Tuesday, July 9, 2013

That's not stupidity or weakness. That's just human nature.

If you're a hardcore gamer, or, like me, a bit more casual in your videogame pursuits, it's safe to say that games are increasingly becoming more and more cinematic. They're not only becoming like movies, but they're also becoming actual movies. Big-budget games are being turned into big-budget flicks. I mean, eventually, they're going to run out of comics, cartoons and reboots, right? Well, they won't, but - just humor me, okay?

Anyway, with the proliferation of CGI for f--king everything, I think it's fair to say that movies are also becoming more and more like videogames. I'll never forget when I showed my dad Avatar and the old man pushed his glasses back on his nose, unimpressed. This? This is like a cartoon, or a videogame or something. This isn't a movie. Good point, Master Chef.

You know what's better than videogames and movies combined? The book. Don't ever f--k with the book.

Relax, I'm not going to say that the film version of World War Z is terrible or anything, because it certainly isn't. As far as this summer is concerned, it might be considered borderline excellent. But as I reflect back on it, I feel like it was a lot more akin to a really good survival horror videogame, rather than the kickass book it was based on. Typically, the game or movie goes something like this:

After a jarring opening, we settle in and follow a lone character, who has few supplies or weapons, as he (not really or she, no?) traverses the world to save what's left of humanity. Occasionally, we're privy to the unleashing of Hell, as bullets and bodies fly. It's all very intense, albeit in short spurts. Eventually, and inevitably, there are the stealth portions, where instead of laying waste, everything hinges on not. Making. A sound. We solve some puzzles, find the origin, and save the f--king day.

World War Z isn't the first flick to toe the line of movies and games, it's likely just the best. So far, anyway (faint praise I realize). And, it's got friggin' Brad Pitt in it, so it's all oddly legit, even if it's familiar ground. My main concern, without sounding too much like an asshole that read the book ('cause I friggin' hate those people, too), is that there was a wealth of awesome in the novel, however unfilmable it may actually be, and World War Z barely tapped into it. It probably should have been the most kickass HBO show ever, outside of the one with all the naked people saying and doing things. That one's my favorite.

All that bullshit aside, I still had a real good time with this one. I caught it with my older brother (the biggest 3D whore I've ever met) on a Saturday afternoon and we had a blast. Sure, my expectations were tempered by all the stories of how bad it is, but more and more I've found myself thinking f--k it and just enjoying summer flicks for what they are. If you haven't seen it, give it a shot. I mean, it's got zombies. Fast ones with clicky teeth, no less. And did I mention Brad Pitt? No shit, you probably get me there with either. But with both? It's like my brain's rotted out and I'm just sprinting toward the theater biting anyone in my way.

Speaking of something out of control and not alive, here is the latest word from the Yays and Boos. They're all pissed our summer vacation is half over already. Then I remind them, at least we get a summer vacation. Ungrateful bastards...

We're a black dude away from Left 4 Dead: The Movie.
  • The opening title sequence in 3D was pretty frickin' cool, even if it was essentially unnecessary. 
  • Breathtaking large scale city scenes have become a staple in all zombie flicks, though usually for their emptiness. Here we get Philly aka The Raccoon City of Brotherly Love. But it ain't empty.
  • So, Pharmacy Guy was kind of a good dude, right?
  • Wow, that Spanish family rules. They are so nice. I mean, they ruled. And um, were nice.
  • Even though it's a Boo for making me look like a huger bitch than normal, but that little jumpscare in the stairwell really got me. Well done.
  • Pitt's Gerry is one resourceful (read:quick-thinking) mofo. Seriously. Even though I'm not sure it's plausible (yes, I just used that word in this post [on this site]), when he ran to the edge of the roof I thought, this guy's a f--king genius.
  • I don't care if they showed 99% of it in the preview, that was a kickass plane crash. Hell, the whole sequence of that flight, absurd as it was, f--king ruled. Special love to the guy sitting next to them as Gerry changed her bandages. That guy kept his shit together. Me? I get pissed if someone snores audibly on a flight, let alone screams bloody f--king murder because their hand was just cut off by the sharpest blade ever to exist on the planet. Not that dude.
  • Even though he cracked everyone up when he was probably supposed to be scary, let's stand and cheer for Doctor Dreadlocks (my God, did I want to type Dr. Ed Lox, but I would never). When people say his eyes almost popped out of his head, well it turns out they're all talking about this guy. 
  • Sure, I loves me some shooting zombies in the face and such, but my favorite part of the movie was B Wing. That place is crawling with velociraptors zombies! And despite their spiffy lab coats, these bitches have long abandoned the Hippocratic Oath.
  • While we're in the B Wing, let me end the Yays with a shout out to Other Zombie Guy. That guy met Joe Black, both ways,  and didn't back down for a second. How do you spell the sound of someone biting the air? Do I go click? Shit.
I need three things: A shield. Some stairs. And Orlando Bloom.
  • I'm sorry, this is probably rude to say, but that's his wife? I mean, my man Brad just crushes ass, right? She should have been distractingly hot, as far as I'm concerned. I mean, I bought the undead running rampant...but this? Not so much.
  • As things started to get intense, my brother looked over and excitedly whispered, This is rated R, right? I checked my phone...and died a little inside.
  • Tommy. You're a good kid, but it's sort of distracting that Pitt manages to adopt a Spanish kid so easily even in a fictional story. Respectable, but distracting.
  • Yes, it was funny. But if the fate of the world rested with some doctor and that's what happened to him? Well, even my zombie form would be pretty f--king pissed. Well, when I stopped laughing anyway.
  • Look, I've never designed a military-backed escape before, but under no circumstances, would I ever suggest bicycles. Seriously. Put my ass on a bike, in the middle of the night, surrounded by Usain Bolt-like zombies and I'm all kinds of f--ked. 
  • North Korea. Even in a zombie movie, you guys come off as the sickest of f--ks. Sure, it's a smart plan, but 23 million people in 24 hours? How many dentist do they have?
  • Maybe the biggest Boo of them all is the Jerusalem sequence. Hey, guess what? What? The zombies hate noise? Really? Yep. Drives them crazy. Well, crazier. You don't say. Hmm. Well, you thinkin' what I'm thinking? KARAOKE JAM, bitches!
  • Okay, I've stated it countless times: F--k the sound of time slowing down. Enough of that shit. Let's get a coffin, and symbolically bury wooorrrrrr in the ground. If it comes back and eats my brains, fine. But it makes me so mad, I'm going to be the origin of the rage-virus. Not the British monkeys.
  • And finally, now I know how to celebrate when I'm moments away from officially being the guy that saved the world: I'm going to have a Pepsi. Weird. My original plan was to have sex with Angelina Jolie. But that's a whole different form of product placement. Hi-yo!
I gotta go. My wife came down and saw that I was still up and gave me the what the shit is this? gesture. At least I was doing something productive, right? It's not like I was up till two-thirty watching movies.

