mom.

Perhaps a little too quirky for some of you out there, I devoured everything director James C. Strouse's film threw at me. It's at times predictable (especially Charlie...that rotten succubus), and maybe a tad overly-sentimental, but there's such a refreshing amount of honesty and kindness in this film that any minor transgressions/cliches are completely forgiven. And quite frankly, I saw a lot of myself in Will. Maybe too much.

This is Kat.
Don't f--k with Kat.
Clearly, I love my Twitter-best friend Clement more than another grown man probably should, but I found his work as Will to be just about the best thing ever. His dry delivery and willingness to let the (rotten/truthful) things people say just hang there left me smiling unblinkingly like a f--king moron. I had so much fun with this film, when it ended, I thought about watching it again immediately. Well, at least the first five minutes, anyway. But more on that later...

Look, unless you're firmly anti-Clement, or can't stand the ridiculous beauty of the previously-unmentioned Regina Hall (just...damn), I'm telling you this movie is worth 85 minutes of your holiday season. It's quietly hysterical, incredibly pretty to look at, and more importantly touches on a truth that I'm willing to bet many married couples can relate to. I'd be willing to bet my wife and I would have had an interesting conversation as the credits rolled, but she doesn't talk in her sleep.

Also incapable of staying up beyond ten o'clock, are the Yays and Boos. But, you can't blame them. We work in a middle school, so they're pretty f--king busy all day, you know? (especially the Boos)

  • Dude, those were some great tits. Oh, Charlie's, too.
  • I hope I never ever have to fight for time with my kids, but if I do? I'm taking some of Will's tricks. Sneaky.
  • Why does life suck so hard?
  • I'm a sassy little Hobbit.
  • Man, dinner with Kat's mom was pretty awesome. I like this lady, even if she was kind of a dick to our man Will. Who, oddly enough, was also kind of a dick. It was swordfish.
  • Camping has never looked like so much fun.
  • Improv class is priceless. Just...so f--king pretentious and stupid...I loved it.
  • There are some really cool comic-book interludes. So cool, in fact, I had to stand up and get closer to the TV (yeah, side note, I'm blind as f--k, and apparently a Hell of a guesser on my last eye exam).
  • Kat and Diane are nothing if not clutch.
  • Pizza = breakfast of champions.
  • You know what? Gary was actually a pretty cool dude. Even if his definition of face is debatable.
  • Loved the final shot. Go get her, Will.
  • And finally, last year I used to work this dude Mr.C, who taught 8th grade science across the hall. This guy was a little older than me, Haitian, and quite frankly, the right kind of crazy. I love this guy. Anyway, this past Monday morning, I just so happen to run into him in the copier room, after not really seeing him much this semester (oh, I was demoted to 6th grade due to my, um...awesomeness). So, Mr. C, rather enthusiastically, sees me, and his eyes bug out of his head. 'Mr. B! HAVE I GOT A MOVIE FOR YOU!' Of all the movies it could have been...of course it was this one. And of course, we immediately high-fived. Sincerely.
I'd be more comfortable if he was wearing a shirt. Perhaps a yellow one.
A long-sleeved, yellow one. Hmm...if only we had one of those.
  • That was probably the worst fight I've ever seen. And let me remind you, I teach middle school.
  • Look, number one rule of being Solo Dad: don't oversleep. In fact, get up early. Way early.
  • It was hysterical, but that was the longest pre-kiss scene in cinematic history.
  • Oh. My. God. There's a small scene where Will finds himself trapped between his can't sleep daughters that is f--king spot on as the kind of shit ol' Dad finds himself in. Not only is Will stuck, which blows, but outside of that room is a ready and willing sexy woman, whom given the chance, likely would too. But Will will never make it. If and when he gets out? She'll be asleep. I mean, that's what my friend told me....
  • And finally, I could probably type a dozen Boos just for Charlie, but I'll leave it at this: F--k. Her. I get where she's coming from, but still. That bitch is the worst.
In just a few more lines, post 500 will be complete. And guess what? I didn't miss a single minute with my kids or my wife. Not one.

Fine. They've all been asleep. Since 9 pm. 

All of them. Even the grownup.


...you wanna play Battlefront?


  1. I like Clement well enough, but I was on the fence about whether or not I want to see this. Then you said Regina King. I'm in.

    1. Okay, Dell...you did it too. The ENTIRE time this movie was rolling I was looking for Regina King. I love me some Mrs. Rod Tidwell. Anyway, after it's becoming clear that Regina King will NOT be in this movie, as it's Regina HALL that is featured. King's cool...but Hall? Whoa.

      (Like, even after Hall showed up, I was still thinking, 'I wonder how King's going to fit into this...'[what a moron])

    2. Hall, King. Why not both. A guy can dream, right?

  2. Congrats on 500 posts! This sounds like something I'd enjoy quite a bit. Off to Neflix...

    1. Thanks! Totally check this one out, Brit. I think you'll like it.

  3. My husband watched this movie with Sarah and liked it a lot.

    Congratulations on 500 posts. That's a lot of blogging awesomeness.

    1. I'm glad Sarah liked it. She seems like she has a bit of a...well...diverse palette. Hmm. I wonder if there was a scene with something totally f--ked up that I missed? Heh heh.

      That is a lot of blogging, huh? Not so much on the awesomeness...but still.

      (thanks, Steph)

  4. I almost rented this the other night!!!!!!

    Maybe I should have...although I did like Ant Man enough...I think.

    Also, happy 500th!!! That's HUGE and awesome. I wish I were on top of reviews as much as you. Your reviews are always the ones I look forward to reading the most...but don't tell anyone else.


    1. Ha. I'd probably take Ant-Man over this one, given the chance, but I really liked this one, too. Netflix, man. NET. FLIX.

      Ah, yes. 500. Damn, right?

      Haha. Trust me. Your secret's safe with me (no one reads this site...like, outside of the five of you...whom I all love equally...of course).

    2. Too late Andrew, I saw your secret. Now you are on my shitlist.


    3. Oh shit. You done f--ked up now, son.