Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Amazing Amy has always been one step ahead of me.

Look around your house. If you're not home, it may be as simple as glancing at your phone. We surround ourselves with things that we love, things that define who we are, then as time passes, we replace them with something else. Or, simply forget about them all together and move on. Within an arm's reach I have at least a half dozen things I once completely adored, and now am relatively indifferent to. In fact, the laptop I'm using at this moment used to be immaculate and doted over. Now? It irritates me just thinking about it. If only I could trade it in for a newer model, you know?

I mean, it's not like it would get upset and try to f--king ruin my life..

Maybe it's a stretch, but the way we treat out things may in fact mirror the way we treat each other. We have long become a throwaway society with our stuff, and the argument could be made that we're doing the same with our people and our relationships. Fixing, it seems, is much harder than replacing. Especially if it was defective in the first place.

In David Fincher's Gone Girl, based on the novel by Gillian Flynn, married couple Nick and Amy appear to be broken. Well, they would look that way, if Amy wasn't missing (literally) of course.

Initially Nick, played with a solemn swagger by Ben Affleck, is upset about his wife's disappearance, but maybe not as much as he should be. Taking anything presented in this film at face value, however, is clearly a mistake, and careful consideration should be given to any living thing on the screen. Well, outside of the cat. You could trust that pussy.

And while I'm sure that you fully know what happened in the book (or movie) by now, I'm not going to say anything else, at least not up here. The Yays and Boos will probably ruin everything, but let's be honest. That's kind of what they do.

I went in completely blind (my wife too) and was routinely knocked on my ass during this one's epic run time (I hadn't even seen the trailer!). Hell, I almost came out blind, too, as there was more than one occasion where I thought gouging my eyes out would be less painful than what I was seeing on screen. While the surprise of each f--ked up twist and no f--king way turn certainly added to my immense enjoyment, it's not as if Gone Girl gets by on just it's shock value. No, once again, David Fincher (and a slew of others) has crafted a film that while overwhelmingly wrong, feels so right. These horrific events, not too mention the deplorable characters mired in them, shouldn't be so enjoyable, but the second it ended, I wanted to see it again. Immediately.

For a couple hundred words, I realize I've said so little, but this time (promise) it's deliberate. If you haven't seen the movie, please X out of this site now. And if you have seen the movie, well, shit. You should probably do the same. Either way, here are the Yays and Boos.

