Tuesday, November 13, 2012

That's an awful lot of chocolate for one man, Fred.

At my high school, there was an end-of-the-year tradition where the graduating class would dig up a section of the sidewalk and bury a time capsule beneath it. And by time capsule, obviously I mean Tupperware container. Anyway, I remember the things to be preserved were of varying levels of quality. Photos, notes and mixtapes (yes, I said tapes, f--k you, I'm old) were acceptable enough, though sometimes things would go awry. I vividly remember a couple of guys putting in large amounts of their artwork. And by artwork, obviously I mean countless drawings of dicks.

If there was ever an ultimate movie time capsule, I think 1974's Foxy Brown deserves a spot. And like the aforementioned drawings, it perfectly captures the goofy absurdity of the time it was created. Those graduating high school seniors drew and colored hundreds of shafts (and balls). These filmmakers crafted a film filled with badass ladies, kung-fu and dialogue often bolstered with liberal use of the word motherf--ker. Oh, and both featured their fair share of titties. The way I see it, upon an unearthing years later, each of these endeavors will charm whoever finds them, no matter how crude they are.

Pam Grier is a force on the screen for a number of reasons. First, she's gigantic. Tall, thick and incredibly buxom, she is oddly alluring. But more than her appearance, is my  second reason, her presence. For all the previously mentioned reasons, she commands your attention and can (and will) kick the shit out of you if she doesn't get it. If you don't believe me, check out the scene in the, um, Female Trucker Cantina. It's magic.

Yep. Pretty sure she's looking at the camera.
For me, the story is inconsequential and takes a backseat to just watching Pam do her thing as Foxy. Imagine a song with a great beat and chorus, but whose lyrics are bland and serviceable, at best. But, for those interested, it goes something like this. Foxy and her man, an informant for the police department, have finally decided to move on with their lives and escape the trappings of their increasingly violent and shitty neighborhood. Enter Link, Foxy's mess-of-a brother, who owes some unsavory jerks big bucks for gambling debts. Link's always looking to make a buck, and figures that selling out his sister's man is a quick way to do so. You can imagine what happens next to said boyfriend. You can also imagine what Foxy does as a result.

If you can't tell, I really enjoyed this one. It was so badass, I almost couldn't handle it. I found myself actually laughing out loud and saying stuff like oh, you done f--ked up now. And while I was alone and sober, I would wholeheartedly recommend gathering some friends and drinks and watching the madness unfold. I mean, if you take a sip every time someone slaps someone's boner...well, fine. You'll have one sip - but still.

Okay, all this dick-slapping seems like the perfect place for the Yays and Boos. Feel free to smack them around. It's the only way to get them to talk.

  • This has my vote for best intro sequence ever. It solves the thought-to-be-impossible math problem of James Bond + Soul Train = X. Another way of writing this equation? Boobs + Awkward Karate Demonstration = Win For Mankind.
  • The clothes are frickin' great. Skinny jeans and snapbacks? Lame throwback. This is where we need to be.
  • People in the hospital don't want flowers. Foxy offers the perfect get-well-soon gift.
  • I really dug the neighborhood watch-type dudes. These guys were the truth.
  • There's a shot of a parking meter with time expired clearly displayed. Then, a dude gets killed. Subtle.
  • Foxy can handle a piece. I'm talking guns, perv. Girl's this close to bending a bullet.
  • Additionally, she's pretty quick to join the Ho-Train. I mean, you'd think it would be a bit harder to join a major prostitution ring than to just show up with your big tits hanging out. Wait. I should delete that.
  • Which leads us to the best party ever. Topless chicks. Old white guys. 70's/contemporary pornography on the big screen. And, and, a Guinness record of bad legal puns. All rise!
  • I know I've already mentioned it, but the lesbian bar battle is wondrous. It starts out with a simple bar stool attack, but I'm pretty sure at least a bitch or two died. Like, maybe for real.
  • Which leads us to the best alley chase scene ever. You want to slow the bad guys down (who totally show up in the Griswold's Wagon Queen Family Truckster)? Foxy's got you covered. You can't chase us, whitey. Not with bottles on the ground. And crates. Crates are a real bitch to step over. As is Random Hobo Who Joins The Fray.
  • For a long time, you don't think you're going to see the girls unencumbered. Fear not, friends. Though they are under duress, sort of.
  • Sid Haig! Dude shows up as a funky, pimp-ass pilot. Or as he puts it, airplane driver.
  • Ooooh. Guess what? When you get run over by a plane, your head falls off. Sucks, right?
  • Quiz time. What's the ultimate revenge on the bitch that ruined your life? Kill her. Wrong. We we're looking for bring her a jar filled with the severed dick of her man servant. Close, though.
  • The main bad guy is the most plain woman ever. She looks like she should be amazed at how fast Mr. Clean made her kitchen look brand new! Even more obscure? She looks like the adult version of Small Wonder. Promise.
  • Oh, man. Whore Friend. She is quite possibly the worst actress alive. Pretty sure she wasn't acting high off her ass.
  • The term meat shortage. That's just not cool.
  • Ugh. Implied Rape Scene is awful. The guy is disgusting and horrible. He looks like every man you've ever seen shot out of a cannon. Don't worry. He gets his.
  • And finally, this movie took 17 days to film. Imagine if they'd completed that third week. This flick would be looking down at Titanic. Easily.
Look at us. We made it to the end. I owe you something for hanging in there. Leave your address in the comments section. I have a drawing I'd like to send you.


  1. I never saw this one but I loved Pam in Jackie Brown and The L Word, she seems like such a fierce and great lady.

    PS: I wish you watched American Horror Story and reviewed each episode. You would do WONDERS in Yeys and Boos section :)

    1. Thanks for that! Maybe I'll watch one and see what kind of madness I can cook up.

      As for Pam Grier, this may be a bad call, but you really should see this. It's 900% absurd and basically terrible, but it's also just so f--king awesome, too. You watch it and you love Tarantino even more for bringing her back to the big screen. I have so much more appreciation for her legacy, as random as that is to say.

  2. Yeah, I've never watched this before... I'm fully aware of it and ashamed that I never got around to watching it. I guess I'll live vicariously through you.

    The description "Tall, thick and incredibly buxom" should be nominated for something. I don't know what. Do they have a Lammy for that?

    1. Pretty sure I was overjoyed with this one because I watched it alone, in my house, and during the day. That is the Holy Trinity of impossible movie watching in a house that has a three year old in it.

      I probably should have done something more productive (ie, take a nap), but I decided to crank this one up. I did start to get nervous that my mother-in-law would walk in during one of the more jiggly scenes, but I rolled the dice on that one.

      As for that proposed Lammy? I won't hold my breath. I think I'm a lock for the Biggest Shit Show award. Assuming that exists.

  3. Been there. I know, you start watching a movie and then you feel guilty because there's a stack of dirty dishes.... Ahhhhh, they can wait.

    Yeah, I'll probably be nominated in that category myself. Fingers crossed!