Saturday, November 29, 2014

Nobody cares about you.

I think it was freshman year.
I want to say it was the spring term.1998.
From room to room, at least in the guy's section, an unmarked VHS tape was being circulated. We didn't get much heads up (our room was in a co-ed hallway [which totally had its perks]), but when it arrived, everybody immediately stopped what they were doing. Every guy in that room knew, we are witnessing history. This was our moon landing. But instead of Neil Armstong and Buzz Aldrin? Well...

We had Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee. On a boat.

Speaking of ultimately disappointing movies where people film themselves f--king, let's add July's Sex Tape to the list. While the original sex tape was really only about Tommy Lee's massive johnson, director Jake Kasdan's flick is marginally more complicated. Okay, not really, but at least they held the camera steady.

Jason Segel plays, well,  Jay, some sort of radio station guy, who just so happens to pass out iPads as presents. Apparently, Jay can turn out a hell of playlist, and he routinely (and remotely) updates his lists all the time. It's truly the gift that keeps on giving. Yes, it's that old story/the weirdest Apple commercial ever.

One night, after realizing their lovelife is lacking, Jay's wife, Annie (the still super-hot Cameron Diaz) suggests that they make a sex tape. Of course Jay's down for this, and fully agrees to delete it after the marathon f--ksession has ended. Surprising no one, he doesn't, and when Jay's iPad syncs, his framily now has access to some kinky shit. What ever will they do?

(SPOILER ALERT: He doesn't just delete it from his account, thereby allowing all the other Best Live Short nominees to breathe a little easier this March).

Even though I had heard this movie sucked, for a buck and a half, I thought I'd give it a look anyway. My wife is always up for a comedy, I've always liked Segel, and Diaz looked super-hot in the previews - so we rolled the dice. The result? My wife fell asleep, I'm wavering on Segel, and Diaz ain't hot enough. This one is ultimately a waste of time, and coming from me...that's saying something. I mean...look at some of the shit I'll sit through.

Speaking of things that are continually exhausting, here are the Yays and Boos for Sex Tape. I'll bet you a tub of leftover cranberry sauce that within ten years, this movie gets a sequel or a remake. And with that up for grabs? Honestly, I'm feeling good either way.


  • A solid sex-montage, sure, but I think the boner-montage was even better.
  • Thirty seconds of Nat Faxon is better than no Nat Faxon, right?
  • We're like Derek Fisher and LeBron James, having sex.
  • The parents of the twins. Let's have a movie about those two.
  • Segel's British accent was pretty f--king funny.
  • Jack Black rattling off every porn site he could think of was pretty good, too. Not that I know if those are real or not...I mean, who uses the internet for pornography? Certainly not me. Well...right now anyway. At this moment.
  • When their awkward son wants to go to a friend's house, Segel counters with the awesome combination of Donuts and lasertag. Between you and me, I can probably think of three or four things in the world that would be more enticing than that. And if 'sex with __________' isn't an option, go ahead and round that to zero.
  • And finally, if it eventually comes out that this whole endeavor was just an excuse to get Diaz into that roller-skate ensemble, I'm actually okay with that. I mean, that's just solid logic, you know?
  • Um, do they let thirty-five year olds live in the dorms?
  • Segel looks waaaaaay too skinny. I thought this was an unwelcome sequel to The Machinist for a second, damn.
  • Can we get a movie about Rich White People where someone has a real f--king job? Please. I mean, Radio Playlist Guy is bad enough, but then she's a f--king mommy blogger? Where do they come up with this shit? 
  • Rob Lowe, essentially playing that super-awkward version of himself from the DirecTV commercials, represents everything that is wrong with this movie. He's trying, probably too hard, and damn near everything he says (and does)...simply doesn't work. And more often than not, not by a long shot either.
  • Pregnancy sex. EEeeee...
  • They make a three hour sex tape, and until the end, we see very little of it. Ultimately, what they do show is rather amusing, but it's all rather tame and well...nudity free.
  • As weird as that break in bit was at the end, the fact that they're hustling to make a 9am fourth grade graduation is even weirder. I know, it's because of the video being shown there, but still. It's all pretty f--king stupid, when you think about it.
  • Howard. What a douche. It's always nice to really f--king hate bad guy, but this little turd was out of control. He really was kind of a dick.
  • And finally, what Genius decided that Apple had to be front and center for this? Bullet dodged, Google (though The Internship may suggest otherwise). Heads up, Samsung. It can't always be Harold and Kumar...
Imagine if something sort of like this really happened? Like, all kinds of sexual stuff getting out there for the whole world to see? Something worse than Pam and Tommy Lee (maybe even a tad more unflattering than honking a horn with your d--k). That would be devastating. Not only for the people on the screen....but even those unlucky enough to be in front of one. Whether it be on a VHS tape from the shady kid down the hall.

