Monday, April 30, 2012

How many more like you are there?

Surprisingly, I've never been punched in the face. Nope. I've also never jumped from an overpass onto a moving trailer. And I really, really want to. They just don't happen to be passing by when I need them. Oh, and I've also never lived my life as an deep-cover Russian super-agent sent to infiltrate the highest agencies of the U.S government, either. Well, at least not yet. Who knows what trigger word will send me into a sexy rage of ass kicking, double-crossing and glaring. Lots of glaring.

2010's Salt took me over a week to watch. That might be all you need to hear, honestly. Whether it was the NHL playoffs (damn Bruins couldn't pull it out), school work (year's almost over), or my son's new found love of all things muppet (we've watched the newest film at least seven times this week), Salt just wasn't making the cut. I like a good action flick and  I'm pretty sure I love Angelina Jolie, but something didn't quite work for me. Oh yeah, I remember. The whole thing is f--king ridiculous. That's what it was.

Look, I could watch Angelina Jolie do just about anything. And yes, I saw Tomb Raider theatrically (I think it was that shot of her boobs in the trailer). But maybe this Sexy Action Lady thing is getting stale. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to buy into a skinny mother of six just destroying dudes left and right. It might sound sexist, but at least it seems like a lot of the male action guys could genuinely devastate someone. Jolie? Not so much. If you want to see a woman believably kick all kinds of ass, check out Haywire [review]. Gina Caron is the truth.

I want to attend the CIA training class that teaches this.
Jolie's hijinks aren't alone, as the story is also pretty absurd. Neither are utter deal breakers, though. The plot gets a bit convoluted, as most spy flicks do, but moves quickly enough that you won't have too much time to question the madness. Unless you take my approach, starting and stopping it multiple times, then you'll have days to think it over. That won't help matters. That said, I was genuinely surprised by a few twists, but that's more to do with me being essentially clueless sometimes/always.

Well, let's break this one down. How about we get at the Yays and Boos, this-was-supposed-to-be-Tom-Cruise style, shall we?

These guys almost always play the same characters.
  • I like how they used the Lee Harvey Oswald idea of planting Russians into America. I've got my fingers crossed I'm a plant, too.
  • Okay, this is a kind of a boo, but Jolie using her panties to cover a security camera? Was that in the script when Salt was a guy? Nooooo.
  • She's 'from' Harrisburg. She likes the McDonald's on Front St. Of all places...
  • Salt can descend a shaft like a champ. An elevator shaft, you pervert. C'mon guys, keep it classy. This is Two Dollar Cinema. Not some poorly-written movie site where it's all boobs and boner jokes.
She basically plays the opposite of Frogger. Oh, and she's good.
  • The opening torture scene. Angelina has her underwear on. What? I'm a North Korean a-hole and I've been assigned to torture a hot CIA agent? Pretty sure I'm stripping her down. You! Take off her clothes. Now! Yes sir! But, leave her underwear, soldier. Um, Sir?
  • Sealing off the building. Why do the doors always close just as the escapee is approaching them? It would probably be more effective if all the doors locked and closed at the same time. Anybody with me?
  • Her German husband? Dude's a spider hunter. I wish I made that up. German. Spider. Hunter.
  • Why would you ever jump off a wall to punch someone in the face? Wait, I know this one. Because it looks cool.
  • Don't taze me bro! FACT: Salt pretty much drives a car by um, tazing, the actual driver.
  • For a large portion of the finale, Salt skulks around the top secret presidential panic room dressed as k.d Lang. I came for the sexy Jolie, damn it! Not a sexier version of my little brother.
  • Okay, this might be a Yay actually, but this movie features one of the best punches to the face ever. Why's that? Simple math, holmes. It comes out of nowhere + defenseless woman + it doesn't bother her in the least = hysterical!
  • The ending. Awful. No wait, terrible. I'm going with terrible.
Pointless Anecdote of the Day: When I was in high school we used to eat at this weird Asian deli. There were a lot of flies in this place (but the chicken ruled). One day, this kid I'm eating with, catches a fly and drowns it in a cup of water Well, I thought he did. He brought it back to life right in front of me. How did he do this? He used one simple ingredient. I'll let you guess.


  1. Great and very amusing review! I enjoyed the movie but I too find Angie to be too skinny for convincing action heroine.

  2. Oh my goodness this was sooo long ago that you commented! I feel like we're old friends at this point. Apparently, I was too busy or just a dick and I didn't feel the need to respond.

    Anyway, yes, I agree. This was a great review.

    Just kidding, I agree that Angie is waaaaaaay too skinny to be trucking dudes like she does. I mean, really?