Monday, September 7, 2020

I always act weird with myself.

I could be wrong, but I don't think I've changed all that much as I've gotten older. I'm on the verge of turning forty-one, and here I am, still doing the same shit I've been doing forever. Hanging out, playing Nintendo. I'm a nice enough guy, might even make you laugh once or twice. But what I won't ever do? Surprise you.

And I'm okay with that. 

But I could also just be delusional.

(who allows the names to be over the wrong actors??)
Also entirely clueless, are Bill S. Preston, Esq. and 'Ted' Theodore Logan. Back again in Bill & Ted Face the Music, the duo from my youth are anything but dynamic. But they're nice dudes. And apparently, there aren't a lot of those left.

Being that the first flick came out when I was Ted years old, er, ten years old, I was the exact target demographic for the twenty-nine years later sequel. Like me.

Just me.

A movie about two older dudes trying to fulfill the promise of their youth? Uh, yes, thank you. That is definitely my jam. 

Unfortunately, the song is more of a toe-tapper, then full-on banger, as Bill and Ted's latest journey is not what I expected. But it's exactly what it should be. 

Our guys aren't having some out of control adventure this time around (which is what I was hoping for), instead, they're stumbling around their mid-fifties like some mellow older dudes totally would. Turns out Bill and Ted never wrote the song that was to unite the world, and have essentially an hour and half to do what they couldn't in two and a half decades. Pressure's on, dudes. Or is it?
When I first fired up Face the Music, for whatever reason, I was expecting something a lot bigger (and better) than what I got. And honestly, I was disappointed. Borderline crushed. Half of the online jerk-offs were saying it was great (it isn't), while the other half were saying it was the worst movie of the year (it isn't). I was skulking around the middle of that spectrum, where the movie felt decidedly best. (I always tend to really [want to] like things that I just purchased with actual human money)

This scene still makes me laugh. The wedding song was most luminous.
But in a shocking turn of events, and what is an entirely unheard of practice around these parts, I watched it again. And again. And now I absolutely f--king love it. Bill and Ted are such good dudes, that even hanging out with them and not doing all that much is an absolute blast. These guys aren't hipster, self-aware assholes by any stretch. They are just super nice guys who dig music and their families, and haven't exactly moved on from the good ol' days of their youth. Holy shit, that might sound pathetic to some of you. But me? It's absolutely inspirational.

What won't inspire you, or anyone, are the Yays and Boos for Bill & Ted Face the Music. We actually had to work pretty hard to get something to be bummed about, because we're just trying to be excellent to each other. And c'mon, let's be honest. How mad can you be when you get spend time with Keanu Reeves? That's like being mad at a f--king rainbow.

So the whole album is all bass? Why does that sound...tremendous?
  • Holy crap, I almost cried just seeing the Orion logo. I'm young againnnn...
  • It's not quite Strange things are afoot at the Circle K, but Your musical acumen is most impressive is something I'm probably going to work into conversations from here on out.
  • Ahhh, Rufus. Even in hologram form, it's great to see Carlin again.
  • Okay, they are kind of dicks (another great line), but I also really liked 2022 Bill and Ted. They're so...aggressive. And sad. 
  • Bill's wife (Jayma Mays) is so lovely, I almost didn't remind that they recast the princesses.
  • I'm not even really sure who Kid Cudi is, but I'm entirely positive that I'm here for his vast knowledge of time travel.
  • There's something magical about Winter and Reeves together, and to see them back after all these years is beyond rad. At first, I was kind of bummed by the the way they spoke (still), but it's also the absolute best shit ever. They're so...sweet.
  • And finally, and this may be a bit of a shocker, the absolute best character in this movie is this weird murderbot named Dennis Caleb McCoy. I don't know what he looked like in the script, but Anthony Carrigan creates something so bonkers, he steals every single scene he's in. And the f--king dude is always at arm's length from Keanu Reeves, you know? I rarely laugh out loud, but every time I revisit any bits with Dennis, I pretty much end up crying he's that perfectly ridiculous.
I actually told my wife no way that's Samara Weaving. 
(okay, she doesn't know the names of anything, so it was more
no way that's the girl from that movie where they play Hide and Seek)
  • So the girls (pictured here) have to help their dads, which is actually pretty rad. The thing is? They go back in time to form a mega band (basically starring in a mini-version of the first flick)...and they get some fairly random people. Fine, they peeps they get are decent...but holy shit this could have been wild. (Cobain, Morrison, Prince, Bowie, etc)
  • Okay, when are we gonna just give Dave Grohl and actual part in a movie? Dude always gets some random cameo...
  • Whoa. The 2030 versions of  Bill & Ted were incredible. I wouldn't have been too mad with a little more time with these behemoths.
  • And finally, you could kind of feel the pressure with the inevitable song that unites the world. It's, uh, not that good. I mean, it gets by on a technicality, but I was hoping for something...better.
Though I'm fairly comfortable telling you that I really haven't changed in like, two decades, it's pretty ridiculous that I totally changed my mind on this flick mid effing review. It's almost like everything that I've written has been utterly pointless.

No surprise there.


  1. Oooh I am so curious to finally see this one. Great review!

    1. Thank you! I hope you dig it as much as I did, but uh...won't be surprised if you don't.

  2. Really want to read this but have to watch the entire trilogy before I do. I think I missed the Bill and Ted craze completely here in Estonia back in the... day. God, I'm old. When did we get so old!?

    1. I got old A LONG time ago, not sure about you.

      I loved the first two as a (rather) young man, and this one took some time to grow on me, but after a couple of watches, I find it to be super charming.

      As for you who is a bit...late to the game, not sure how much you'll dig it. I mean...outside of Keanu, who is basically a national treasure.