Or on blu-ray, from the Redbox at the gas station. 


  1. Replies
    1. Well...that's very nice of you to say. Even if the overall vibe of this post suggests otherwise, I really wanted to like it. I even lowered my expectations accordingly. No luck.

  2. Loved this review, it's by far the best I've read on this movie! Well, except for the part where you say Cameron Diaz is still "super-hot" - please tell me that was an exaggeration, I think she's still attractive but c'mon, get real buddy.

    1. This is awesome.

      I guess 'super-hot' may be overselling it...but I kind of have a thing for Diaz (I blame her role in the first Charlie's Angels for this). And, Mike, buddyyyy...did you see her in that rollerskating number? I almost blacked out.

      Oh man...I'm still cracking up over here. Such a good comment, Mike.

    2. This kind of movie is certainly not going to have any chance to get screened in my country. \
      Well, after reading your review, I'm kinda thankful for that. Rental it, my option is.

    3. If that's the case, you should be filled with a great sense of national pride.

      If only this one wasn't available to be seen in America.

  3. As much as I hate to miss out on a movie that evokes the phrase "boner montage," I'm going to pass on this one.

    1. Wow. Purposefully passing on a 'boner montage'? Impressive restraint.

      But aren't missing much. Could have been better. Much.

  4. Is it sad I was only curious about this movie because of the nudity? Though you may just have sold me on "boner montage." Lol. I'll set those expectations low.

    1. Not sad at all. Well...maybe a little, but I'm not going to point any fingers.

      Whatever your lowest expectation setting is - choose that one. Maybe even see if you can eke out a new personal best, in fact.

  5. Shame to hear Segal is doing shit like this, he is so funny. I hope we will get to see him in something as amusing as Forgetting Sarah Marshal soon

    1. He is very funny. Waaay better than this. Honestly, it may have a lot to do with Diaz, actually. She's incredibly unlikable here...despite the (debatable) hotness.

  6. I'm on the fence about whether or not I'll take this plunge. I've heard from everywhere that it sucka...for a buck and a half (lol). Still, I might just have to see how bad. And for the record, there is one thrilling sequence in "the tape" that gave me all sorts of respect for Tommy Lee. The dude was able to simultaneously drive, operate a handheld camera, and have Pam do THAT to him without crashing.

    1. Usually, I'm a big fan of 'so bad' movies, but this one isn't even good-bad. It's not even bad-bad. It's just plain bad-bad.

      Dude. Every single moment of that tape gave me all sorts of respect for Tommy Lee.

  7. I've gathered that "the weirdest Apple commercial ever" is a good summary for this film and that's the only reason I've wanted to see this. Segel moans about being in HIMYM for years just so he could go out and make this kind of crap? Why? I am hurt. Everywhere. Probably not as hurt as you were after watching this, though.

    So, what else -- I think you should keep a tally and in the end of every year, publish a ratio of comedies/other films and times your wife fell asleep/did not. I'm having trouble remembering if she ever had to suffer through any of these great films you see (Endless Love, yeah?).

    Also YAY!!! I've missed reading your reviews!

    1. It certainly is the weirdest Apple commercial ever, though those old ones with Justin Long might qualify, too. I'm not an Apple guy, at all, and unless you handed me an iPad preloaded with some Diaz-related goodness, I'm all set.

      Segel has to do a lot worse than this for me to truly be done with him. Even a Sex Tape trilogy wouldn't undo the goodness of FSM, not to mention the first Muppet movie. As for HIMYM...well, I've never seen a full episode, so I'll take your passionate musings as a ringing endorsement.

      Oh, I keep that tally sheet...just mentally. Seeing it on paper might make me lose my mind. Friday night, she said we should start with Maleficent, rather than Begin Again. Guess who fell asleep even before Angelina Jolie made an appearance? I'll even give you a hint...