  • After a coin toss, let me go ahead and start with Affleck. He is absolutely the perfect person to play Nick Dunne. We like Ben. We trust this handsome goofball. Well, we think we do, right?
  • But holy shit, guys, Rosamund Pike? Incredible. Yes, she's just about the most gorgeous woman ever put to film, but what she does here as Amy is miles beyond eye-candy. She's so good, it's scary. Maybe even terrifying.
  • And Tyler Perry? This dude is perfect as Tanner Bolt. In fact, his performance is so good, I'm willing to forgive the existence of at least four Madea movies. Now about the other thirty...
  • Carrie Coon, as Nick's twin sister, delivered what is likely the most honest performance of the movie. By that I mean, you can actually trust her. I think.
  • Man, that was a pretty solid marriage proposal. Though the gold standard is still the string thing in Stepmom. Damn you, Ed Harris. Damn you.
  • Okay, I've gone on too long without mentioning the sex in this movie. Initially, it's all pretty awesome, right? Right? And then it's terrible. But then, then it's f--king incredible! My wife got really pissed at how much I enjoyed her. (she actually used the word 'ugly' which may be one of the funniest things I have ever heard in my life). Oh, and then it's back to terrible. Really, really terrible. Overall, still a Yay. Sort of.
  • God I love Patrick Fugit. His character is having way too much fun.
  • The score is soooo good. Maybe not The Social Network good (or GWTDT good), but still insanely atmospheric and beautifully creepy.
  • I guess 'thriller' is the easy answer, but there were more than enough laughs here to make a case for 'comedy' as where to file this one. What can I say? I laugh when I'm f--king mortified.
  • Gillian Flynn is brilliant. I was awed by this script in almost every way possible.
  • The structure of this film is flawless. The timeline is so incredibly f--ked, flashbacks within flashbacks kind of thing, but it's never even remotely a problem.
  • And finally, I don't think there's anything I love more than a narrator you can't trust. Seriously, you come at me with that sultry voice, and I'm all in. Even if you're, you know, totally full of shit and possibly the craziest bitch on the planet.
  • Don't make us feel bad for wanting the Cool Girl, okay? 
  • I find Ben's chin rather heroic, thank you very much.
  • I didn't think of it until now, but I will never again crucify anyone for smiling in a picture. I'm serious. I think it's purely innate that when someone says smile, you comply. Even if you shouldn't.
  • And speaking of, Selfie Chick? I wish someone would hit her in the face with a hammer.
  • Um, and speaking of...that...what the f--k, right? I thought I was watching Oldboy for a second. Damn.
  • I almost lost my wife, too. All kidding aside, I thought she was gone with the boxcutter scene. She kept saying Is it over? Is it over? at an inappropriate volume (if you ask me)
  • Actually, the bloodless violence was a million times worse, don't you think? Especially the last time. Damn it, Nick. You've come too far for this.
  • Sugar storm? More like shit storm.
  • Whoa, whoa...whoa. A Mets hat? C'mon, Ben. Shoulda been a Sox hat. Even if they blow.
  • Dried blood. a) the hospital will send you home like that? b) that must be the most effective shower in the f--king world
  • I'm just going to say this once, and don't go all Margot Robbie on me, but I thought NPH was the weak link here. He wasn't terrible, I just felt that he took me out of the movie for a second.
  • I actually almost screamed during this movie. Not out of fear or anything, but out of desperation. RUN, NICK! RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNN.
  • And finally, I don't drink, but I'm pretty sure that's not how you open a bottle of bubbly.
Whoa. It's getting late. Let me wrap this entire review up in just four simple words: Go see this movie.


I love my wife. 


  1. I love the Stepmom proposal comparison! I'm glad you enjoyed this film, I did too. I really liked NPH in it though, I thought Tyler Perry and Emily Ratawhatever were the weakest links, but they were still pretty good for their characters. I really hope Coon gets a supporting actress nomination. I feel like Pike already has lead locked in. Great review!

    1. Shit. I felt like I was wronging the world the moment I started typing my Boo for NPH (a guy I love, by the way), but his presence in the film distracted me. It wasn't a bad performance...just odd, I guess.

      Whoa, whoa, whoa! Tyler Perry? C'mon! I thought he was hysterical. So confident, and such a sleazeball, but also so cool, too. I loved every second of it. And Emily? Well, she seemed like a dumb kid. A very, very sexy one. My wife hated her so much, it was kind of awesome.

      Coon = the surprise of the whole movie. She was flawless as Nick's, well, better half.

      Pike has to be a lock. If I had a vagina, I would literally jam a glass bottle in it out of protest if she isn't nominated. That would show them.

  2. Lovely review! You took your wife to see this? Oh man, bad move. I imagine this is like a horror for married people, if I had a husband I'd took him to see it and after it was over I'd throw a 'do you see what happens when men cheat?' look at him until he shat himself.

    Really glad you liked the movie, the story is so incredible and Amy is such a fantastic character. I knew you'd appreciate...Emily/Andie's assets.

    1. As little as I knew, my wife knew even less. She was horrified, but loved the movie. And yes, as a married man, it was essentially a horror movie. Luckily my wife didn't go to an ivy league school, she just went to some shitty private college that handed out degrees to anyone. Did I ever tell you that her and I met in biology class?

      That Andie scene almost got me in trouble. As much I was like what the f--k, Nick? when that scene started....then I was like, Oooooohhhhh, now I get it thirty seconds later. I mean, not only was she crazy hot, but it was just simple for Nick. Andie worshiped him, and likely didn't expect much from him. Amy on the other hand...

  3. "Carrie Coon, as Nick's twin sister, delivered what is likely the most honest performance of the movie. By that I mean, you can actually trust her. I think." You're so right. We're all focusing on how great Pike is in the movie, but Coon was one of the realist characters in the film! Great post

    1. I loved Pike, too, but Coon was so great. She definitely grounds the film in something we can relate to, as everyone else is all kinds of f--ked up.


