Sunday, October 5, 2014

I will dance with the Golden Toad.

Maybe this is a guy thing, but probably a dozen times in my life, I've found myself trapped in a certain conversation that makes me want to immediately scream and/or kill myself. It goes like this:

Guy 1: Would you __________________ for $__________ ?
Me: No.
Guy 1: How about for $ ___________?
Me: No.
Guy 2: Shit, I'd do it for free!
Guy 1 and Guy 2: (laugh hysterically)
Me: (cries inside)

For the record, Guy 1 is almost always talking about having sex with the most unattractive female at work. And yes, Guy 1 is almost always a dickhead. Same with Guy 2.

13 Sins, a remake of a Thai flick called 13: Game of Death, is the extreme version of this conversation. Maybe that's oversimplifying it (and replace all the sex talk with general mayhem), but the short version goes something like this:

A decidedly desperate man answers his cell phone one day, and is immediately thrust into some ancient game of f--kery. If he completes the task that the mysterious caller presents - he gets paid. But if he fails, quits, or - wait for it- mentions the game to anyone, he gets nothing. If only I could remember how many of these zany tasks he has to do...

13 Sins isn't particularly great, but as my first horror movie of the month, it was a nice way to get my feet wet. Mark Webber plays protagonist Elliot as a nice-enough guy, simply in over his head. While the performance feels honest enough at first, it's actually Elliot's motivation(s) that make the whole thing veer into lunacy. Remember, Elliot needs money, so of course he's going to press on, right? Right. But, it might be enough that his fiancee's pregnant, you know? That might be all the motivation we need to buy into his plight. Should we add the fact that tonight is his wedding reception? Or the fact that he just lost his job because he's a pussy (I'm not joking), and now can't afford for the care of his special needs younger brother? Oh, and that his dad is a complete asshole and now has to move in with the newlyweds? Because between you and me, this is sounding a little ridiculous. I can't believe a horror movie went overboard! Well, I never...

All that nonsense aside, once the tasks begin 13 Sins delivers enough ridiculous thrills to entertain anybody looking for some bloody, brainless fun. Initially, Elliot is asked to kill...a fly, and it's all puppy dogs and rainbows. But when his next task is to f--king eat the dead fly, we're going to go ahead and throw all baby animals and optical phenomena straight through the nearest window. By the time we get to the sixth task (bringing a corpse to a diner to get some coffee) we've essentially descended into horror-movie madness. Yes, I might have rolled my eyes a few times, but I never checked my watch. 

If only the same could be said for the Yays and Boos. Is causing boredom a sin? 'Cause these two have done that at least thirteen times today.

Every time I think of movie sins, I think of Lust in Se7ven.
And then I start to cry like a small girl.
  • Though initially I was calling Booo!, that opening scene was just crazy enough to keep me from jumping ship. An elderly Australian man dropping dirty rhymes at an elegant function is old hat. But then he cuts his finger off and it's Well, hello stranger.
  • Even though I'd kill a bitch, task 3 was intense. Yeesh.
  • Task 4 gets a little out of hand, too. And by that I mean it's f--king awesome.
  • Ron Perlman. Yep, ol' Angel Face himself shows up for a few minutes, and despite not really doing much, I loved every second of it. Guys, it's Ron Perlman
  • You know, for a horror movie taking place outside in the daytime, in a fully functioning city no less (well, outside of having effective law-enforcement), I give the film credit for still managing to be somewhat creepy.
  • Even by hot nurse standards, that nurse was super hot.
  • By about task 8 or 9, Elliot has become quite the badass mofo, lemme tell you.
  • The cops finally show up to the wedding reception and we're to assume our boy is finally gonna get it. But the reason they show up is hilarious, even if unintentionally so.
  • And finally, if you can actually make it to the end, there is a stunt so f--king absurd I actually might have cried a little bit from laughing so hard. I don't want to spoil it for you (as if you're going to watch it, right?), but let's just say it involves three of my favorite things: a weird-ass old lady, a clothes line that could get Marty McFly back to future, and a shit-ton of white people on motorcycles. 
Ol' Detective Ron has the perp in his sights. In an empty parking lot.
You'd think he'd take the shot, right? You'd think...
  • Sure it's ominous, but that f--king ringtone got old after real fast.
  • Apparently Big Brother is a Saints fan, as New Orleans has more cameras watching its citizens than any other town on Earth. Seriously. I wouldn't scratch my balls at the bottom of a trench I'd just dug in this shit hole, for fear that that sweet relief would somehow end up on YouTube.
  • Task 5 is just stupid. An ostrich? Really? Are those readily available?
  • No nudity. Sorry, it seems arbitrary, but rules are rules. Bad horror = good nudity.
  • Dude. That waitress' lack of hustle almost sunk Elliot's battleship. Big time. You can refill the ketchup bottles later, bitch.
  • Task 11 was such a dick move. It's easy to complete, but c'mon, Scary Phone Man. You can't ask him to do that. Not at that point. It's almost rude.
  • Did I mention Elliot's dad is a real f--ker? Well, he is. I wanted to cheer for him at the end, but that was some twisted shit.
  • And finally, the end. I didn't really see that coming, but when the main character feels like he wasted his time...let's just say the audience might not be that far behind him.
Horror month has officially begun, and hopefully I can watch a lot more scary movies. Maybe some slashers, or a monster movie or two. Actually, I saw something theatrically yesterday - I'm just not sure it counts as true horror, even if it scared the shit out of me. It was this little film you've probably never heard of, about some beautiful woman that goes missing or something. We can talk about it later, okay?

And for the record, no, I wouldn't sleep with her for a million dollars. Just in case you were going to ask.

I'd do it for free.


  1. No nudity in a horror movie? What is this dumb fuckery?

    Kidding. I actually really like Mark Webber, and I enjoy a little brainless bloody fun sometimes. I might check this out. Great review!

    1. Yeah, I was pretty disappointed with the lack of boobs, even if there was essentially no way to make it work. If only the guy on the phone had asked him to punch a stripper in the vagina or something. Maybe in the sequel...

      It's on Netflix. And if you do watch it...I'll just apologize now.

  2. You've got me really curious to find out what the rest of these tasks are. Even if there is no nudity. Sounds like the whole thing is a bit nuts.

    1. Dell, I wrote them all down while I was watching it, but at this point can't recall any of them. Well, except for #11. That shit was ridiculous!

      Please, please, pleeeeease let me know if you do end up watching this one.