Always remember the basement.

It all started with recess. Instant relief ensued.
Then it was the ice cream truck, making my adolescent mouth begin to salivate.
Hell, even though I'm not religious, the ones from the church always made me feel...at peace.
And sure, he's annoying as f--k, but the Salvation Army Guy at least lets you know Christmas is right around the corner. There's a certain enjoyment in that annoying f--ker, you know?

Yes, I've heard lots of bells ringing in my lifetime, and many if not all of them have signaled something good was moments away, but never, ever anything like this. Never did they make me double check to see if the door was locked. Never did they make me think about my old high school girlfriend. And never, never did I think about those bells and tell myself, if only I could lovingly place them inside of my...vagina.

Until now.

Ring-a-ding-aling, we have a winner! I'm not exactly sure what the contest was, but regardless, Chan-wook Park's The Handmaiden wins in a landslide. Endlessly intriguing, breathtakingly gorgeous and unrelentingly sexy, this sordid tale is unlike any movie I've ever seen. But then again, I usually don't click on the girl-on-girl stuff...anymore.

Set in a 1930's Japanese-occupied Korea, the initial setup is quite simple. A young girl named Sook-hee is hired to be a handmaiden for an eccentric heiress named Lady Hideko. Sure, Hideko is a little, uh, troubled, but that's to be expected when dealing with the (soon to be) insanely rich and (currently) aloof.

Initially, we're let in on the fact that Sook-hee is actually a trained criminal, and that seems like it may be the most scandalous and secretive thing this film has to offer. However, as more and more information is delicately revealed, any little thing you thought you could count on isn't what it seems. At all.

But what is readily apparent, however, is the immediate sexual tension between Sook-hee and Lady Hideko. Yeah, maybe one of them is pretending to be something they aren't (math might not be my strong suit here), but the latent heat firing between various lady-parts is 900% truth. It starts as a bit of a curiosity, sure, as both ladies dip their toes in each other those soapy murky waters, but eventually it's going to reach quite the, uh, climax. If you don't find yourself aroused even a little bit, you might want to make yourself an appointment...in Hell. 


(I say this only because if this doesn't get you a little squishy in the pants, I can only assume you watch so much pornography you're practically dead inside...which is fine...I'm not here to judge you. In fact, let's share an incredibly calloused high-five on that, shall we?)

The Handmaiden didn't quite reach the heights of Park's previous utter mindf--k known around these parts as Oldboy, but for my money, no film ever will. Still, this is one of the wildest rides I've been on in recent memory, and a film I recommend you check out. Just don't have any fried calamari beforehand, okay?

So when I was in high school, we used to climb to the top of this mountain, right?
And when we got up there....well...

Look, there's a lot more to poke and twist regarding this film, but the less you know the better. I went in with only a salacious tweet's worth of information and finished the film with my jar (and my pants) on the floor. Just kidding (about my jaw).

I usually don't post personal photos...

Also smelling quite fishy, are those scissoring sisters the Yays and Boos. We managed to catch this one on a night where our entire family abandoned us. We almost went to the theater to see Rings, but we like our women slithering into dank wells, not out of them.

I'm thinking we should work with oils,  m'lady.

Yaaaaaaaaaa...

...aaaaaaaaay!

• Hahaha...f--k all those crying babies and an endless monsoon! I'm moving up, bitches!
• Even though I think most blood had left my head, I did manage to hear and process the score...and it's f--king fantastic.
• Dude, Sook-hee is a badass handmaiden. Instantly comforting, this lady will sing away all your troubles. Awww.
• Oh, and she'll also file down that nagging jagged tooth you're always complaining about, too (okay, what the f--k k was this scene? And why was it so f--king hot??).
• The camera is easily its own character, as it subtly weaves around the frame like a silent voyeur lapping up all the salaciousness. 
• I loved how Sook-hee was f--king terrible at keeping her street cred undercover. You can take the girl out the hood...
• Of all the things I've washed and pressed, has anything been this pretty? 
• I wish I could pick out the Japanese used to say uppity bitches. I'm pretty sure I'll need that if I ever travel to Tokyo. Excuse me, good sir. Where can one find the uppity bitches?
• Dude, the Count is an epic f--king con-man. He's f--king everyone over, which is surprising, considering he's got a tiny joke of a c-ck.
• While I thought trying on the corset was hot as Hell, the removal of said corset was infinitely hotter.
• Did you ever run as a go-between for a friend and basically end up falling for the person you're supposed to be buttering up? Yeah...me neither. (sorry, Most of My Friends from Middle School)
• Her weird nervous laugh!
• Hey, I've got an idea. How about us fine-ass ladies practice various sensual activities using...say....a lollipop? 
• So, uh, the end of Part 1 f--ked me in my ass (to put it mildly).
• As dirty as these f--king guys are, there's a part of me as an English teacher (uh...about that) that was kinda psyched to see a bunch of dudes enjoying a good read aloud.
• We have a new world record for Stolen Dialogue! (I loved all these callbacks to earlier conversations!)
• Hopefully my library still has a Kindle version of The Sound of Bells on a Windless Night. *crosses fingers*
• All bullshit aside, the performances from our two leads are phenomenal. Each is so careful in revealing the true nature of their characters, I was inspired. Oh, and they're super f--king hot, too.
• And finally, even though all the naughty bits could basically make any film utterly compelling, even without all the graphic sex, The Handmaiden is a stunning film in just about every way. Yeah, you might hear about some kinky stuff, sure, but this film is so much more than that, trust me.

Yep, I told you. It's a real page-turner.

Boooooooooooo!

• What kind of uncle wants to marry his niece? *holds index finger to ear* Hold on. We're getting more information. *pauses* This is the least creepy thing about this guy.
• Wait? She's illiterate? Unacceptable. Especially in this library.
• Don't you just hate it when as soon as you leave your mansion, your assistant tries on all your finest silk dresses? Me too.
• What the f--k was that snake?
• You're rich, Creepy Uncle Guy, we get it. Must you have some poor bastard literally carry you around on his f--king back?
• I'm sorry, f--k these watercolors, go get the oils. The f--k?
• Blood on the sheets. Never a good thing.
• I'm all about getting kids to read at an early age...however...
• Hey, you. Yes, you...the one reading this blog right now. You look mesmerizing.
• Of all the times I was tempted to look away, when Sook-hee goes apeshit in the library may have been at the top. Damn, girl. Unc's gonna be pissed!
• The basement. Three words: What. The. F--k.
• And finally, I'm kinda pissed there wasn't a part 4, frankly. Because, in all honesty, I've got some questions. It has nothing to do with seeing more of their passionate adult-time. Nope. Not in the least. 

When I was in high school, I had a very beautiful Japanese girlfriend named Jennifer. She was, in all honesty, maybe one of the most attractive girls I had ever seen (up until I met my wife...uhhh, right, hun? Right? Hello?). She also was, not long before we started dating, my best friend's girlfriend. But after he graduated (let's call this part 1), they broke up...and, well, things sort of progressed. And if I can be frank, I think it's fair to say that I manipulated more than just the situation, you know? See, just before I went off to college (part 2), I thought it would be a good idea to ----

Oooooh. Sorry. I gotta end it here, as it's getting pretty f--king late. 

It's okay, really. This story was going to take a nasty, nasty turn. Consider yourself...

...saved by the bell.