Tuesday, May 1, 2012

This is the first time in my life I've identified with a tire.

I needed you tonight. Really, I did. Wherever you are, hell, whoever you are, if you're reading these words - I needed you. I just watched something that I shouldn't have seen by myself. Not at all. I needed someone with me. Uh, aren't you married? Well, yes, and thank God she didn't join me on this one. The best case scenario would have been immediate divorce. Worst case? We'd watch the flick again.

Someone's tricked the audience!
Okay, I didn't really hate Rubber as much as I'm letting on, but it's the biggest pile of what the f--k? ever put to film. Honestly, I've seen some random shit in my days, but this one might just set some kind of record.

The story, though I prefer the term dare, is about a psychotic tire (stay with me) drifting through the desert and destroying everything in its path. Now you might assume that this tire is running over bitches left and right, um, right? Wrong. It actually uses some kind of mind powers to make heads explode. Huh? That doesn't make any sense. If an actual logical thought crosses your mind while reading this review, you're disqualified from enjoying this flick. Keep it moving, Einstein.

Anyway, the reason I needed you with me so badly, isn't just your good looks and luxurious hair. No, I needed you because there were at least ninety-eight times that I would have looked you dead in the eyes and said either a) did that just happen? or b) what the f--k is going on? I might have even went with c) Which one of us is imaging this from our deathbed?

You know what? There's some really clever stuff in this movie - really clever. Sure, you might not last long enough to get there, but still. Or if you do make it, you might be so angry/confused/high that when you get to it you couldn't give a damn if you wanted to. But I did, and I actually laughed a couple of times. Mostly, it's the fourth wall stuff that cracked me up, but some of the pure randomness got me, too. They repeatedly make the point to say that things happen in movies (and life) for no reason, but I'm sure that everything on screen is symbolic of something. That, or the entire film is just the biggest f--k you to every film professor and movie-snob walking the planet. Well, see, the reason the tire enjoys watching aerobic workout videos actually represents man's need to...when it's really just a case of Dude, a tire is watching TV! Awesome. I started a quest for higher truth, but gave up when the tire stopped to drink out of a puddle.



So, I really don't have any Yays or Boos for Rubber. The whole thing is rather baffling. So, let's just find twelve things that happened. Yeah, let's go with occurrences of, um, things. Okay? There's a heavy dose of spoilage up ahead. If you're actually going to crank this one up, best to just go in clueless. Hell, that's how I left it, actually.

12 Things That Happened During Rubber
  1. The opening scene with the sheriff is pretty much all you need to know. He gets out of a trunk, takes a glass of water from the driver and speaks directly to you. He pours out the water and returns to the trunk. And we're off!
  2. The tire kills everything it comes across. Everything. Water Bottle? Dead. Scorpion? Dead. Hundreds of people? Dead.
  3. There's an audience. They watch the movie with us (as us?), only they get binoculars. And food. But best to bring your own snacks...
  4. The tire hates animals. All of them.
  5. A girl gets naked. She's showering in a beat up old motel and she decides it's a solid plan to leave the door open. I'm down, but so is the tire.
  6. There's a bit with a turkey. It's alive, it's cooked. It kills everyone. I don't think I can handle six more...
  7. (Deep breath) The maid is pissed because they're are tire tracks on the bed. This is the least of her worries. I mean, who's going to clean up her exploded head?
  8. Okay, the sheriff rules. There's a scene where he takes a tire off a car and puts it in front of his staff. This is what our killer looks like. Questions?
  9. I had a feeling a tire fire was going to show up. Let's just say the next three days aren't pretty. (I wish they'd have showed us this!).
  10. Somebody puts crow on a pizza. Never thought I'd type that sentence.
  11. The tire has an interesting moment of self-reflection. I'm serious.
  12. Hey wait, it's not the end, he's been reincarnated as a tricycle! 
 BOTTOM LINE: Good? Not sure. Bad? Not quite. Strange? Um, yeah. Definitely strange

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