I was spellbound.

I'll watch your kids.

Assuming, that is, you're desperate enough to ask me. I'll talk to them, I'll feed them (take them to the King of Burgers, in fact), I'll even play with the little goofballs. Shoot, I'll even cleannnnn.....up after them (I'm a dude, so bath time's at your house). The whole nine.

I don't even need money, or a gift card (though they are appreciated) - absolutely no payment is required. And quite honestly, I don't even need reciprocation.

All I ask, all I require, is that eventually, perhaps even as soon as possible... is that you, after whatever it was you were doing that afternoon/evening...eventually come back and get them.

We good? Good.

Significantly better than good (but not quite great), was A Simple Favor, the latest film from (cue announcer voice) the dark side of Paul Feig. Based on a novel by Darcey Bell, this seemingly innocuous tale of friendship gone awry, initially presents itself as a bit of a fish-out-of-water comedy. But as the plot starts to unravel, any singular thing you might have penciled in as objective truth dissipates into a bloody handful of glitter, leaving you questioning the actions and motivations of everyone involved.

As much as it wants to f--k with your head, A Simple Favor is primarily a dark comedy, one that's an alluring mix of silly and sexy. Think of the most hysterical blowjob you've ever given/received and you're on the right track. Sure, some of the cutesy f--kery can be a bit much, but then you remember that that's Anna Kendrick onscreen, and well, all is immediately forgiven. Or forgotten. Sorry...someone mentioned Anna Kendrick?

Oh, right. I did.

Anna Kendrick, er, Stephanie Smothers, is your typical small-town movie widow: impossibly awkward yet way too hot to ever truly remain single. Stephanie, a doting mom, runs a moderately successful vlog, but still seems friendless and alone. Cue a mysterious amazon named Emily, skulking about with the heavy-footed grace of someone unburdened by f--ks to give. Steph and Emily (the names of my sister-in-laws, in an odd turn of events) have boys in the same elementary school, and over playdates and mixed drinks become fast friends. Turns out, Emily's gotta head out of a town for a bit, and if wouldn't be too much trouble, asks the astonishingly bubbly Steph to watch her son. Sure. She'd love to. *spits out drink* Wait, you can say that without being sarcastic? Who knew?

A toast to m.brown, and his dearly departed blog, Two Dollar Something or Other.

And friends, this is the moment where you might want to unplug the fan, because the shit has certainly hit it. Emily never comes back for her annoying kid, and it's increasingly likely that, uh, the only thing she'll ever return from is the grave. Yep, this alleged business trip was, in reality, a fishing trip. But the only thing anyone caught in that lake in Michigan is Emily's heroin-riddled corpse. Dang it, man! I guess the last stop for those Traveling Pants is a hospital dumpster.

Turns out, these days, even the tragic death of a young mom isn't something you can write down in pen. It's quite the mysterious mystery, and we're left with way more questions than answers. Perhaps there was a pet cemetery nearby? Worse yet, Steph's subsequent shacking up with Emily's hunky husband post gut-wrenching tragedy, ain't exactly going over that well with...um, everybody, so it's quite the dilly of a pickle.

Speaking of things no one can really understand (nor cares about), here are the Yays and Boos. My wife had planned on taking me to The Predator to celebrate my 39th, but what kind of birthday would it had been if she was grinding through a sci-fi/horror flick? I insisted we see A Simple Favor instead, because I was raised right. And because I have a major boner for Anna Kendrick.

Everything in this kitchen looks so inviting.
(that's not supposed to sound as creepy as it does, promise)

Yaaaaaaaaay!

• I kind of dug that old school opening, even if I'm not sure it went with the rest of the film...
• AK cranks the adorably awkward to eleven, and never really dials it back. And clearly, I'm here for it.
• I hate to say that, in any fashion, Blake Lively reminds me of my mom (or grandmother), but holy shit, her pottymouth? *wipes a tear from his face* Just like me mum. 
• So, is that how all vlogger's dress? Good God, there's another social media thing I need to not really get into.
• Dennis Nylon's receptionist was f--king awesome. In every way imaginable, too.
• Wow, f--king your new lady-friend on the day you bury your wife? That's...so...*whispers* efficient. Uh, and terrible. And stuff. But also amazing.
• The only thing hotter than AK getting into that dress is, obviously, AK getting out of that dress. 
• I love how despite the fact that everything that happens is for the Plot Devices children, there are long stretches where those f--kers are nowhere to be seen. 
• And finally, even if I'm not sure this is a movie I'll ever really need to see again, it was still a good time at the movies. Pretty ladies doing ugly things is typically a winning formula, and A Simple Favor easily keeps the streak alive. The awkward chemistry between Lively and Kendrick is something I'd certainly be down/up for again, you know? Maybe a Bound remake, perhaps?

This f--king guy (and his silly f--king voice).

Boooooooooooo!

• I would never tell you that Blake Lively is anything other than stunning, but that first scene? In the hat? Uhhhhh....
• The 'other' parents were basically the worst. Honestly, they seemed way out of place in a paper towel commercial, let alone a feature film.
• I haven't seen a couple openly make out like that since eighth grade. Goodness, you two. If that's how you kiss in front of people, I can only imagine how you roll behind close doors. No, seriously. I've been imaging it ever since.
• I get it, most people don't like having their picture taken, but holy f--k that was awkward.
• Uh, and speaking of awkward, that whole let's tell each other a secret game? That shit took quite the sexy f--king turn, right? Ew, gross.
• I'm probably the last person who should say this, but, uh, Steph pretty much vlogs out some real personal shit, right? Like, you sure we should be putting all this out there? 
• Sean, the husband, was easily my least favorite character (for a multitude of reasons). What the f--k was that 'crisis' scene? Now you're mad? Really? Why don't you share all these frustrations with your sexy-ass T.A.
• It's kind of a red flag when your soon-to-be wife tells you she stole something from your mom's house? As is the fact that she makes up for by f--king you on an airplane. But, you know, who am I to hold a grudge?
• Did AK and Lively kiss? I'm *pretty sure* they did. And that's the Boo. 
• Jinkies! I love me some Linda Cardinelli, right - we all do. But here? This knife-painting goofball? Like, let's get out of here, Scoob.
• Detective Guy was a bit of a sarcastic prick, no? Maybe dial it back a little bit, my man. 
• And finally, as much as I was on board with all the quirkiness, the story gets to be a bit much in the final act, you know? I'm all for proper twists, left turns and Bible Camp stories, sure, but eventually I pretty much had absolutely no idea of what the f--k was going on. How this is different from the rest of my life, is negligible at best, but still.

Did you ever do that assignment at school where you start a story by writing a sentence or two and then pass your paper around for the rest of the class to finish? When I use to teach English (big surprise, they don't let me do that anymore), I would do this story-in-a-round thing a couple times a year, and remarkably, it was always a crowd-pleaser.

Typically, by the time it got back to the student who started it, the narrative was just an absolute cavalcade of out of nowhere bullshit, but everyone involved came out smiling. A Simple Favor is a bit like that. But with a lot less kids in the room.

And, honestly, no matter how much you might need me to, off the clock? 

I'm not watching any of them.