Sunday, July 28, 2013

People like you don't have friends.


That's what it said on the screen. Years ago, I had attempted to withdraw twenty bucks from my Webster Bank account so I could get food on my lunch break, but apparently I didn't have any money. Shit, no money would have been a goal at that point. I owed bitches. Lots of them. Worse? I worked at f--king Webster Bank. That's some bullshit.

Much like how some ratf--k piece of garbage went into my bank account too often, I went to the Melissa McCarthy well more than I should have, too. To be fair, I only overdid it by one. I didn't take every dime some poor bastard had rendering him totally f--ked for a week while they investigated the alleged wrongdoings. I just Redboxed a movie. A not-very-good one.

After laughing my ass off throughout much of The Heat [review], I had high hopes for Identity Thief. Sure, that sounds pretty frickin' ridiculous now, I get that. But as the Universal logo spun around that globe, me and my lady friend were looking forward to a good time. Keeping with the trend of this post however, it would appear our fun would be crushed by some nameless, invisible force miles away from my current location.

Despite a slew of talented, likable people involved, Identity Thief feels like it's missing something. And that might be putting it mildly. There are a few laughs, some so-so action, and a somewhat inspired setup, but it doesn't amount to much and never really comes together. The reason? As unfair as it may be, is likely McCarthy. Not so much her personally, but her character Diana. This lady might be the most unlikable bitch ever put to screen that we're supposed to like.

Not that it'd surprise you looking at that poster, but you're going to have to swallow a big bite of f--k it if you plan on enjoying this one. The identity theft itself is clever and all-too believable, but the rest of the movie resides in a reality reserved for bad sitcoms and below average movies. Sandy (the always enjoyable Bateman), an affable family man, is about to lose his job in finance when it comes to light that he's been spending money he doesn't have. The fact that these shopping sprees all occur in a state he's never been to does little to pacify his boss or the cops. His brilliant plan? He's going to go get the person ruining his good name (and good credit) and escort them back to Denver, proving his innocence. This plan barely convinces anyone in the film let alone anyone watching it. From there, it basically becomes an average road-trip movie, saved only by how much you enjoy the two leads.

Clearly, the plot is secondary to the jokes and the naughty bits. Much like my own plot summaries, come to think about it. So, let's give the good people (or should I say person) what they want - and go ahead and get right into the Yays and Boos before someone gets punched in the throat.

It doesn't even have a first name. It just says McLovin.
  • Even if none of their roles are that memorable, we've got a pretty solid supporting cast - at least on paper. Notables include Jon Favreau (playing a huge asshole), Amanda Peet (the wife), John Cho (the boss), Morris Chestnut (a terrible cop), Cam from Modern Family (not sure), and the T-1000 (bounty hunter). Formidable.
  • Look, seeing anyone go down is pretty funny. But seeing, um, a bigger person, hit the deck is hysterical (Chris Farley made a career out of it). I almost spit up my drink when McCarthy gets devastated by a panini press.
  • McCarthy can really go off the rails at times, to mixed results. Her bit about her husband's shredded junk cracked up my wife. I don't see any humor in that subject at all, however. That shit ain't right.
  • You're beard smells like sandwiches. 
  • Even though it was like, extra ridiculous, I did kind of laugh at that snake scene in the woods.
  • And finally, both of us got a good laugh when her real name was revealed at the end. considering we're two people struggling to come up with a solid girl's name, her reaction to finding out her own was priceless. That's a terrible f--king name.

I've always loved how photos appear to be from weeks ago.
  • On the Redbox disc, it asks whether you want to watch the theatrical cut, or the extended. I figure f--k it, let's go extended. It then says we're denied and that we should purchase the retail copy of the movie. Thanks for giving me the chance to feel like an asshole, Universal. Appreciate it.
  • Fine. It made sense. But the fact that this becomes a road trip movie because the airport would never let two people with the same name board a flight together was lame. I'm thinking...maybe she makes another fake ID, perhaps?
  • There's this stupid sub-plot involving T.I. and some sexy Spanish chick as bounty hunters working for some dude in prison that I'm convinced not one person on this planet gives a f--k about.
  • Maybe I'm misremembering, but I'm pretty sure we get to see McCarthy visit her own Bermuda Triangle. Why was this in the movie? Was it supposed to be funny? It wasn't. Hold on. Why would anyone think watching some chick diddle herself would elicit laughter? If you're answer is the same as mine....that's not cool, right?
  • And finally, the character of Diana. Eventually, I guess, we end up rooting for her...even if just a little bit. But it seems like no matter what happens, she always says or does something soon after where we're forced to think f--k this bitch. This is a comedy. Make her rotten. Make her redeem herself. Done. Stop f--king around.
While this movie had a few laughs, actual identity theft is no joke. The shit-faced c--kmasters who stole every dime I had totally f--ked me. For about two weeks, I didn't have any money. F--king zero. These bitches were out dropping $600 bucks on shitty groceries, getting their shitty car new tires, buying $500 worth of shitty clothes, and another $400 in shitty gas. Meanwhile, the bank takes their sweet time investigating all the fraudulent charges, while I sat their penniless and unable to pay any of my own bills. Or fill my gas tank. Or, buy my own groceries. Luckily, I had my girlfriend to fall back on.

Relax, I paid her back. Not only the cash, but she got a new identity, too.

I gave her my last name.


  1. Good review M. It was not a bit of being humorous. However, I will say maybe I chuckled maybe once or twice and liked to see what McCarthy could do, as a comedienne and dramatic actress.

  2. Dan, it was just so uneven. Was it a dramedy? Cause that's not what I signed up for.

    Thanks for the comment.

  3. It's a shame this movie was so uneven, and overall underwhelming. My teens and I really dug Horrible Bosses. It's one of our go-to movies when we all want a laugh.

    1. Leaving the theater, I thought Horrible Bosses was completely hysterical. Upon watching it again, it wasn't as funny, but still a very good comedy (Charlie Day is soooo funny).

      To your point, with that pedigree, I was convinced this would be better. Combine that with the fact that I was coming off McCarthy gold with The Heat...and you get crushing disappointment.

      Oh well.

  4. Yeah, this wasn't very good. I followed it up with Movie 43, so in comparison this was like fucking Casablanca.

    1. There is no way Movie 43 is that bad.


    2. I heard it was. I saw a picture of Hugh Jackman with fake balls hanging from his chin. I have a theory all of those actors were drugged.

      Anyways, I've read horrid reviews of this one so I think my love for McCarthy won't be enough to enjoy it, though I will see new Hangover for her, hopefully it won't be completely awful.

    3. Balls from his chin? Hmm. Sounds like some solid family entertainment.

      Those reviews were probably spot on, as the further I get from this one, the more I want to punch everyone involved.

      I had NO idea she was in a Hangover movie. Probably a rental then.

    4. Yeah I think she plays a love interest for Galifanakis's character, I read that this plot is the only good thing about the film :)

  5. I finally saw it few weeks back and decided to revisit your review, I think I actually liked it a bit more than you did, that restaurant scene with McCarthy was really so touching. But as a comedy it ain't got nothing on Spy or Heat

    1. Can I tell you that I appreciate all these comments? Look around here. It's you and me half the time. Soooooo sweet.

      I kinda remember a semo-serious scene where MM's character finally gives us a legitimate look into how shitty her life has been, but like you said, the jokes just aren't good enough. I would probably hate this less if I saw it again, but it's highly unlikely that I ever will.

      Glad you liked it...even if a little bit.