Thursday, December 19, 2013

We both know what this is about, don't we, honeypot?

It's so easy to tear something down. In fact, I do it all the time on this crappy blog. For this post, I've decided instead of the usual destroying, I'd go the other way and create. I have a wholly unique idea for a film that is nothing like any other movie ever made. It goes a little something like this:

For the majority of the planet, everything seems perfectly normal. But, living among us, is a secret group of potentially dangerous creatures. For the most part, we've been existing together without incident for years, but something major is about to happen, something not from Earth. Plucked from obscurity to aid in this secret war, is a young hotshot upstart who plays by his own rules. My plan, get this, is to partner him with some gruff older guy, who may or may not be too old for this shit. They'll save the world, if only they don't kill each other first.

This idea is so good, I can't believe they never made anything like this. Anyway, I'm thinking Justin Timberlake and Harrison Ford would be perfect as the leads. Oh, and those secret creatures living among us? Motherf--king werewolves! Yep, I've already got the title picked out: Werewolf Task Force. Or, we can abbreviate it to...

What the f--k, R.I.P.D.? You might set the record for the most obviously derivative film in the last twenty years of cinema (and that's really saying something). And, of all movies to crib from, frickin' Men In Black? I guess it's not so bad. I mean, the third M.I.B flick came out way back in 2012 [review], right? I doubt anyone even remembers it.

Maybe with out the overwhelming familiarity, R.I.P.D might have had a chance. The effects are decent, the cast is charmingly silly, and it all moves at a breezy pace. But, without the novelty of originality, you can't help but sit there and compare every little thing to the Smith/Jones alien flicks. Trust me, it's impossible.

Anyway, to be recruited into the Rest In Peace Department, police officers must die. Then, they are basically given the choice of corralling naughty ghosts or after judgement, going straight to Hell. Nick, played by can't-catch-a-break Ryan Reynolds, reluctantly joins up, though not to shoot Slimer in the balls. No, he's more interested in somehow reconciling with his French widow, Julia (an adorable Stephanie Szostak). I crossed my fingers he would scoot a penny up the side of a door and then hit the ol' pottery wheel, but no luck.

The plot is inconsequential, and sadly, so is Ryan Reynolds.. If there's a reason at all to fire this one up, it's El Duderino, Jeff Bridges. His 1800's lawman character, Roy, is ridiculous, but in all the right ways. Bridges appears to be having a blast, so much so it almost elevates it beyond watchable status. While Jones charmed in the M.I.B flicks by being straight-laced and stoic, Bridges goes the other way. Roy is a loudmouthed a-hole who doesn't give a damn about the rules. It's not much, but it's just about all we've got.

Speaking of not much, here are the Yays and Boos for R.I.P.D. They thought this was a documentary about the Rhode Island Public Defender. Turns out they got into some shit in Pawtucket back in '07, but that story is for another day.

