Monday, February 1, 2016

It's like a museum of coolness in here!

Though my artistic abilities likely peaked soon after (not too mention my overall maturity level), as a kid I used to draw these epic pictures. Typically they were inspired by something I was already interested in, and usually featured robots, dinosaurs, or if I was feeling extra saucy - robot dinosaurs. Eventually, I'd ditch original creations, and instead, mash together dozens of video game characters and engage them all in bloody warfare.

There's Mario stabbing a Battletoad. Sonic being impaled by Link.  Toe Jam shooting Earl.
Friggin' Kirby being blown up by Mega Man. Let's cap it off with Earthworm Jim punting Q-Bert. Through a window.

It was some pretty hi-brow, low-brow stuff. These creations were culled from my childhood, treated with the utmost care...and then violently smashed together. My parents, not knowing any of these references, would muster an uninspired Wow...nice, before returning to their Scrabble letters and Coronas. But my friends? Kids like me? They'd have two different words for all that death and destruction.

Hell yeah.

Turbo Kid, now (thankfully) streaming on Netflix, is the moving pictures version of my lovingly-crude boyhood sketches. Crafted with impeccable care, this post-apocalyptic flick bludgeons the viewer with flawless homages to every badass flick from the mid 80s to early 90s.

If the recipe called for a mix of Mad Max and The Goonies, the chefs behind this one went ahead and dumped in generous portions of Rad, The Karate Kid, Big Trouble in Little China, and maybe even a sprinkle or two of The Wraith and a pinch of Over the Top. Shit, there's probably even more nods and references, but it's hard to keep count when you brain explodes out of your ass.

Set in futuristic 1997, Turbo Kid takes place after some cataclysmic event has crippled the world's water supply. Swinging the biggest dick in town is Zeus (Michael Ironside, doing what he does so well), a one-eyed man running the barren wasteland with the help of some masked goons (and a device that extracts water...FROM PEOPLE!). Unsurprisingly, these are guys you don't want to f--k with.

Unless you're a BMX-riding, comic-book obsessed teenager, with a hard on for Small Wonder. Cause that dude, along with a mysterious cowboy from Down Under, are all about f--king with Zeus and his crew. C'mon, you f--kers think that just 'cause a guy reads comics he can't start some shit?

This kid, Munro Chambers, is my new hero.
Not that the story doesn't work, but the reason you probably need to drop everything (um, especially if you're an a-hole in his mid-thirties) and f--king press play immediately, is simply to see your perverted boyhood imaginings play out with relentless fervor. Every single aspect of those silly/kickass movies we all loved as kids is cranked to eleven and jammed down your throat...with utter f--king respect. These guys are fans, hyper-talented fans, and with Turbo Kid they have created something so bloody ridiculous, you just have to experience it. I know I say it all the time (pathetically, I'm sure), but trust me, this movie so f--king rad.

Not very rad, are the skinned-knees and caught shoelaces of the Yays and Boos. When you're older, I'll tell you about what was probably the greatest BMX stunt ever attempted. And horribly failed. For me, this moment was a major Boo (and the last time that bike would ever function). But for an older brother I begged to watch, it may be his greatest Yay of all time.

  • I thought a limit existed on the number of scenes that could feature dudes on bicycles. I was wrong.
  • The soundtrack is so f--king cool. Welcome home, synthesizers. 
  • This is my gnomestick!
  • We could all learn a lesson from this film. There is no better way to chill out, than a fierce game of tag. Not that hyper-stressful TV Tag bullshit.
  • Canadian accents. Always give me something to smile aboot.
  • I've asked this probably a hundred times, but holy shit, is there anything better than a kickass gear up scene? And still, the answer is f--k no, motherf--ker. As it always will be.
  • I've gone on far too long not to mention the lovely love-interest/best-friend character, Apple. As played by Laurence Leboeuf, Apple is quite possibly the most enthusiastic film character of all time, and top-ten adorable goofballs. She's like a Canadian Jem, minus those slutty Misfits whores, always dragging her down.
  • The villain design is so f--king perfect it makes me smile just thinking about it. They're like perfectly-realized versions of any goofy little kid's drawings. He's, he's, he's wearing a football helmet. And has a saw for a hand. Uh huh, go on.
  • I think I saw the birth of the fistbump, as I don't recall this being a thing in my version of 1997.
  • The production design is inspiring. Like, they nailed all the little things. For example:
    • Upside down naked girl pens? (my brother had those)
    • A viewfinder being the key to awesomeness (we all had those)
    • Plasma Ball/Lamp (always wanted one of those)
    • Pegs! (again, file those under always wanted...dammit)
  • Oh, and the violence? Top f--king notch.
    • opposing dual-hammers? Yes, please.
    • Face to open blender...holy shit.
    • Spurting, squishing, spraying and any other -ing human blood can do.
    • All the battles: Pool, wow. Quarry, F--K.
    • Someone gets their jaw pulled off. Their f--king jaw.
    • The umbrella scene. I expect that, sadly, to be on a shirt at Hot Topic, it's so quietly iconic.
  • And finally, move over King and Duck, JTRO and BTRO. Frederic and Turbokid are the baddest pair of obscure motherf--kers ever. 
Even if he's creepy as f--k, and a real c--ksucker, I love this dude.
  • Killing a guy mid-stream? Not cool.
  • 10 gallons per person. I'm gonna need a few more Brita filters, huh?
  • Okay, stop f--king around with the kiss lean-ins. (that second one...yikes)
  • Sure, violence is cool, right? Of course it is! But that bit with the bike? F--k. Yeah, I get it, it took a long time to set up. But...I couldn't handle that. And I made it through The Revenant (more on that later).
  • Dude, duuuuuuude. That flashback was pretty f--king harsh, bra. 
  • And finally, where has this been all my life? I had to wait til I'm almost (kinda) forty for something this badass to come along. Where was this shit in college (where I could have watched it twice a day...for a semester). Damn.

If ever there was a movie to watch with a bunch of like-minded a-holes, it's Turbokid. It's over-the-top violence and ridiculous concept can't diminish just how f--king cool it is. I could probably stare at any given frame for hours, marveling at the ludicrous creativity that went into its creation.

Even if it doesn't have Luigi being swallowed whole by Ms. Pac Man.


  1. I almost watched this over the weekend, like, my hand was hovering over the play button. Then I opted for something else. I won't make that mistake this weekend. And love your references to White Men Can't Jump and The FP. They brought a smile to my face.

    1. I don't what's gotten into me, but I've basically been reliving the youth I didn't have with these cool-ass flicks that no one's seen (I'm still waiting for your Scouts Guide review....). Even if you don't end up liking it, I'm sure as shit that you'll appreciate it.

      Dude, you and me are probably 50% of the people that would get those references.

  2. It's really sad that I was like "Oh, I don't know this is for me." while I was reading it...then I got to the gore part and my opinion completely changed. lol I hate myself sometimes.

    This sounds pretty wild, and I think it's awesome you used to draw. I can't draw for shit. Great review!

    1. Hahaha. I don't know if this one is for you, or anyone, but it's so f--king ridiculous I think you have to love it. But, then again, I'm an asshole.

      Did you see Kung Fury? Similar vibe, just longer and possibly more...serious? Ish?