Tuesday, July 31, 2018

The American people don't need this!

Twelve hours...and I can do anything I want? Like, anything-anything? That sounds f--king fantastic.

I've got it. I know exactly what I would do, motherf--ker. Exactly. *rubs hands together, Mr. Burns-style*

But, uh...is it still considered a nap if you do it for half a day?

Somebody in Marketing needs a raise. And probably a passport.
It's not that The First Purge was sleep-inducing or anything, but this was the only time in four films I thoroughly didn't give a shit. Dialing the series back to how the annual night of lawlessness began was a solid (if unsurprising) way to further the lore, but the results are mixed at best. Maybe it's because series creator James DeMonaco finally didn't direct his own script (he was three for three prior), or maybe seeing how it all began was simply... redundant. I mean, we all know how the Purge began, or well, will begin. It's f--king happening all around us.

Turns out, the (fictional) initial Purge was a bit of a bust. Confined to Staten Island, most people just wanted to get high and dance in the streets like coke-fueled MC Skat Kats. These opposites don't attract however, and the recently-elected New Founding Fathers of America (the NFFA, derp) have a big f--king problem on their hands. After going all in on this absurd/brilliant (if you're Thanos) concept, the NFFA see firsthand that America, well, a certain segment of it, ain't exactly all about the murdering of their neighbors. Even if you pay them to do it.

So what's a horribly corrupt government gonna do? Send in Blackwater-esque troops disguised as regular a-holes to get this party started, of course. And by party, obviously I mean a small-scale genocide, using military-grade weapons on unsuspecting citizens. Or as my Twitter feed so devastatingly puts it, an average weekday in contemporary America.

Even it doesn't make the top ten of Purge Night Costumes......I support anyone who rocks the John McClane.
While I have always appreciated/devoured what The Purge films have said about class and race in our society, this one left me a bit...hollow. Of course, that's probably by design, but this fourth entry seems to have dissolved a once nuanced story into a black-and-white tale of black good guys vs. white bad guys. Subtle, it ain't.

Also lacking any sort of gray (matter) area, are the Yays and Boos. We're not sure there will be another Purge film next July, but sometimes, after watching the news, we're not even sure there's going to be a next July.

Tough night for a first date.

  • My main man Steve Harris aka Eugene from The Practice aka O-Gene shows up for a minute as one of those old dude's who ain't got time for this shit. 
  • A bit ridiculous, sure, but those participant contact lenses are so badass. They glow unnecessarily, which is clearly a plus. And an added bonus? This effect makes  everybody look like f--king jungle cats stalking prey.
  • I need my alarm to be the Purge siren. That shit is so unsettling, I'll probably stop snoozing 19 times. (you know, when I go back to work...in three weeks).
  • Equal parts awesome and terrible, there's a crackhead dude named Skeletor, who's basically the big bad. I'm not sure I'm a fan, but I'm damn sure his syringe gloves freaked me out. Like, stab me. Behead me. But don't inject me.
  • During the Purge, they'll be swinging, swaying, records playing, and f--king in the street. It doesn't matter what you wear, just as long as you are there.
  • Whoa. Not since Happy Death Day [review] have I been so scared of a dude in a baby mask. Nice. Guys, babies themselves are terrifying enough. A fat creeep wearing their face? F--k that!
  • No lie, Purge fashion is beyond dope. I probably wouldn't participate solely because I'd feel under dressed.
  • Funny Old Lady is actually....pretty funny. I mean, the visual of her bowels done joining the Purge is a bit unsettling, sure, but I laughed regardless.
  • I think it started during Braveheart, but for as long as I can remember, if blood splats on to the camera, you basically had me at Hello. *nods* You had me at Hello.
  • Are stairwell fights a thing? Are all fight choreographers trying to one-up each other? Cause I'm in, if that's the case.
  • And finally, even if The First Purge isn't as good as the first Purge [review], I'll cheer the fact that these low-budget flicks are still turning a profit on the same ridiculous idea. I'm not sure we get (or need) another movie, but I'll definitely check out the TV show...even if it's on...USA? Guess I'll have to stay Up!...All night. Anyone?
The new Aunt May gets the most unceremonious
death in cinematic history. Well, outside of old Uncle Ben.
  • Thanks, Family Who Brought Their Six Year Old Daughter. Made everything way more enjoyable. A-holes.
  • Apparently, the NRA supported the NFFA (a bunch of evil white guys) in taking over American politics. Um, isn't this a summer horror movie? I didn't sign up for a goddamned documentary.
  • Van Jones plays himself. Except he's not working for CNN. I guess he exist, but his current employer (and reason he's famous) does not.
  • As much as liked/hated Skeletor, he's basically a total f--king dick. Dude, go ahead and murder everyone. But for f--k's sake, can you dial back the creepiness a bit? I almost felt bad for that chick grinding all up on his (presumably) terrifying wiener. Almost.
  • Okay, Blumhouse. Everybody in the theater is probably gonna see the new Halloween any way. You don't need to place that product.
  • There's nothing happening. YEAH, NO SHIT.
  • Think of the children!! Turns out the FCC is also taking 12 hours off as the first kill is, for some reason, broadcast nationally.
  • Uh...a bunch of nice people decide to ride out the Purge in a church. Holy shit, it doesn't end well.
  • I'm sure the sitting president didn't know anything about it, but sure enough, some Russian dickwads are meddling in 'Merica's Purge. What's next? A shirtless Vladimir Putin wins America's Got Talent?
  • Just so we're clear, the heroes in this movie that are trying to save Staten Island...are the most notorious drug dealers...on Staten Island.
  • Oh, and our main man, Dmitri? The only reason he's out there saving lives is his three-way with two hookers went tits up. Pretty noble, right?
  • Totally unrelated, but two big white dude's showed up 85 minutes late and were not pleased at what was on the screen. There are 13 screens, fellas. You close your eyes and you've got pretty good odds at ending up in the right theater. Not standing in front of me like an asshole.
  • And finally, not that I wanted more or anything, but that's it? I don't think the last bullet had hit the ground and all of a sudden the sun's up, birds are chirping and the credits are rolling. The First Purge not only kicks you out of bed right after, but it doesn't even half-heartedly say it will text you later. Nope. Show's over. Feel free to f--k off.
Though the quality of this post wouldn't necessarily suggest it, this f--ker took me forever to write. Like, forever. I wouldn't be surprised if when you add it all up, it was something like two or three hours to pump out this nonsense. And I've been thinking about it for weeks. Imagine...all that time and effort...for pretty much nothing to happen.



