Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Is murder our new religion?

The ballot is stronger than the bullet.  - Abraham Lincoln

While I whole-heartedly agree with the 16th President of the United States, ultimately, it wasn't a lost election that took his life. Hell, it wasn't even a vampire [review], or an unrelentingly demanding wife [review] (both equally deadly). It was a single bullet cast by, of all things, an actor. 

Yeah, we gotta vote. No matter what. But let's not entirely discount the power of a psycho with a gun.

Turns out, those f--kers have some pull, too.

And I thought the Washington National's version was scary....
For something as easily dismissive as an 'action/horror movie', The Purge: Election Year is an impeccably-timed piece of subversive cinema. Writer/director James DeMonaco's third Purge film ups the ante of the previous two, pitting the fate of our yearly cleanse in the hands of drastically divided voters. Twelve hours of murder and chaos seems like something that we would never actually see on a ballot, but, at this point, would anything really surprise you?

Anyway, in DeMonaco's fictional version of the United States (decades into the future), two rival political figures are battling it out in a Presidential debate days before the annual Purge. Senator Roan (a solid Elizabeth Mitchell) represents a new way of thinking, and opposes the annual bloodbath . See, in the twelve hours where anything goes, a disproportionate number of poor people and minorities are ruthlessly slaughtered, and Roan has a plan to end it. Minister Owens, on the other hand, speaks for the old guard, and sees nothing wrong with our God-given murder one another. While the debate is certainly heated, it's just words being fired at one another. Remember, as lawless as the Purge is, there are some basic ground rules. Killing government officials is illegal.

Well, it was.

Roan's momentum terrifies the establishment, and on the night of the Purge, after a last-minute amendment to the rules, it's clear her life is in major jeopardy. Or it would be, if she didn't have Leo (Frank Grillo, creeping onto my top ten list of That Guys) heading her security team, the badass motherf--ker from The Purge: Anarchy [review]. Leo has to keep Roan alive for the movement to have a chance, but he's not going to be able to do it alone. Not even close. With the help of a few random and concerned/badass citizens, surviving the night? Well, it takes a village. 

I'm sorry, but uh, is it just me, or does Senator Roan look like 99% of porno secretaries?
Oh. It is just me. Darn.
Also requiring a large number of concerned and compassionate individuals, is the creation of the Yays and Boos. Just kidding, of course. It only takes one old fat guy with WiFi and semi-working laptop.

