It must be comforting the way that everyone hates you.

My wedding was uneventful. Well, at least in cinematic terms. No one got sloppy drunk. No one (outwardly) hated anyone else and told them off in stunning fashion. And no one slept with a bridesmaid (well, the married ones probably got lucky), either. Overall, everything seemed pretty relaxed. Though to be fair, I should probably have prefaced all of this with: As far as I know.

Eight names + Nine actors = One terrible poster.

Speaking of as far as I know, the people behind The Big Wedding likely didn't plan on making a God-awful movie. Robert De Niro, probably didn't set out to lead an all-star cast straight down the shitter. And Diane Keaton, sure as shit didn't set out to play the same f--king character she plays in every f--king movie. Again. I mean, as far as I know, anyway.

But then again, as every single post on this site suggests, I'm a moron who apparently hates his free time.

This film was yet another peace offering to my wife, brought to you by the good folks at Redbox. Minutes after I had completed The Numbers Station [review], miraculously, my wife tiptoed downstairs to fire this one up. Quite the double header, no? Anyway, she had been watching a shit ton of daytime TV and some unlucky bastard had been out promoting this flick. Very rarely does my ladyfriend get excited about the shit I rent, but this one was right in her wheelhouse. A picturesque wedding and a host of recognizable faces should have made for an enjoyable flick, right? Right. But then, for laughs, Robert De Niro goes down on Susan Surandon three minutes in and instantly we both realized oh, it's that kind of party. My wife? She lost interest and probably started thinking about what else she should be doing. Me? I crossed my fingers and hoped that somehow Arnold Schwarzenegger would kick down my door and put a bullet through my television/head declaring, Consider this a divorce. 

While continuing the baffling trend of tons of great actors being in the same shitty film, The Big Wedding tells the familiar story of chaos surrounding a young couple's wedding. De Niro and Keaton play the eccentric, affluent parents, though the real big twist is, they're divorced. Unfortunately, that leaves the door open for, get this, another eccentric parent!, this time played by Susan Surandon, doing her same old old slut routine, a character she could probably deliver many years after her death.

The soon-to-be married couple, essentially relegated to fifth sub-plot status (as so often is the case), are played by a guy I don't think I've ever seen in Ben Barnes and a girl I can't stop seeing, the ubiquitous Amanda Seyfried. Katherine Heigl and Topher Grace show up as older siblings with storylines so awful that each made me wish I still had our wedding cake topper, to jam in my eyes whenever either appeared on screen. Also along for the ride is Robin Williams playing, you guessed it, quirky Father Moinighan. Lucky for him (and us?) his role is essentially a glorified cameo, perhaps because he knew better. I mean, this man was in Flubber, for f--k's sake.

Speaking of gooey awfulness, here are the Yays and Boos. The fact that I'm still paying off my wedding, that's a Boo. But the day itself? Major Yay.

You pick: 1) He's literally phoning it in. or 2) He's probably calling his agent.

Yaaay!

• No matter how much of a punch to the nuts this entire affair is, there is a silver lining. Once again, early in the movie, you get to hear Robert De Niro say, Un-f--king believable. Funny, that's what I said at the end of the movie.
• Even though I hated the ridiculousness of her character, Ana Ayora, as Alejandro's sister Nuria, is smoking hot. Thumbs up for the skinny dipping scene. Might add that one to Boner Jams '03.
• And finally, there's a scene where De Niro falls asleep while Keaton is talking to him and I'm pretty sure that was the funniest part of this movie. I've done that to my wife at least half a dozen times. 

I still can't believe that one of those guys played f--king Venom.

Boooooooooo!

• Why is Diane Keaton always dressed like Ellen?
• I was all about Eric Forman, but ever since, I think I've secretly hated Topher Grace. Here, he's especially annoying, playing Assfface Jones, Virgin M.D.
• Though even worse, is Katherine Heigl. Yes, her breasts are wonderful, sure. But everything else about her character makes me want to fight the entire cast of Grey's Anatomy.
• Speaking of those two, Grace and Heigl played siblings in probably the most incestuous way possible. F--king weird, that.
• I hope you like things zany! Seriously, the forced quirkiness is cranked to eleven. Maybe even twelve. Oh, White People. You so crazy.
• In this kind of movie, if you see a pool, get ready. Someone's gonna fall into it. Why? 'Cause that's f--king hilarious!
• So there's all this hype about the groom's mom coming into town. Apparently she's some uber-religious Spanish lady. You can almost hear the Jaws theme music as she arrives. So, she shows up and it's some random actress. What the shit is this? Where's Sophia Vergara? Or Salma Hayek? I mean, isn't the point that everyone's recognizable therefore the movie has to be good, right?
• Same goes for Heigl's husband, whoever that actor was. Where's Dylan McDermott when you need him? I'd even be down for some Dermot Mulroney, if I could remember which one's which.
• We get to the point where it's clear that everyone has slept with everyone. It's supposed to be funny, but all I wanted to do was stab everyone.
• And finally, the worst offender of all is the dialogue. Likely written by someone in their thirties but delivered by people in their sixties, it all comes off incredibly forced and awful. I'm all for naughty words and unnecessary cursing, but here it's just terrible. Extra terrible.

Unlike this movie, hopefully no one at my wedding sat there hating every single minute of it. I didn't. My wife didn't. Hopefully the leads in our little production can at least look back to that day without major regrets. I don't have any. My wife doesn't either.

Well...as far as I know.