  4. Even though I've already read the book, I'm not going to read any reviews of this movie 'til I see it. I am trying to get The Hubby to go with me, even though it's bound to be the world's most awkward date movie. I'll be back! Can't wait to read what I am sure is an awesome review.

    1. It's basically the most-awkward date movie ever, especially when the husband watching the film, ends up drooling over the mistress in the movie. Because then the husband starts to think that the wife is getting ideas...and well, the husband starts checking credit card statements and stops signing just about anything.


  5. Great review! I love how you recognised the flawless nature of the structure and just how twisted the timeline is. I was definitely thinking the same thing about the blood. Really hospital really? Now I hear about the poor public health system but really? And cheers of course to an unreliable narrator!

    1. Thanks, Angela. The fact that everything was so seamless despite being totally screwed up is indicative of how well the narrative is presented. I was very impressed.

      My wife and I were cracking up about the blood on the way home. It was so silly at first, but even the hospital didn't seem to mind? Ridiculous.

      Unreliable narrators are the best. Especially when they are presented as the voice of reason...um, at first.

    2. The blood thing was symbolic, I think, to show her coming clean only with Nick in the shower at home. She lies to the cops in the hospital so Fincher left if there.

    3. That makes sense...now. At the time I was befuddled. But, I like what's being said, that she couldn't come clean until she, er, came clean. That's cool, even if just a tad silly.

  6. Great review! I'm with you on the NPH casting. I like the guy but something was just off with him being in the film.

    1. Thank you! I'm glad I've finally found someone who's with me regarding NPH, as it seems most people really liked him. I'm with you...good dude, but maybe a bad call for this role.

  7. People write mile-long reviews to describe Affleck's acting, but you've done it with six: "Nick, played with a solemn swagger" is all anyone could really say. Also, I usually wouldn't say this on this blog, but wonderful comparison in the beginning, the society reference is really interesting -- and fitting.

    If you go there, I will take my torch and join you in ending the Selfie Chick. Jesus.

    1. Yessss! That's the first time anyone has ever said something on this site about brevity! Quite a shock, considering I tend to yammer endlessly.

      Speaking of pointless rambles, glad you like the opening, too. That's awesome.

      That lady made me want to fight everyone in the theater.

  8. O.K., I'm back. I was actually saving this review until I'd seen and blogged about this movie. Brilliant review! Seriously. Exceptionally smart and funny, as always.

    Your wife and I might have a lot in common. Even though I'd read the book, so there were no real surprises, I closed my eyes and made an inappropriate amount of noise during the box cutter scene. Even my husband, who is trained in crime scene investigation, had a tough time with that one.

    In my opinion, the actress who played Andie wasn't conventionally pretty, but she had a body that wouldn't quit. I am a staunchly heterosexual female, and when she brought out her breasts, even I was impressed.

    1. I'm so glad you came back! Hell, I'm pretty stoked you were here in the first place.

      I'll admit, it wasn't the easiest scene to swallow, but my wife goes to a place likely reserved for small children or the very, very old. She just sort of folds in on herself and quietly freaks the Hell out. It's kind of like when Charlie Babbitt runs that hot bath for a grown up Raymond. But she's waaay hotter than Dustin Hoffman.

      I burst out laughing when I read that last line. I'm pretty sure if I ever get a tattoo, it's going to read 'And when she brought out her breasts, even I was impressed.'

      Words to live by, no?

    2. Ha ha! That would be a seriously long tattoo. I think you're going to be there for a while.

  9. BAHAHAHA, that last Boo...

    I've seen someone open a bottle that way ;-)
    (I wish I was kidding)

    Yeah, we seem to be on the same wave length with this one...it says so much even if it doesn't seem to be saying exactly what it's saying. This is one deceptive little shit of a movie and yet, I love it for that. GREAT review, but you're always good at those.

    1. You've seen that? I need to hang out with you ASAP. Though...maybe not, actually.

      Ha! Thanks, man. Totally with you....this movie was deceptively brilliant.