In & Out [post]: Morbius

We shouldn't be here when it gets dark. 

Title: Morbius Rating: PG-13 Runtime: 104 mins

With: Matthew, 12        Did I fall asleep? Probably

Year this should have been released: 1996

What's it about? Did you see the second Venom flick? It's that. Again. With different CGI creatures throttling each other endlessly. Basically, there's something kinda bad (symbiote/needing to drink fresh blood) in a guy that's mostly good (Eddie Brock/the guy from My So Called Life). Ultimately, he wants to use his powers to help protect the less fortunate, but sometimes things go awry (people are swallowed/people are sucked). Oh, and there's this other guy with the power, who is an out-of-control dick (Cletus the murderous a-hole/a guy who reminds me of Eddie Redmayne in Jupiter Ascending).

What works: Even if he is remotely off-putting for a variety of reasons (none of which I can really put a finger on), Leto at least seems moderately interested in bringing the half-dead Dr. Morbius to life. I thought I would hate Nerd Blade from the jump, but it turns out his mission is noble and his assistant is hot....so, in that regard? *awkward thumbs up*

What doesn't: The script has to be missing pages, as certain things happen for no apparent reason, and even when they do manage to make sense, it's fairly blood-draining to muster up the effort to give a shit. I'm not saying I'm looking for certain elements to be more fleshed out, but I've got questions (that I don't need answers to) about some of the more absurd elements here... with the ending being the gold medal winner in the 2022 WTF Olympics.

Yays: It's hard out there even for a prize-winning, doctor, isn't it? Probably no other way you can explain that dope-ass Casio watch, huh? I had to laugh at Morbius and and his boy shuffling down the most crowded street in the history of time. You want to know something weird about me? I love it when people see something so vile they immediately throw up. And when it's actual footage of Morbius being Morbius? *chef's kiss* Also unintentionally hilarious? When the good doctor drinks the blood like an absolute crackhead. And the last thing...that was a pretty sweet vampire-on-vampire subway brawl, was it not? Sure it didn't crack the top spot in people getting their ass kicked in a subway station this month (that scene in The Batman was great), but nothing wrong with the silver.

Boos: Are we done casting Tyrese in stuff, yet? He's not the worst or anything (he just sucks a fair amount), and I honestly don't know what it is about him, but when this guy shows up and I feel like all of a sudden I've made it a Blockbuster night. Still not sure how he got to the top of the roof so quickly. Speaking of sub-par, who the Hell is running this Home for Sickly Children? We've got a street full of tiny wise-guys and their talking all kinds of shit about potentially dying kids? The f--k is this? If ever there was a place where we need an old Italian grandmother just whacking the f--k out of kids with a broom this is it. And I don't care how many baguettes the main guy drops breaking up a fight, it ain't enough. Is this the time where I complain about poorly-lit hospitals again? Yes. Yes it is. Though I guess it makes sense when we have to budget A TWENTY-FIVE FOOT TALL TEMPERED GLASS BATCAVE. And finally, what the Hell was with that big villain reveal at the end? Did you-know-who draw the short straw? Because that shit makes no sense at all. You can't really have a villain team-up when the one guy isn't really bad...and has no idea who the f--k Peter Parker even is.

Does the world need more Morbius? It does not. But if they had gone full R and even showed the audience the slightest hint of respect, we might have had something here. If anything, though, the new Blade movie just got better.