Sorry, I was just waiting for the government to intervene.


  1. Going back to work already? (well in three weeks but it seems so soon!) That's sad.

    But as I've not watched any of the other purge movies except the first, I'm not surprised this one didn't work out. I think by the time the idea is explored once, it's not really interesting to do it again and again. Unless you have a really goo idea. I think Purge as an idea is pretty cool, I just wish it had a bigger impact. It had potential though.

    PS: First date? Who schedules a first date on purge night?

    1. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! I don't even want to talk about it. *sobs*

      Check out the second one. And the third. They aren't classics or anything, but they are better than the first. And also The First. Maybe the TV show will reinvigorate the whole franchise?

      HAHahaha....it wasn't a first date. I was just being a dickhead.

  2. Your posts always crack me up mate! These Purge movies must be an American thing, not one of them as even played at the indie cinemas let alone the bigger ones. Do you think it's worth watching the series?

    Loved the line, 'we're not sure if there be will a next July'. Ha! Indeed, indeed.

    Keep up the good work my friend, I need to stop by here more often!!

    1. Thanks, man. That means a lot.

      I think the series has, at the very least, an interesting premise that's worth looking into. In my opinion, they get better as they go, but they are clearly not for everyone. Decent horror/thrillers but with a very interesting political foundation.


  3. "Hollow" is a really good word for this movie.

    1. Indeed. Major let-down after the first three (especially the last two).

  4. Haha in 3 weeks you will be just as tired as all of us who had to work during summer :).

    Though I am currently drinking coffee and reading this at work so it could be worse

  5. Three? THREE???

    Yeah, I guess. I don't see a kid til the 27th... but meetings start on the 20th. Or something. Honestly, I just wish i had more time off, you know. 9 weeks goes so fast.

  6. "Just so we're clear, the heroes in this movie that are trying to save Staten Island...are the most notorious drug dealers...on Staten Island." Bahahhaha - exactly! What an interesting group of heroes. But dude, yeah, that Skeletor guy was insane. That actor really went for it.

    1. Yeah, they were interesting for sure...just a little too...heroic, you know? I get what we're going for...but holy shit these dudes became equal parts Abe Lincoln and Princess Di.

      Skeletor? That kind of performance gets overlooked, but it was the right kind of bananas. It's both creepy-good and you know, regular creepy. Shit.