But, hey - what are we gonna do, cancel Halloween?

We've all heard that right before you die - your whole life flashes before your eyes. Or, according to movies, the easily-decipherable important bits do. Your wedding. The birth of your children. Your spouse telling you they love you. It's all rather romantic, isn't it? I mean, who'd want to see a montage of all the times you wiped your ass?

Whether it's your little brother stabbing you while you toplessly comb your hair, or a kitchen knife through the back of your throat from a silent stranger dressed like a garbage man, one way or another, that highlight reel is cued up and ready to go.

All you gotta do is die!

Because I wanted to finally rejoin (film?) society and see the new Halloween movie (on opening night, no less), it would only make sense to revisit the old one beforehand. As in, immediately beforehand. So, within the space of half an hour, my wife and I (both of born in 1979), finished the 1978 original, then dashed across town to the theater to catch the 2018 sequel.

So, just like that, our entire lives had flown by. Four decades, gone. And when we came to, everything had changed. We were alive and very old, and more pressing, Jamie Lee Curtis' hair was no longer feathered.

After slogging our way through the deliberately-paced original, with my wife side-eyeing me the whole time (this is a classic? This?), it's safe to say that we both enjoyed the latest sequel infinitely more. While not much has changed for Laurie Strode, the pace and intensity of horror films, thankfully, has. Yes, this beauty versus the beast setup is a tale as old as time, sure, but now it's more visceral and exciting. Mikey is still as quiet and pissed off as ever. Bus transfers at the prison are still scoring needs improvement on Survey Monkey. And when Love It or List it comes to Haddonfield, Illinois, I don't give a shit how nice that new kitchen looks - you f--king list it, goddamn it. 


I know you old-schoolers out there are muttering blasphemy from under your flattened-out Captain Kirk masks and that's totally fair. But me? I was never a big Halloween fan in the first place to be honest with you. So outside of the fact that it's an indisputable classic, the original is a mixed bag to say the least. It's impossibly slow and severely lacking in the chills and kills. My wife, who has never seen every frame a horror film, didn't look away (that should probably read duck for cover [it's adorable/embarrassing]) once during the original. Well, outside of rolling her eyes at me.

While he nailed Don't talk to strangers, er, or anyone...
...young Michael never mastered knock before you enter.

This new update however, while not groundbreaking in the least, is undoubtedly solid, horror fun. Michael Myers is beyond pissed off and even at the tender age of sixty-one can kill a bitch with the agility of someone just old enough to rent a car. To run someone over with. Jamie Lee Curtis, apparently fueled by decades of nothing but probiotic yogurt, is as awesome as ever, and turns Laurie Strode into a f--king icon of home defense. Imagine if Kevin McCallister had a grandmother that voted for Trump and wasn't invited to spend Christmas in Paris and you're close to how hardcore Strode has become. The young version was a hero almost by default. But now, forty years later? She's pretty much John f--king Rambo.

Speaking of unexpected greatness decades after the fact, here are the Yays and Boos. With this post, we've officially dug ourselves out of the late-summer/early-fall movie watching hole we found ourselves in. From here on out? *deep breath in* Mmm-hmmm. That smells fresh.

Killing all these sexy women?
Yes, Michael. Time to come out of the closet.

Yaaaaaaa...

...aaaaaay!

• Twas the liveliest of crowds - which enhanced the whole experience. (that and the fact that we sat next to the partition, so bitches entering the theater appeared in front of us out of nowhere...scaring the piss out of my wife repeatedly)
• That opening was f--king fantastic. Well done!
• Virginia Gardner plays the babysitter, Vicky. Uh, Vicky is fine. Like, crazy fine. Made me wish I was an eight-year old black kid...
• ...speaking of, that little dude, Jimbrail Nantambu, stole this whole motherf--king movie.
• Andi Matichak, potentially the torch-bearer of the Strode family, is also impossibly sexy. If she's in the sequel, I'll Fandango that shit right now. Just kidding, of course. I don't use Fandango.
• Oh, and her dad? That dude is a top-shelf dork...and I couldn't have loved him more. 
• The entire scene at the gas station was f--king bonkers. I mean, that's a whole lot of collateral damage for a pair of overalls, you know? You probably just could have asked for the mask, too. And I've heard of guys who throw shoes (who throws a shoe?)...but, c'mon Mike. Who drops teeth?
• Even though I'm on the fence, I'm going to say that this is one time I'm all for leaving a baby alone. (Thank goodness)
• I wrote down that Kim the cat lady is hot as f--k. I don't even know what these words mean...but I'm going to stand by all of them.
• Some dude manages to wish the Michael Myers 'happy Halloween' on Halloween. And not be immediately murdered. So jealous...
• I guess when Laurie prepped her doomsday shelter, she bought that extra flammable wood. Holy f--k that place went up quickly...
• Judy f--king Greer absolutely kills...it.
• And finally, even though I grew up a steadfast Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger fan (in that order), after this one, Michael Myers might just silently leapfrog Mr. Striped Sweater. Sure, the old/young version of Michael Myers was long on standing around and short on personality, but this new/old version is an absolute badass. Brutally efficient and efficiently brutal, this motherf--ker upped his game exponentially. I guess four decades of standing on a giant chess board brings out the best in murderous f--kers. Who knew?

Probably what your deserve, you know...
...having a podcast and such.

Booooooooo!

• That lively crowd? Also included a couple of little kids. The f--k is this?
• Who the f--k runs this institution? Is it policy to let a-holes in to harass the criminally insane? (holding up the mask seemed a bit...tacky? Moronic? Suicidal?)
• Dude, nobody likes a third wheel guy in anything, right? Right. But this dude here? Like, off the charts terrible. The only thing he should ever try to kiss is his own ass goodbye.
• Laurie, quick question: You do know there are other towns where you're allowed to live, right?
• Man, you finally get up the nerve to tell your dad you want to be a dancer...and it's not only your dreams that get killed.
• Cool tattoo, bro. Did you ask the guy for the date you were gonna get nailed to a wall, or was that just a lucky coincidence? 
• Who are all these asshole in this neighborhood not opening their doors for a screaming girl? Oh, wait. It's Haddonfield. I guess that makes sense. 
• Clearly that doctor didn't fully buy in with the Hippocratic Oath, huh?
• And finally, ladies. Stop. Asking. The. Question. When we are making out, never, ever, never...has any guy ever heard whatever that noise was. Not once in the history of time. If we were making out, and I legitimately saw Michael Myers assembling a chainsaw behind you (as you were, say, unbuttoning your shirt)...I'm not saying a f--king word. I might mouth dude, don't be a dick...but that's about it.

Shit, here we are on the eve of Thanksgiving, and I'm finally wrapping up my Halloween post. It's been tough sledding lately, trying to keep Two Dollar Cinema breathing, but luckily for some (okay, one) of you...it ain't dead yet. But let's be honest, even if it did die a slow, horrible death...it could always come back. Forty years from now, in fact.


When I'm eighty.