Yeah, Leo's not really a big fan of relaxing.
Or talking. Or following directions.
  • Man, I gotta add Give Up the Funk to my Purge gym playlist asap.
  • It seemed to be a lock that Mykelti Williamson would forever be known as Bubba Gump. Not so fast, hombre, as Deli Man (aka Joe) rockets up the charts. Seriously, Williamson is awesome as Joe, an old guy who's not the best at hiding his adoration for Senator Roan and her cause (even if she does have the rad combo little titties and big ass balls)
  • Waffles and p-ssy? That old dude has his priorities almost in the right order.
  • That jump scare got me. That's no way to roll up on the Purge medics.
  • Yeah, you read that right. Turns out, on the night of city-wide murder and mayhem, we get a cool duo of ladies saving the lives of murderous a-holes.
    Joe owns a convenience store downtown. Their specialty?
    Shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo....
  • Same goes for the Purge Night Sanitation Crew. Uh, these dudes are picking up bodies, when it wouldn't be a thing to add them to the pile.
  • I don't care if they make twenty of these damn movies. Buried in the Yays each time? The sound of the sirens.
  • guy has a mace. Even if he doesn't use it, and murder is like, NOT COOL, let me quietly applaud kickin' it old school.
  • Even though it contains the worst two bitches in the history of cinematic bitch-dom, I will excitedly carve my initials into a tree right below a picture of a car decked out in Christmas lights blaring the shit out of Miley Cyrus' Party in the U.S.A. Sure, it's an inadequate display of my undying affection for how f--king awesome this scene/vehicle is, but at least it's a start. Do you think anyone has registered a star for Badass Car full of Murderous Sluts from the Purge?
  • Dude, your mask game better be tight on Purge night. For real. These f--kers bring it.
  • Turns out, Murder-Tourism is a thing. Yep, Euro trash d-bags come to America to Purge and let's just say it doesn't end well for anyone involved.
  • Honestly, with the state of the world right now, it's hard to be excited for a violent shooting spree. Very hard, in fact. But not impossible...
  • These are our white people.
  • Not only we do get an epic dick punch, but there's also a pretty gnarly axe-battle, on top of a fairly rad parking garage knife fight. (All of which I can relate too as one time, when I was really looking for blood, I threw avocado at someone. Yeah. You should probably back up)
  • And finally, there is no better song to encapsulate this trilogy (for now) than David Bowie's I'm Afraid of Americans. Absolutely perfect. That's a song to leave the theater to.
I'd actually prefer this to riding in the back seat any day.
  • According to the New Founding Father's, the less poor people, the less we'll all have to pay for welfare. So the Purge totally is for you, taxpayer! (yikes)
  • I kind of already mentioned their rad car, but the two (old ass high school) chicks riding in it? Like, beyond f--king psycho. They're going to kill Joe because he wouldn't let them steal a candy bar. But what's even worse? As a teacher...I totally bought this as plausible. *shudder*
  • Purge Insurance is a thing. Shit...I guess that makes sense. What also kinda makes sense? The fact that they'd raise your premium the night before the f--king Purge. Bastards.
  • I get it, fine, but the quietly hardcore Mexican dude is from Juarez and has done (and seen) some bad shit? Okay. Whatever.
  • Again, I'm not for violence in any form (I missed with the avocado, by the way) but, c'mon Joe. Shoot those f--king bitches. 
  • So, you happen to be out in the streets during the Purge? That sucks. Ugh. Look at all these dead people. Or, I'm sorry, people pretending to be dead! AAaaaaaaa! Run!
  • Spoiler alert: someone gets shot. And they decide to take the bullet out themselves. In a moving vehicle. That's like a min-hospital with a nurse in it. Fine. Do whatever you like. What would I know? I'm just a doctor.
  • Joe, it's a deli. Let it f--king go, man.
  • The Crip whistle. Oooookay.
  • Man, that church service at the end looked like the front three rows of the RNC. Except in the movie, the rich white people were actually may have blinked.
  • And finally, a special f--k you to Harmon, the apparent leader of the religious wing of the New Founding Father's. Seriously, just give it up, man. Your party's over, psycho.
It's probably blasphemous to even mention the great Abraham Lincoln in a stupid post (on a stupid site) about the third Purge movie.

But the sentiment remains. You have to vote. Whether it's for something inconsequential like student council treasurer (keep the money under your bed and shut the f--k up, nerd), what some asshat on Twitter should eat for dinner, or something of paramount importance like staying in/or leaving the EU (I'm all for exiting Europium, as I've never been a fan of divalent compounds), or that big election coming this fall (the [even more] Annoying Orange or the lady whose heart program buffers when tragedies occur), casting a ballot is the duty of any citizen. 

I mean, seriously, this is serious. Our votes totally count for something. 

At least, they do in the movies.


  1. Nice review! I haven't seen any of the Purge movies. I know, I'm lame. This one did look the most interesting out of the bunch though.

    1. Thanks, Brittani.

      Nah, there's nothing lame about not having seen any of these, in fact, it's probably much more of a personality flaw having seen (and liked) all three of them. But, while they're not necessarily required viewing, they're not too long and all pretty frickin' entertaining.

      For me? That's more than enough.

  2. "list of That Guys" - I fear asking what that means :lol:

    Like Brittani I didn't see any of those but I plan on doing a triple-feature for Halloween

    1. list of That Guys is simply those dudes that I see in movies but can never remember their names. Good God...what did you think I was talking about??? Hmmmm....

      Okay. I'm inviting myself over to this imaginary slumber party.

      Oh, man....that just sounds terrible. I'll show myself out.

    2. My thoughts were obviously dirtier about that list :lol: