Wednesday, September 6, 2017

When I talk to him, I feel like I'm outside.

Being that I'm four-fifths unsightly troll, I had to work really hard to get a girl to like me in high school. Really hard. I had to like, be witty and stuff. Always. I had to (not) captain our (winless) varsity basketball team for two tumultuous seasons of BIIF (Big Island Interscholastic Federation) competition. Hell, I wrote f--king poems, you guys. Actual rhyming words, for f--k's sake. Oh, and Taco Bell? It's on me, m'lady. And, yeah, f--k it. Get some Cinnamon Twists, too. I'm making those part-time high-school janitor dollars.

But maybe love shouldn't be such hard work, right? Maybe it takes more than the personality and charm of a middle-aged bus driver to catch the eye of a lovely young woman? Maybe it takes something more universally coveted. Something like...

..long hair.

And a f--king skateboard.

Risk sanity...for everything...everything.
In yet another episode of m.brown is a stupid asshole who watches shitty movies like a middle school girl, I decided to give something called Everything, Everything a go. Redboxed from the gas station nearest my house (which for some reason, creepy Google has decided is my place of employment), this teen-drama made me feel like a very old man. Like, the young people were talking, but a f--k I could give. Yeah yeah yeah, your life sounds real hard, kid. 

Try being a f--king adult.

Maddy is days away from turning 18, when the edgy and brooding Olly moves in next door. While it would be nice to meet him behind the U-haul for an e-cigarette and some dry humping, ol' Maddy can't leave her house. Ever. Yep, this chick has some ultra-rare immune deficiency or something, and any contact with the outside world will kill her immediately. Or so says her mom, Dr. Pauline Momlady (possibly not her real name). And maid Carla, you know, the one who just walked in from outside and handed Maddy the f--king mail. 

You're probably smart enough to know how this one ends, but clearly I ain't exactly setting the world ablaze with my mental capacity, so it took me way too many of the 96 minutes to figure it out. While I was hoping Olly would put 'em on the glass for Maddy to gaze at longingly, these two lovers are going to surprise everyone/no one, and break all your goddamn rules in the name of true love. 

The best thing about being a teacher is summer vacation former students, naturally, and truth be told, I caught this one on a recommendation from a young girl I taught two years ago. Occasionally, one of my former students will track me down to tell me they're going to the movies (theater attendance is something I preach (sadly?)) and I typically promise them that I'll eventually check out whatever it was they were fawning over. As I recall, this girl didn't even like the damn movie, but I'm a man of my word, you know? Okay, clearly I'm not much of a man, but I do what I can.

Her: I love him so much.
Him: Should I get the new Xbox?
Also doing their best (and also with very little to show for it), are the Yays and Boos. We have been in such a movie-seeing drought lately, laboring through this shit-show seems like the biggest waste of time, no? Hopefully we'll redeem ourselves this weekend, sailing paper boats into the sewers...

Okay, I basically hate everything, right?
But this little gesture is kind of rad...and expensive as f--k!
Goddamit, Olly! You used all the color ink again!

  • Maddy's 18th birthday is pretty rad, honestly: beautiful cake, epic Scrabble game with mom, watching Moonstruck. I'll be 38 in eight days. I think I could pull this off.
  • Initially, the romance blossoms via texts. The visualization of this? Oddly inspired.
  • Dude, Olly may be the biggest of tools, but my man works with machine-like efficiency. He drops You're beautiful on Maddy and it's a wrap.
  • We have to pick up the subtext in the subtitles...which as someone who rarely says what he means...I could appreciate.
  • Remember when the person you had a crush on started talking about someone else? And how you started to pre-emptively dump them before you were going out? Ah, those were the days.
  • Hey, your girlfriend has a super rare disease where damn near any germ will kill her? You know what would be like, the best? A five-hour plane ride to Hawai'i! 
  • And finally, before Everything, Everything started, we were treated to a preview for Me Before You [review]. Holy shit, did I love that movie...
  • Who are these contractors to build houses with non-master bedrooms so f--king close together. Seriously, if the windows weren't nine-inches thick, I'm assuming Olly could hear Maddy lady-fart. I mean, toot. Lady-toot.
  • Oh, and Maddy's house is way too amazing for this shitty neighborhood. Sure, her mom's a doctor, but good Lord this place is from the f--king future.
  • I'm pretty sure that Olly has an infinite amount of gravel in his room, or saved all of his baby teeth for this special moment. Either way, this dude's throwing an endless stream of shit at Maddy's window to get her attention. Ever heard of a cell phone, bro? Or a f--king boombox and Peter Gabriel?
  • I don't even want to do the research into how old/young the actress playing Maddy is, but for f--k's sake...her boobs rattled me. Total car-accident on the highway, you know? I didn't want to look, but I basically stared....and didn't really see anything anyway. But I hated myself, regardless.
  • F--king teenagers. Olly (endearingly?) shoots his wristband at Maddy. Her rebuttal? A f--king handstand. Now if only I could get that wristband around my neck...
  • Yo, what the f--k was with Janet, the new nurse. She seems like a fine German woman, I think. Though I'm not sure about either...
  • Olly packs his suitcase in under ten seconds. Though when you only wear black t-shirts, I guess that's about right (and as a guy, I can't wear clothes that I didn't pack).
  • Girl, if you're gonna go to Hawai'i, and you're gonna mention our state fish, do that shit the right way.
  • Speaking of, and I hate to ruin it, but when you touch down in the islands? There ain't no sexy lady waiting on the tarmac with a lei and a kiss. Or maybe she just saw me coming....aww.
  • My daughter is only four, so mark this down now: for the first time in my life, I have seen a bathing suit...that showed too much titty. Turn around, young lady. Here's an XXL t-shirt and a sun-hat. Put 'em on right now...and stay right here. We'll be back from the beach in an hour.
  • And finally, I've hit the age where I don't know how old anyone is anymore. Honestly. I think college kids look like high-schoolers. And this movie, about high-schoolers? They looked like something worse. Way worse. And the fact that Olly and Maddy get it on like dogs in the street was completely unsettling. Okay, fine. The sex scene was like one-second long and featured an indecipherable body part being caressed, but I was mortified regardless. I didn't sign up to say aloha to Maddy's virginity. Yikes.
Obviously, high school didn't really work out for me all that well. Good thing when I got to college, everything changed. Those girls that wouldn't talk to me?


They were now women.


  1. I read the ending a while back and it ended exactly how I thought it would. And that was after seeing the trailer once. It did look kind of sweet though, I'll give it that.

    That's nice that you actually check out things your students watch though. Most teachers would just lie about it.

    1. I don't think I ever saw a trailer, and honestly, the girl who recommended it to me also totally ruined the ending (I just forgot what she had said). To her credit, she said, 'you're never going to see this, Mr. Brown..." but I stopped her.

      "No, no. I'll check it out."

      Ah, the dumb shit I find myself saying sometimes. The worst thing? She's not even back at my school this year! I thought I was going to earn some major nerd points...but dice.

  2. Why did you even watch this? (she asks yet she has read the book.. which, I didn't enjoy!).. do you like.. is it like.. a.. self-torture thing?

    1. Because I'm a terrible person with bad taste and a good heart.

  3. Hold on just a second, man. A former student tells you to see a movie she disliked and you do and me, clearly a guru of knowing awesome movies and close personal friend, have been telling you for years to see a movie in my top 5 In the Loop and you didn't?

    This. is. an. outrage.

    1. I don't even care what these words say, as I'm just so stoked to read them.

      Now, then. What's this In the Loop film you speak of? Never heard of it.