Monday, August 21, 2017

Let the pain run through you.

She comes in, and you can just tell, something isn't right. On many fronts.

She's talking to everyone in the theater, and though I can't hear what they're saying, it's obvious that she's asking them to check their tickets. Eventually, she clamors up into my section, and stares down at the good folks also seated in Row D. Through the glasses clinging to the tip of her nose (I'm assuming that prior to the movie, she had been reviewing ingredients for stew), she eyeballs everyone, before noisily demanding that the people to my left are in her seats. She keeps saying, I have 7 and 8. I have 7 and 8. But she's talking to 5 and 6 (after already badgering 2 and 3). 

Finally, she's next to me, 9, and she's trying to put her drink she brought from home in the cup holder to my right, and it's not fitting, because, you know, it's holding my phone. But she ain't giving up. I eventually intervene and unearth my Galaxy, and after collapsing into her seat, she looks up at me and says, why's it so dark in here? It's at this point I see the little boy she's towing behind her. I kind of shrug to myself, thinking, it's usually pretty f--king dark in the middle of the goddamn movie.

And when she finally looks at the screen, she notices Idris Elba is shooting everyone in his path, and she asks 5 and 6, what movie is this? Their response contains only three words, but their tone suggests many more.

Ohhhhhhhhhh, she bellows. We must be in the wrong theater!

I'm assuming that crazy lady was trying to take her grandson to see The Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature, but somehow ended up tits deep into The Dark Tower. And while I truly commend anyone taking a little kid to the movies on a hot summer day, her noble attempt was nothing short of calamitous. See, even if you mean well, you can still f--k up a good thing.

Despite having read a shit-ton of Stephen King books when I was a kid, I don't recall reading any of The Dark Tower series. When the film was announced, the general consensus seemed to be a combination of it's about f--king time and don't f--king bother. Apparently, these books were so good, there was simply no way one film could do them proper justice. Especially if it was only ninety-five minutes long...

...and f--king terrible.

About that...

Honestly, as I've said countless times before, expectations are everything. If you're like me and head into this one not knowing the books and knowing that its currently just getting its drivers license over at Rotten Tomatoes , you're not going to expect all that much. Which might work in the film's favor, oddly enough. Clearly, it's not the worst f--king movie ever, which would have been pretty cool, but instead? It's the one thing a film starring Idris Elba and Matthew McConaughey shouldn't be: inexplicably boring. 

Apparently, our world is one of many, and all the bad things our kept out of it by some ominous tower in another dimension. Or something. I'm not a hundred percent on this. I'm like, pretty f--king sure there is a tower. And I'm pretty sure it's good. Like, if it fell over...that would be bad. But I guess that could be said for just about any tower.

See, there's this kid, Jake, and when he's not scribbling pictures of the men of his dreams, he's kicking the asses of nosy punks at his middle school in New York City. Jake's parents have had it, and they're shipping his sketchy ass away. Or they would have, had Jake not noticed that the two psych ward employees picking him were wearing human-like skin. Monsters they may be, but fast they are not. Jakey jukes them both, and after a house tries to eat him, he quickly ends up in Mid-World, where it's permanently Back to the Future III. Okay.

This is how Elba answers the door when his agent stops by.
I suppose it's post-apocalyptic, but in this place that looks like how I imagine modern-day Oklahoma, Jake meets The Gunslinger (Elba, thank God), a gravel-voiced dude who was once revered like a Jedi, but is now consumed with the thought of killing someone known as The Man in Black (McConaughey...perpetually gazing offscreen at a Lincoln Continental). The Gunslinger could give a f--k about Jake, honestly, but Jake with his 'gift' may be able to track down The Man in Black. Which totally works out, as The Man needs Jake's magical brain to destroy the tower. Hey, what the f--k? Are you...are you snoring?

Well, good thing, as hopefully you can sleep through the Yays and Boos. As school officially starts on Tuesday (uh, for teachers), The Dark Tower is a fitting way to end the summer movie season. In both scenarios, it's the existence of a child that ruins everything.

I thought I would hate this kid. A lot.
I was wrong. A little.