Or playing video games.


  1. On the subject of Brad Pitt's wife... well his character was supposed to be this Nobel-Peace Prize-Winner kind of guy. Those type look beyond physical beauty. Ahhh... who am I kidding. I can't even convince myself that's true :p

    I haven't read the book and actually don't care about the similarities. Despite this getting quite a number of bad reviews, I stand by what I wrote in mine... this is my favorite movie of the summer!

    p/s: Hollywood will never run-out of reboots... they'll keep making them again and again.

    1. Ha! Yeah, Brad was definitely more of earthier type dude this time around...but...c'mon, now. She's not a troll or anything...and miles out of my league...but still.

      That's totally fair. If you've never read the book, then at the end of the day, who gives a shit, right? Buuuuuuuut...if you're not going to stick to the book, um, at all...just call it something else then. Fair deal?

      I know. Sadly, we'll probably see WWZ rebooted in our lifetime.

    2. Seriously ... you guys didn't think the Brad Pitt character's wife was pretty? You dudes have seriously high standards! :-P I thought she was pretty damn hot, especially for a mom of two kids. Of course, The Hubby has been known to say I'd make a lousy lesbian because my taste in women isn't top notch.

    3. Clearly, your husband is a genius.


    4. I'll be sure to tell him you said that. ;-)

    5. Stephanie I don't know what they are talking about either :) I think Mireille Enos is drop-dead gorgeous, maybe they make her look superplain in this or something :/

    6. Drop-dead? Hold on (heads to Google images). Okay, she's fairly hot. But they did all they could to hide that fact. Granted, it's the apocalypse...it makes sense that she's not glammed up.

      But c'mon!

    7. UPDATE: She's married to Cameron Frye?!! She is officially that much hotter.

  2. Good review M. A hell of a lot better than I expected, even if I didn't expect much to begin with. Still, wish it could have been better in the script-department.

    1. Thanks, Dan. Couldn't agree with you more.

  3. Cool -- I recently reviewed this one too. Yup. Three cheers for Creepy Dreadlocks Dude! And though I'm not a gamer, my son pointed out the video gaming aspects of this movie, something he's noticing more and more often in films. And as you know, since you read my blog, my son is one of the world's preeminent experts on both zombies and video games, as well as being an authority on general badassery.

    Oh my god, that Jerusalem scene. I was trying REALLY hard to suspend disbelief, but seriously??? WTF??? "Let's make as much noise as possible, since that lures the undead, and NOBODY watch that wall." *Groan* If the Israelis were really that stupid, after their nation was established in 1948, it wouldn't have survived past 1949.

    1. I have avoided your review like the plague because you used the quote I was going to use as your title. Great minds...

      That kid is my hero. Seriously. That, or I'm seeing, well cementing, the fact that it's completely obvious that I think like a 9 year old boy. Either way sounds like a win.

      Some weird Jerusalem trivia: According to legend, that was one of the names my hippie father was strongly considering when naming a certain blogger I know. To think, I could have been j. brown.

      (but yeah, what a silly scene)

    2. Oops -- I feel kinda bad about that, since I blatantly ripped off the use-of-movies-lines-as-title from you to begin with.

      Don't we all think like 9-year-olds on some level? Sometimes I even laugh at my son's fart and penis jokes.

    3. I forgot to mention my son is 14 -- the 9-year-old is a girl. :)

    4. First of all, I'm pretty sure I ripped that idea off from someone else, anyway.

      Oops. I thought it was the other way around. My apologies! (Though from my classroom experience, sometimes there isn't that much of a difference between a 14 year old guy and 9 year old girl, sadly)

  4. I haven't seen this yet but I will since Pitt is 95% of the time guarantee of good movie. I think poor guy started doing so many movies a year because Jolie...well, when is the last time she was even in a movie?

    "It probably should have been the most kickass HBO show ever, outside of the one with all the naked people saying and doing things. That one's my favorite."


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