It's America at it's f--king finest.

I've never done anything illegal.

Not really.

Hell, I've driven too fast, probably gone a place or two I shouldn't have, but all bullshit aside, I've lived thirty eight years on this f--king planet without getting into any trouble. You'd think an impeccable conscience would be a good thing, right?

You'd think.

Not that I'm looking to be on the run from the law and/or various factions of international drug cartels, but holy f--k American Made presented living a life of crime nothing short of scintillating. Directed by my teenage hero, Doug Liman's latest is an absolute blast from beginning to end. And Tom Cruise? Well, f--k me sideways, but this might be one of his best...ever? (shit, lately seemed like faint praise...).

Starting out in the early 70s and rollercoastering through the mid 80s, American Made tells the brilliantly twisted tale of Barry Seal, a one-time TWA pilot turned government reconnaissance pilot/international drug mule/CIA operative/jack-of-all-trades. Karl Malone can politely f--k off, because it's Barry Seal that always delivers.

Generally, I'm a real bitch about these incredible true stories, but even if only a tenth of this shit happened, Seal's story is so f--king rad I'm gonna go ahead and embrace any embellishments. And seriously, as much fun as this movie is, why the Hell wouldn't you?

As the preview so perfectly captured, Barry's a good pilot flying the friendly skies for TWA. Apparently he was their youngest pilot ever, and when he's approached by the quietly mysterious Schafer to work for the good guys, Barry isn't asking too many questions. You got a job? He'll take it. More work couldn't hurt for a young dude with a young family (and a lovely...lovely, young wife).

Sorry, I'm drooling for some reason.


Anyway, Barry quickly gets knee deep in all kinds of shit. Drugs. Guns. Contras. Double-crosses, F--k, you name it, Barry's not only involved, but probably making millions in the process. Maybe panic attacks hadn't been invented yet, but trust me, Barry lives the next decade on the absolute f--king edge of life and death. The great thing is, he absolutely rolls with it. And while nothing he's doing is even remotely heroic, I found myself enamored with this guy's balls.

That might not have come out right. Or that either.

The guy on the way right is the best.
Smile any wider, partner, and you might eat some of that egg on your face.

Bottom line, I really enjoyed this one. Like, more than a friend. It's one of the funnier comedies I've seen in awhile. Some a-hole in the IMDb page suggests it might be too long, but I'm not sure what the f--k would make that guy happy. It's under two hours and tells a story that spans fifteen years. What the f--k, man? We all know Spider-Man's origin story and Homecoming [review] was two hours and thirteen minutes. Shit, the My Little Pony Movie is only eleven minutes shorter than American Made. 

Sorry, I might have blacked our for a minute there. I'm a little touchy (/douchey) when it comes to runtimes. Here are the Yays and Boos, to calm us all the f--k down. Oh, you're already calm? Okay, I get it. Jeez. Relax, f--ker.

Do you have a kiss for Daddy?
(So that's how it is in their family...)

Yaaaaaaaaaay!

• Hell, just seeing the old-school Universal logo, and I'm already a fan of this movie.
• Jimmy Carter! Bill Clinton! Hell, even a young Dubya makes an appearance. Sigh. Remember not hating the shit out of the President? Those were the days!
• Dude, Sarah Wright plays Lucy Seal, and outside of her unnecessary swearing, let me tell you...I was a fan. Oh, Lucy's skeptical as f--k, but um...she also kind a rolls along with it, er, everything. And as sexy as she is on land...wait till you see her in the sky.
• The saturation of all the browns and greens was awesome. Truly, the look of this film was so...comfortable. The cinematography is perfectly nostalgic, you know. Makes the late 70s and early 80s look just like they do in my mind: beautifully shitty. I almost wish the AC in the theater was broke and that the guy behind me was smoking a cigar. Almost.
• That fat security guard cracked me up. Like, did that change the odds when they were betting?
• Apparently, when the government hooks you up, they don't spare any f--king expense. A nice house? Loads of cash? Cool, cool. Thanks. What's that? An airport? Two thousand acres? Um...thanks...a lot? 
• Barry eventually needs to expand his business. Those other dudes he hires? F--king awesome, the lot of 'em.
• I know you youngsters could give a f--k, but seeing Barry basically using a slew of payphones like his own f--king office was just about perfect. I think I probably answered a payphone twice in my entire life (once that was actually for me, and once when Kiefer Sutherland threatened to kill me if I hung up [pretty sure that was me]), but this shit brought me back.
• When the Feds raid my house one day, I hope I get an agent that's cool enough to let me say goodbye to my wife like that one dude did. 
• And finally, I can't imagine if this could be verified, but towards the end of Barry's run, he's always leery about starting his car every morning. Totally loved the montage of him asking people nearby to back up. That shit's so awfully kind, I couldn't help but laugh. 

Holy shit! Guys.
Maverick is flying our plane!

Boooooooo!

• So that's what turbulence really is? What the f--k?
• Pablo Escobar? Manuel Noriega? Oliver North? Jesus, Barry. It's like a who's who of the f--king 80s, man. I'm just pissed he didn't guest star on a very special 'say no to drugs' episode of Alf or Knight Rider.
• Maybe three times, in almost forty years, I've had to piss during a movie. And this time? I missed something huge. Good thing Film Twitter had my back. Shout out to @rhysgdrury and @5minutemovieguy for taking care of shit I missed...while I...pissed.
• Shoot the gringo! Not cool, man. 
• Oh. My. Gosh. Those pictures? Amazing. Broadcasting them all over the world? Quite the opposite.
• Usually I'm a fan when a beautiful woman starts taking off her jewelry and her fine outerwear. In this case? NO! KEEP THAT SHIT ON, LUCY!
• I used to dream of staying in a different hotel every single day. Turns out, that's much closer to being a nightmare. My bad.
• And finally, f--k you JB. Right in your stupid, hillbilly ass. Always gotta be somebody in the family to f--k everything up. In my family...well, it isn't me. But sometimes, like I said, I wish it was.

This one is getting published during the middle of the day due to the fact that I took a personal day off from work. I know, right? My wife's in Vegas. My kids are in school. I've could do anything I wanted to, you know? Anything I could dream of...maybe even some illegal shit.

Or I could sit in my living room. With my dog.

And work on my blog.

Dammit.