  • I'm not sure why he's still not batting cleanup for the Indians, but regardless, any time with Dennis Haysbert is a good time.
  • Initially, The Gunslinger isn't super fond of Jake, and dangles him over a 9,000 foot cliff. No, like...for real.
  • Jackie Earl Haley. Not sure what the Hell he's doing here, but I like it regardless.
  • Uh, The Man in Black has powers. Immense powers. All he has to do is say the word and you'll do it. And even if he doesn't tell someone to eat shit and die, what he does say (and how it plays out) is either super cool or super lame. Either's a Yay!
  • I might not be remembering this correctly, but I'm pretty sure Jake has a vision of his father and it goes south in a hurry. Unless, of course, you'd be psyched to see your pops turn into a womb full of spiders.
  • Even if a lot of the shooting happens offscreen (or when Winifred Sanderson zooms into your theater), everything Elba does with a pistol is really f--king cool. I mean, usually it's the unloading of the bullets that I'm looking forward to...
  • I enjoyed that demon-thing, I suppose. At the very least it got me looking forward to season two of Stranger Things.
  • So, in Mid-World, they have to go meet a psychic, or in their terms, a seer. Like, the strongest seer in all the land. Which makes sense, actually, because she gave me the strongest boner in this or any dimension. It's more than visions I'd like to share with her, right? Right? Right? What I'm saying, just so we're clear, is I would strongly prefer to have spirited sexual intercourse with this woman due to her attractive nature.
  • The Gunslinger visits, uh, regular Earth and it's kind of funny. The scene in the hospital easily being the best scene in the entire film.
  • And finally, can we all put our hands together for Idris Elba? Please. This dude has been in some really shitty movies in his career, but he's always the best part. I know that isn't exactly high praise, but dammit, it's all I've got. 
They call him Mr. Glass. I'm sorry, Mr. Glasshole.
(this whole scene makes Enchantress' garbage twirling seem...
  • Honestly, for a Tuesday afternoon showing, I thought I'd be the only one. There were at least fifteen other people with me. And at least one Juggalo. 
  • Sorry to everyone I know in Poland but the Mother! trailer didn't really do it for me. Like, I'm gonna see it. But I'm only bringing one pair of pants.
  • Speaking of parents, what the f--k is Jake's step-dad's problem? Not only is this guy a terrible parent, he's also a terrible actor.
  • I'm not sure if McConaughey has had work done or what, but he looks like Miles Teller took a bunch of drugs and made a Matthew McConaughey mask exclusively out of armadillo tails.
  • I told you a house tries to eat Jake, right? Well it did. Until of course, he asked it not to.
  • Poor Gunslinger. That guy's on Earth for ten minutes and not only does he get shot, he also finds out he has all of the Hepatitises. Hepati? Hepatitties. Whatever. You know what I mean, for f--k's sake. He's sick.
  • Which may explain that when he yells, it's in British.
  • Goodness, here we go again: a giant contraption has a singular weak spot. And it's not even a motherf--king shield generator!
  • According to IMDb, they spent sixty million dollars in the production of this film. Really? Uh, I'm gonna need to see some receipts.
  • And finally, while I imagine The Man in Black to have been quite the imposing figure in the books, here....he's so f--king silly. I get it man, McConaughey kind of let loose and all...but scary it ain't. The only thing I was concerned about, was whether I'd ever see McConaughey in a good movie again. And that sucks because we all know he can do total f--king psycho with the best of them [review], but this shit is just nonsense. 
Look, we all make mistakes, but at least we tried, right? And I'm sure everybody involved with The Dark Tower will bounce back eventually.

Me? I'll be back at school soon, and I just found out they blocked Netflix! There's no way I'm watching another shitty movie anytime soon.

Scary old lady? Next time she'll actually look at her ticket stub, and bother the piss out of the correct auditorium.

McConaughey and Elba? They're handsome. And rich. Shit. They've never made a mistake in their lives.

But what about you? You read this entire post. Not only are you pretty much screwed...

...I think you're sitting in my seat.


  1. Wtf that mother! trailer is amazing. Ed Harris is giving it to Michelle and u are only bringing 1 pair of pants? I am bringing at least 3 pairs of underwear.

    Oh God poor Idris. Why cant Hollywood just make him Bond? Also fuck Sony. 60 mil and 100 mins for this....i fear for Hardy-boo and that Venom movie.

    I am dying to read ur next one. Hugh saying the P word better gets his own yay because it's been 3 days and I am still....excited.i think I need to see a doctor soon like those dudes when viagra doesnt stop working.

    1. Girl...I was expecting like, half a boner...and I got...nothing. I really, really think I'm over JLaw entirely. I'm blaming you and your RF links, too. Uh huh. I said it.

      Somehow, Elba will survive this, but for f--k's sake this guy should be a gigantic star at the box office...yet he just keeps finding himself balls deep in giant turds. I'm all in for him as Bond...'cause Craig ain't foolin' anybody that he's in it for the long haul. I think he's got one more in him, pays off his solid gold castle, and then he runs the f--k away.

      Venom....please. Please make that NOT suck.

      Unfortunately school has started. I haven't mustered the will to write up Butter, as I barely have the will to live. But...uh, I'm stoked that you 'liked' it. Boyd was easily the best part.

    2. WHAT? I'm refreshing that website like insane this week waiting for boo booo review. I write every Friday and I haven't had a will to live in years.

      My RF links are innocent. It's the content that isn't

    3. Merry Christmas. Hope you like crap.

  2. Man, I feel bad because I Idris and McConaughey and I know how big of a fan base The Dark Tower has, but it sounds like they fucked this one. Hard.

    1. Elba is good...even if the movie is shit. I'm not sure what McConaughey was doing...but I suppose he had fun doing it? I honestly don't know anymore...


  3. You seen the Full Story trailer for Marvel vs Capcom: Infinite

    1. I don't know what this is...but, uh...I played the demo and thought it was lame.

  4. Reading about this film is so depressing. Compressing some of King's best shit, SEVERAL BOOKS WORTH, half of which I have gotten thru, into, like you said barely 90 minutes, is disgraceful. At least Kubrick did something interesting when he changed up a King story!!

    Loved the anecdote at the beginning. Hilarious stuff. Keep it up mate, you always make me laugh =)

    1. This may sound stupid, but I'm not sure I want to even go back and read them, as I'm likely to have McConaughey running through my head the whole time. Oh, and at this point in my life, anything resembling a series would probably last until my deathbed.

      Haha, yeah...Kubrick definitely changed some things up. Which initially pissed me off when I was a kid...and terrified me.

      Man, that lady was out of her f--king mind. Honestly. I felt bad for the kid, but at least he got to see some of a 'grown up' movie. Bonus, for sure.

      Thanks for the kind words. I'm glad somebody finds this shit funny.