Thursday, December 31, 2020

I'll always love you Diana, no matter where I am.

In an effort to be courteous, let's go ahead and mark this year down as less than favorable

However, in the infinite darkness/shit sandwich that was 2020, there were certainly some slivers of light/morsels of ham. In exchange for going to the movies, family gatherings, shaking hands, traveling, events, successfully educating children (that's a stretch, sure), we got...infinite time at home with our families. And honestly, in the decades preceding the pandemic, that would have been something I would have fervently wished for. But, as the saying goes...

Be careful what you wish for, you dumb son of a bitch.

Probably the dopest poster ever.
Oh, Wonder Woman 1984, how I wished I loved you so. When early word dropped of your enormous girth, er, runtime, I couldn't have been happier. One hundred and fifty-one consecutive minutes with Gal Gadot, you say? Yes, please. And when it was announced that for some horrible reason the two-hundred million dollar film would premier in my effing living room, our local coroner was going to have to bubble in exploding boner as my cause of death. This was all too good be to true, right?

Yeah. Like, for sure.

Okay, as far as I can tell, this is what WW84 is about: Diana has been chilling in the 80s, kicking ass in the food court, during breaks from writing hearts around the name Steve in her dream journal. But in a routine (and impressively poorly-planned) local jewelry store heist, some small-time rascals have unearthed some sort of dream stone. Uh huh, a magical rock. That was in a mall. Fine, whatever, not great mind you, but Diana's simultaneously kicking ass and gliding around Waldenbooks like an even sexier Wayne Gretzky. The news still good, the soundtrack still great.

(spoilers to follow)

Anyhow, this rock lands on the desk of Barbara, a sheepish government gemologist who, because she has glasses and an oversized sweater, nobody likes in the least. She works in a f--king museum, that up until her recent hire, only employed high-school quarterbacks and college cheerleaders apparently. Oh, and Coffee Guy, but I suppose he's a dick, too. Regardless, Babs gets her hands on the rock (lower case, because this is a family film), befriends a literal goddess in Diana and hastily assumes the damn thing is a fugazi. But shocking no one, including Grogu's dad, it turns out the dream rock is quite real. And, if you're lucky enough to be holding it, the rock can, get this, summon the tiniest bit of wind seemingly out of nowhere. Imagine the power!

Oh, and it also grants wishes.

When you realize this suit isn't made out of Beskar...

While this is all fine and good, I suppose, each wish ends up like The Monkey's Paw, and everything inadvertently goes tits up. Yeah, you get whatever it is that you wanted, but there's some built-in downside in the process (could you say I wish for my wish to not secretly suck?). Diana asked for that dreamy pilot Steve Trevor to return from the dead, which makes sense, but it inexplicably cost her her powers (slowly, no less)...which I guess is the price she paid (not the fact that Steve is sort of just some f--king dude who looks like he'd be best friends with Biff Tannen). I assume Coffee Guy's dick fell off for medium dark roast, but that gem is probably in the Snyder cut, too.

Look, I love (loooove) Gal Gadot, and think she slays as Wonder Women in all the DCEU flicks, and stand by the first one as legit classic, but for whatever reason, I didn't really feel this one all that much. Well, no, actually I was feeling this one, pretty much every damn minute of it, and that might have been the problem. When the action gets going, it's tremendous, but there is a lot of real-world political drama that for me, felt inconsequential and ridiculous. Wiig and Pascal are totally game, and I enjoyed what they did (more so Wiig, frankly), but Pine is arguably the best thing going here. Steve and his fanny pack are trying to make the best of an increasingly bizarre situation, and when in doubt, he pretty much just punches something as hard as he can (which should probably be how I roll in 2021).

Pretty sure my friend took his school picture in that shirt...the lucky bastard.

Speaking of swinging (and missing) wildly, here are the Yays and Boos for Patty Jenkins' second Wonder Woman flick. Fingers crossed I can see that f--ker in an actual movie theater (which would have helped, I'm convinced).

Suck on that shit, Paul Blart.
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
  • Even if was entirely too long for what we ultimately gleaned from it, I was (initially) all for that extended episode of Amazon Ninja Warrior.
  • Don't know if Victoria's Secret was a thing in 80s mall (f--k, yeah!), but Diana was soaring through that shit like an absolute angel.
  • What does it say about me, when Barbara wishes to be like Diana, all I could think was SAAAAAME.
  • Early Max Lord has Pedro Pascal leaning so hard into the goofiness, it was totally infectious. Like, how can you not be having as much fun as this dude?
  • Gal's hair is amazing. Incredible. Magical? Whatever it is, I don't want to get into it too much currently, because that would be creepy. Besides, I'd probably crash this old van I'm slowly driving straight into the playground I'm circling. 
  • Remember gatherings? Remember pretty people looking amazing at them? Diana does. And Wiig does, too. Me-ow, ladies.
  • It's just a trashcan. Steve figuring out the 80s might have been worth the price of admission alone. I loved his reaction to an escalator (of all things). 
  • Speaking of Steve, I like your pants very much might have been my favorite line (especially the way it's delivered).
  • It was in the preview, sure, but I'm not sure there's anything more romantic/magical/unsafe as flying through a fireworks display. Absolutely enchanting.
  • Like I said, the action is incredible, and that effing chase scene with the big trucks in the desert was beyond stellar. 
  • Smaller scale, but still rad as Hell, was there anything cooler than Diana spinning her lasso while Steve's housing dude's with a serving tray? No. No there is not. (oh shit, and a million bonus points for Steve attempting to take on Barbara and failing so hard).
  • Yo, that goodbye was intense. Like, am I really about to get emotional here? 
  • Okay...the golden armor was insane. Perfectly realized, that costume (seems like the wrong word) was so incredibly badass, I'd be willing to go blind just staring into it. So cool.
  • And finally, even if it didn't do it for me the way that I wanted it to, it was still pretty f--king great to get such a big movie delivered to my house on Christmas Day. I would have set this place ablaze just for the chance to see it in a theater for, sure, but this event film was the ultimate Christmas present. Especially when you remember...it's the thought that counts.
Off-hours Target Lady is f--king force to be reckoned with.

