People like you don't have friends.

-336.91.

That's what it said on the screen. Years ago, I had attempted to withdraw twenty bucks from my Webster Bank account so I could get food on my lunch break, but apparently I didn't have any money. Shit, no money would have been a goal at that point. I owed bitches. Lots of them. Worse? I worked at f--king Webster Bank. That's some bullshit.

Much like how some ratf--k piece of garbage went into my bank account too often, I went to the Melissa McCarthy well more than I should have, too. To be fair, I only overdid it by one. I didn't take every dime some poor bastard had rendering him totally f--ked for a week while they investigated the alleged wrongdoings. I just Redboxed a movie. A not-very-good one.

After laughing my ass off throughout much of The Heat [review], I had high hopes for Identity Thief. Sure, that sounds pretty frickin' ridiculous now, I get that. But as the Universal logo spun around that globe, me and my lady friend were looking forward to a good time. Keeping with the trend of this post however, it would appear our fun would be crushed by some nameless, invisible force miles away from my current location.

Despite a slew of talented, likable people involved, Identity Thief feels like it's missing something. And that might be putting it mildly. There are a few laughs, some so-so action, and a somewhat inspired setup, but it doesn't amount to much and never really comes together. The reason? As unfair as it may be, is likely McCarthy. Not so much her personally, but her character Diana. This lady might be the most unlikable bitch ever put to screen that we're supposed to like.

Not that it'd surprise you looking at that poster, but you're going to have to swallow a big bite of f--k it if you plan on enjoying this one. The identity theft itself is clever and all-too believable, but the rest of the movie resides in a reality reserved for bad sitcoms and below average movies. Sandy (the always enjoyable Bateman), an affable family man, is about to lose his job in finance when it comes to light that he's been spending money he doesn't have. The fact that these shopping sprees all occur in a state he's never been to does little to pacify his boss or the cops. His brilliant plan? He's going to go get the person ruining his good name (and good credit) and escort them back to Denver, proving his innocence. This plan barely convinces anyone in the film let alone anyone watching it. From there, it basically becomes an average road-trip movie, saved only by how much you enjoy the two leads.

Clearly, the plot is secondary to the jokes and the naughty bits. Much like my own plot summaries, come to think about it. So, let's give the good people (or should I say person) what they want - and go ahead and get right into the Yays and Boos before someone gets punched in the throat.

It doesn't even have a first name. It just says McLovin.

Yaaaaaay!

• Even if none of their roles are that memorable, we've got a pretty solid supporting cast - at least on paper. Notables include Jon Favreau (playing a huge asshole), Amanda Peet (the wife), John Cho (the boss), Morris Chestnut (a terrible cop), Cam from Modern Family (not sure), and the T-1000 (bounty hunter). Formidable.
• Look, seeing anyone go down is pretty funny. But seeing, um, a bigger person, hit the deck is hysterical (Chris Farley made a career out of it). I almost spit up my drink when McCarthy gets devastated by a panini press.
• McCarthy can really go off the rails at times, to mixed results. Her bit about her husband's shredded junk cracked up my wife. I don't see any humor in that subject at all, however. That shit ain't right.
• You're beard smells like sandwiches. 
• Even though it was like, extra ridiculous, I did kind of laugh at that snake scene in the woods.
• And finally, both of us got a good laugh when her real name was revealed at the end. considering we're two people struggling to come up with a solid girl's name, her reaction to finding out her own was priceless. That's a terrible f--king name.

I've always loved how photos appear to be from weeks ago.

Booooo!

• On the Redbox disc, it asks whether you want to watch the theatrical cut, or the extended. I figure f--k it, let's go extended. It then says we're denied and that we should purchase the retail copy of the movie. Thanks for giving me the chance to feel like an asshole, Universal. Appreciate it.
• Fine. It made sense. But the fact that this becomes a road trip movie because the airport would never let two people with the same name board a flight together was lame. I'm thinking...maybe she makes another fake ID, perhaps?
• There's this stupid sub-plot involving T.I. and some sexy Spanish chick as bounty hunters working for some dude in prison that I'm convinced not one person on this planet gives a f--k about.
• Maybe I'm misremembering, but I'm pretty sure we get to see McCarthy visit her own Bermuda Triangle. Why was this in the movie? Was it supposed to be funny? It wasn't. Hold on. Why would anyone think watching some chick diddle herself would elicit laughter? If you're answer is the same as mine....that's not cool, right?
• And finally, the character of Diana. Eventually, I guess, we end up rooting for her...even if just a little bit. But it seems like no matter what happens, she always says or does something soon after where we're forced to think f--k this bitch. This is a comedy. Make her rotten. Make her redeem herself. Done. Stop f--king around.

While this movie had a few laughs, actual identity theft is no joke. The shit-faced c--kmasters who stole every dime I had totally f--ked me. For about two weeks, I didn't have any money. F--king zero. These bitches were out dropping $600 bucks on shitty groceries, getting their shitty car new tires, buying $500 worth of shitty clothes, and another $400 in shitty gas. Meanwhile, the bank takes their sweet time investigating all the fraudulent charges, while I sat their penniless and unable to pay any of my own bills. Or fill my gas tank. Or, buy my own groceries. Luckily, I had my girlfriend to fall back on.

Relax, I paid her back. Not only the cash, but she got a new identity, too.

I gave her my last name.