Friday, October 18, 2019

With family, one hopes for the best.

It's hard to play games with my wife, board games, that is (ahem), because as she'll repeatedly claim, she's not into the competition part of it - just the fun. Cool story, lady, but frankly I don't see much fun without the competition part of it.

In the past we'd play the odd game of Connect Four, Battleship or Yahtzee, but our longest rivalry centered around a game called [nerd alert] Dropmix, where the only real losers are the hammer anvil and stirrup of nearby people. Recently, we dabbled in Scrabble for the first time in forever, though I'm not sure how much fun she had (I totally kicked her ass). Words, as you can so obviously tell, is my good...thing.

In the absurdly kickass Ready or Not, the game is less triple-word score, more quadruple homicide. Set just hours after a rather hoity-toity wedding, the lovely Grace finds herself playing an initially awkward game of hide-and-seek...against her in-laws (oddly enough, on my wedding night, I was also hiding from my in-laws).

Apparently, her husband's family, after amassing generational wealth in the lucrative board game business, partakes in a silly tradition where the newest member of the family has to *insert Jigsaw voice* play a game. Grace picks a card any card, and out comes the seemingly innocuous children's game. Though, when we played it, as best as I can remember it, no player was issued a f--king crossbow.

I know you already knew all of  that, you knowledgeable devil,  but short or repeating the killer premise, everything else is as spoiler-filled as that goddamned trailer. Grace has to survive the night, and judging by the already announced sequel, she will, but holy shit are there some major surprises along the way (my favorite being something that would easily get me fired, but might just be worth it regardless).

Aunt Helene, looking like the f--king Babadook over there...(I loved her so much here)
Speaking of things that would get me shitcanned, here, after a lengthy hiatus, are the Yays and Boos. If I don't see at least a half a dozen Grace's this Halloween, I'm officially quitting life. I mean, Life. Which actually isn't a big ask, because I hate that f--king game and all the penis-shaped kids ruining my lucrative career in accounting. But that spinner though...

This is how my wife was on our wedding night.
It's done. Now give me that baby.

  • I saw this the day before school (with kids) started. The title seemed fitting.
  • My goodness, I forgot how sexy all brides are. Damn, miss. Er, Missus. Mrs.? Masseuses? (tldr...Samara Weaving is bananas)
  • Have I ever told you how much I loved The O.C? Oh, I have. Shit. Well, Adam Brody is in this so...achievement unlocked: the presence of Seth Cohen.
  • Andie MacDowell? Holy Hell, it's been too long! I feel like I haven't seen her since Multiplicity. (insert Hi, Steve quote here)
  • The old-timey music was very appreciated...even if at this point, I can't remember when they used it.
  • Screw it, any scene where weapons are distributed to a large group of people is the best scene.
  • Speaking of, I would 900% be the guy that YouTube's How to Use a Crossbow. 
  • Two-and-a-half one thousand...
  • Everyone knows that snitches get stitches...but had you heard that maids get spades? Fine, it was a crossbow...but what I was gonna say...ho's get 'rows? (Unfortunately, I know nothing of her promiscuity, but my point is really that her death was awesome)
  • So, I already mentioned one of my favorite parts, but if I can dare elaborate on it a bit...Grace knocks some kid the f--k out. And he totally deserved it.
  • And finally, I really don't want to get into it...but f--k me was that final ten minutes was amazing! But even better than all the, um, bubbles being burst...was Grace going all Austin Powers on us after it was revealed that Alex was a fembot the whole time. Wait a tick, that means I'm single again! 

You get them instruments, I'll summon the ghost of Robert Palmer.
This Addicted to Love remix is gonna be f--king lit.

  • Does every family have an Aunt Helene (the old lady stuck on perma-bitch)? Just asking...not that my mother in law is the same way. Nope. Frankly, I don't even know why you brought that up.
  • Are all dumbwaiters that well-lit? Seems odd...
  • Remember the 80s? Remember when, in a movie like this, someone (anyone!) got naked for no reason. Ah...those were the days (said some pathetic prick that isn't me).
  • I'm all for some epic moaning...but I tend to lean towards pleasurable, not guttural. 
  • He shot a whole through her hand, that little prick.
  • A goat pit? You rich f--kers really have it all at your mansions, don't you? 
  • I would look you in the eye and say that Marv walking down the stairs barefoot was the worst nail-related injury ever (though wasn't there a scene in A Quiet Place like that?)...but this one here......f--kkkkkkk that was bad. I go Aaaaahhhhhhhhh just thinking about it.
  • Thanks, Justin. You helpful piece of dogshit.
  • Speaking of, how the f--k does Butler Guy catch up so damn fast?
  • The violence is a bit unsettling at times, right? I mean, blow someone's head beans. But bashing it in? Yikes.
  • And finally, I want more, like a sequel...but no. There's no way doing this again makes any damn sense. Unless it was a prequel...but that means no Samara. Which also means no thanks.

You know, as often as I play games with my wife and kids, I don't think I've really ever played any games with my own in-laws.

Well, other than Trouble and Sorry.


  1. I recently got to see this one and boy did I love it! I had so much fun with Ready or Not I want to watch it again.

    1. I'm with you, I'm super pumped to see this one again. Maybe with my inlaws after Thanksgiving dinner?

  2. No, no sequels. This ending was perfect!

    I loved this movie, it was so much fun. I still think my favorite part is her punching that kid in the face, which I sort of feel bad for laughing at so hard.

    1. Agreed!

      You absolutely know that was my favorite part too, and I was laughing so long, I'm sure someone radioed security.

  3. The fuck? They are making a sequel? Freaking Hollywood....

    I loved this movie and I wish it made more money and be more popular because everyone should be Grace for Halloween and the youths will probably all dress like the Joker

    1. You know that they'll sequel anything, those bastards. In a way, as long as Weaving is back...I'm in...but c'mon. There's no way it makes any damn sense.

      F--k it, I'll be Grace and show 'em all.

  4. One of my favorite movies of the year, but I do not want a sequel. It's great just how it is. Also, I never got the appeal of Adam Brody... until I saw this movie. Now it's like... oh yeah. I get it.