Yaaaaaaaaaay!
  • Charlestown, Massachusetts as the setting. Jeff Bridges must be Blown Away by Boston. 
  • The camera does some pretty cool things, occasionally. I was a huge fan of this insanely fast tracking shot they pulled off a couple of times. Nice.
  • Same goes for the VFX. The massive time-freeze was very cool.
  • Their avatars. The gag was in the trailer, but Roy, I'm sorry, Cephus, was a pretty hot chick. Marisa Miller = Damn. Oh, and Nick's old Chinese man was pretty fine, too. You know, as far as old Chinese guys go.
  • Probably my favorite thing about this movie, and this is really stupid, is the way Roy drives. I mean it.
  • How to get rid of a ghost. Unfortunately, P.K.E Meters aren't required...but bullets to the head are.
  • Silly violence. There was a scene where they beat a guy with his own severed arm til he threw up that I certainly could appreciate (though my son has been throwing up all night...so the vomit = funny not so much currently). Oh, they also shot a guy in the face, too. Sorry, that's always a Yay.
  • Speaking of, guns. Not only do their ghost killing guns appear to the living world as bananas, but at one point they have a Gatling gun as well. Not sure what that appeared as though....hmm.
  • Fenway Park. Seriously, my favorite place on the planet is going to get a SAG card soon. Here we even get a scene inside the Monstah.
  • The term, an exposed cock-up.
  • And finally, the finale. Yep, even though I had mentally checked out thirty minutes prior, the rooftop shootout at the end was fairly awesome. You might really enjoy this scene, you know, if you can make it that far.
Booooooo!
  • I really think this movie would have been 26% more entertaining in 3D. I hate that.
  • Nerd Alert. So, Roy loves his hat. Fine, that's fine. But, the thing is, he's always taking it off. Well, guys, what the Hell is the blonde doing during that? That fine bitch ain't wearing no damn hat! Huh? Huh? (and yes, I accepted everything else entirely)
  • Roy speaks at length how a coyote made love to his skull upon his death all those years ago. Now, fellas, I'm pretty sure this is a kids' movie, right? How about we table the whole skullf--king bit til the Director's Cut, mmkay?
  • The Eternal Affairs Department. Is that clever? Or cringe-worthy? I'm not sure.
  • Okay, serious time. We're in Boston and nobody has the accent? Fack you, ya fackin' bastids.
  • As much it tickled me when Bridges exclaimed She billy-goated me! I was not at all into Mary-Lousie Parker chewing on his crusty ol' goatee. I imagine The Dude's facial hair taste pretty gnarly.
  • And finally, as much as I wanted punch any and all radios playing the Men In Black theme song back in the 90's, what the shit was with this soundtrack? How many times do we have to hear the konichiwa, bitches song? Pretty sure never is still too much.
Hey, speaking of songs, I've already begun writing the title track to the completely original Werewolf Task Force feature film. Oh, it's going to be great. Timberlake, dancing and singing with CGI wolves! Huge! Anyway, it goes like this.

Here come some f--king wolves.
They're gonna bite your d--k off!

This Werewolf Task Force idea is going to be so big, so original, it's probably going to take over this whole blog. Every time you read a post on here, you're going to think one thing, and one thing only.

WTF.

11 comments:

  1. Good review M. In all honesty, I didn't hate this as much as others. Sure, it was dull and as conventional as you could ever get with a movie of this nature, but there was some fun to be had here that made it somewhat worth the trip. Maybe not the movie you need to desire to see, but one that you can probably have an okay time with, if you stumble upon it late one night.

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  2. Exactly. For what it is... it's okay. Go in with the right expectations, and you might enjoy yourself. Might.

    Appreciate the comment.

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  3. Damn, I'll watch anything for the Dude. On the other hand - Reynolds....blah!

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    1. Oh, c'mon now. I don't get all the Reynold's hate. Seems like a likeable enough guy, right? Right?

      Anyone with me here? Anyone?

      But yeah, the Dude. You pretty much half to.

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  4. Yeah, well, that's just like your opinion, man.

    I really liked the movie though. Not that my opinion or judgement has ever been good or even decent.

    Anyway, one of my New Year's Resolutions is to comment on your blog more, like the good old days.

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    1. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Really liked it? That's awesome.

      So, you say you pledge to comment more here immediately after saying your judgement isn't 'good or even decent'? Hmm.

      Sounds about right.

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    2. Like I said, not the best judgment in the world. Choosing your site as one of my favorites falls into that category. haha

      After being forced to shut down my own site, work, and family stuff I just haven't had a whole lot of time to make it into the blogosphere.

      Delete
    3. I hear you. I was doing pretty good when it was me, the wife and a three year old.

      New baby has punched this blog (and my entire life) squarely in the nuts. I'm sure you can relate.

      I thought about shutting down myself, but instead. I've just scaled back. Waaay back. At least for now. When I get a real job...we'll see. Good luck, man.

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    4. "The most obviously derivative film in the last 20 years of cinema" ... that totally needs to be the movies tagline. Wow ... this one does sound like pure cinematic shite.

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    5. Well, Shane seems to swear by it, and Dan liked it just enough, so maybe it isn't that bad.






      Just kidding, it sucks balls.

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