Please, God. Pull the trigger.

Some actors rise to a level of notoriety that essentially works against them. When we talk of the character, we refer to the actor (Tom Cruise was so pissed off in that one scene...). It gets increasingly difficult for them to truly get lost inside a character like a less recognizable actor (potentially) could. Sometimes they'll transform themselves physically to avert their level of fame, often to mixed results (Gary Oldman in Hannibal being an impossible-to-classify example, um, for example). But for me, even harder to swallow, is when certain actors attempt to change their voice. This can be done well to great effect. But when it's bad...it's really bad. I refer to this as the Halle Berry as Storm phenomenon.

Robert De Niro and John Travolta have very distinct voices. In Killing Season both inexplicably don accents far outside anything we're used to hearing. And like the aforementioned Ms.Berry, neither actor can maintain it for the duration of the whole movie, much to the detriment of the film's effectiveness.

Oh, let's not just blame the accents. Nyet, mye freyend. This flick is just over eighty minutes of are you f--king kidding me? Potentially, there was an interesting story here. And we've got two talented leads. But to quote Mr. De Niro from a far, far better movie, the saddest thing in life is wasted talent. 

Anyway, we're about as far away from the Bronx as possible in Killing Season. Surprising no one, this one takes place in the woods, where Travolta's Vlade Divac Emil Kovac has decided to exact revenge on De Niro's Benjamin Ford. Seems these two have unfinished business from the Bosnian War, and scores must be settled, seasons must be killed.
I'm always down for a revenge flick. Always. But with only two characters, we're bound to run into some problems. Of chief concern, it's going to take a long time for someone to die. That means far too many psychotic this is why I hate you speeches, an infinite number of close calls, and zero collateral damage. Really? But worse, we're also stuck with two grumpy old men who despite a hundred signs to the contrary, are actually borderline invincible. Sure it's entertaining, for a minute. But it's also ridiculous, throughout.

Speaking of briefly entertaining and consistently ridiculous, here are the Yays and Boos. Forget man, the only thing they've ever hunted is a bargain. And even as the free second rental, I'm not sure this flick qualifies.

De Niro was just told he's in this movie.

Yaaaaaay!

• Even if the movie is underwhelming on almost all fronts, it moves quickly. Travolta and De Niro are face to face before the ten-minute mark.
• If there's one thing that isn't skimped on, it's the weird level of violence. Somebody gets strung up by an arrow they've taken through the leg, and the other guy gets pinned to a door. By an arrow. TO THE FACE!
• There's some glorious deer battles here. Likely it's to represent the foolhardy grudge the ex-soldiers have, or the director is a huge Planet Earth fan. Either way, I'm in.
• Stay golden, Ponyboy. Near the end, a rickety church collapses on top of a character, Outsiders-style. It's actually not that cool, but anytime I can make an Outsiders reference, even a terrible one, it's a Yay.
• I think there are two women in this movie for a combined three minutes. While that's inherently nothing to cheer about, the bartender lady was hot. What's Serbian for I appreciate your evening wear? Never mind. Got it. Ценим вашу увече носе. Google translate: the ultimate wingman.
• And finally, this is probably the tenth movie in my life that I have seen completely blind. I simply looked at the runtime and the famous faces. I knew nothing about it whatsoever. Judging by this post, still don't either.

The years have been mighty unkind to Danny Zuko.

Booooooo!

• As bad as the accents are, the actual dialogue is even more cringe-worthy. Travolta gets a mysterious file 18 years after the fact from a shady guy, no less. When asked what he's going to do, he says, likely because he has to in this kind of movie, Hunting. I am going hunting. He might as well have looked straight into the camera and made guns with his fingers.
• Early on, De Niro's truck breaks down, and literally out of f--king nowhere, Travolta shows up. Remarkably, he's completely unfazed. He lives in utter solitude and a random Serb shows up dressed in full camo? Shrug.
• Early on, De Niro is shown to be struggling walking around. That's fine, as he's pretty old, and a war vet. Twenty minutes later, he's invincible and probably could kill a T-Rex with just his balls. Hmm. 
• All the narrow escapes get to be extra laughable, but one in particular really chapped my ass. Travolta has a severely wounded De Niro cornered in half of an old house. He's giving him the speech, yammering on and on, when De Niro lunges up, throws himself through the nearest wall. That's embarrasing. He's just going to land on the ground. Oh, wait. There's a massive f--king river, raging uncontrollably right on the other side. You'd think we could have heard it...
• Which leads us to getting to see an old man piss on himself. Really. 
• Waterboarding. Cruel. Unusual? Lemon-flavored waterboarding.  
• And finally, the ending. Maybe you smarter kids saw it coming (though you real smart kids stayed far away from this), but I was so pissed with the resolution. Fine, it makes sense thematically. But so does pissing all over this blu ray.

I post about every movie I see. Every single one. For the better part of three months, I've been behind at least two or three films, once it got as high as six. But now that this one is in the bag, I'm officially all caught up. It's safe to say, it feels good. Real good.

And I can say it in my regular voice, too.
Which is even better.