Boooooooooooooooooo!
  • Wait, you think hanging a kid over a railing might get you out this? Really?
  • Of all the imaginary things you're asking me to believe in, the fact that a taxi stops for someone other than Diana might be where I draw the line.
  • I know we don't want everything spelled out for us, but Diana's wish for Steve's is a bit too...subtle?
  • Sorry, I have to deduct points for any film that makes me long for the DC Metro. Fine, it's not that bad, but I was pretty much running my hand down the screen like Liv Tyler in Armageddon, No, Dad, nooo...
  • What if Max had actually turned into the rock? Literally. Just saying, because, uh...that took a lot of inferencing on the stone's bit to make that all work out, you know?
  • Why would you even have him lay on you? My seven year-old daughter, bewildered at Diana and Steve in bed together. Oooh, Violet...about that...
  • And speaking of Steve, er, That Guy, what the f--k sorcery is this? Diana wants Steve back, and that's fine (we all do), but he has to come back in...in...inside of another man? Huh? And everybody else sees Not Steve? What's the criteria for this body-snatching, exactly? Could it have been an older man? A little kid? A seagull? It's all very confusing and a touch unsettling, frankly.
  • I told you, the chase is great, but could someone get those damn kids out of the effing road, please? (oh, and by the way, Diana would have totally still killed those lucky punks with her 900 mph barrel roll down the highway...just saying [and what a way to have gone]).
  • We've located a man who has unbelievably clutch information. Let's go see him in the morning. 
  • Does Coffee Guy have to renounce, too?
  • Wow, Ronnie, that was your wish? (and that's your face???)
  • I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact then when everyone gets a wish the whole planet goes to absolute Hell. None of you asswipes could have asked for good vibes or world peace? 
  • Friends, the flying bit? *deep breath* That was...rough. To put it mildly.
  • That little cameo happens at the end, and it's awesome, and I'm like, oh, shit - it's Linda Blair. (because I'm a f--king moron, you see)
  • As excruciatingly long as this film felt at times, did it also take place over like twelve hours? Was 80s time a lot slower (and also, enough of the f--king 80s already),
  • And finally, even though I'm (unsurprisingly) all over the place on this one, I will say, as a full-on Dad in perpetual Dad-mode these days, I hate watching movies at home. On paper, a big-budget release in the comfort of my house sounds great, but in execution? Anything but. I think we started and stopped it three or four times because someone was sleeping, vacuuming, or maybe even both. Please 2021, if the only thing you can muster is the safe re-opening of cinemas, I will love you forever. Even if you come back as some weird older dude who's kind of a dork.
As 2020 finally ends (just kidding, I'm finishing this post on the afternoon of January 2nd), hopefully we can all have it a bit better upcoming year. I'd wish you a happiest 2021, but we all know how wishes can unexpectedly go awry, so instead I'll say this: Life is good.


But it can be better.

8 comments:

  1. After this review, I'm even more curious to see the film! 😅

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    1. I hope you have as much fun as ... others... did with it. Ah, Hell, I had fun, but it's kinda silly (which may be the point?). Okay, I have no idea what I'm talking about, but thanks for the comment!

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  2. Happy New Year! Whilst I'm gutted this didn't live up to your expectations I'm thrilled as always to read your review. Your captions made me laugh out loud.
    And now I'm thinking about what if Steve came back into some different bodies...I'm getting Jumanji vibes...and now I'm thinking about Danny Devito. So thanks for that!

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    1. Holy crap...I can't believe it's the frickin' 12th, but Happy New Year to you, too, Allie. Hopefully things are better across the pond, as it's a total shit show in the States. I'd say 'currently' but I think we're just gonna roll that way for the rest of time.

      As for this flick, I didn't like it as much I thought I would, but that's okay, because I'm pretty sure I don't like anything as much as I used to!! I'm such a grump, I don't know what the Hell my problem is!

      Yeah, you know, as much as that guy kind of creeped me out, things could have been WAAAAAY worse. I guess the stone was looking out for Diana...a little bit.

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  3. This really felt like the first draft of the script but I thought it was really charming and delightful and recreated the feel of the 80s movies perfectly, the fireworks scene was beyond lovely

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    1. Total first draft energy, for sure.

      You know, I didn't really consider the whole 80s movie-vibe, even though the trailer seemed to suggest it. I think if I watched it again, I might like it more (with the 80s movie homage/vibe top of mind), but Diana might just be too serious for silly fun, you know? Wiig and Pine (and PP) are having a good time, but Diana is not. She's all business.

      The fireworks scene......ahhhhhhhhhh....so good.

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  4. "Anyhow, this rock lands on the desk of Barbara, a sheepish government gemologist who, because she has glasses and an oversized sweater, nobody likes in the least.W Don't forget she is clumsy wearing heels.... perfect reason for mocking apparently. But yeah, it's a mess. Steve is the best but this was a mess.

    Happy New Year too! :)

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    1. She was needlessly shunned, right? Like, all these other people are way better than her? I'm not feeling it.

      Steve WAS THE BEST. I effing love Pine so much, that handsome bastard.

      Happy New Yearrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (even though it's pretty much February when I'm typing this!)

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