Saturday, January 31, 2015

Single advantage of being me? I'm hard to surprise.

In my illustrious career as a server (despite being referred to as waitress on more than one occasion) I made a killing on drinks. Alcoholic drinks at night, oh yeah, but during the day - it was all about the smoothie. That f--ker was $4.50 and some little shits would have/demand more than one in a sitting. Combine that with a burger and fries and you were looking at dropping twenty bucks easily. And no one ever ate alone.

If you look closely, you can probably see me totally f--king up someone's order.
As for those delicious smoothies, we served the standard flavors: banana, strawberry, pineapple, coconut, peach and mango. And if you pressed me (or were super hot), I'd let you know about the hush-hush flavors of peanut butter, oreo or chocolate. The bartenders hated making those as they basically shat all over the blender.

Anyway, as was often the case, someone would get what they thought was a unique and potentially brilliant idea: what if we go ahead and combine all the flavors? I mean, sure one or two is probably enough, but being that I clearly hate myself, and you, naturally, I'm going to throw caution to the wind and cram as much good things together, ultimately making something horrible and unsatisfying. 


Between you and me, I hated just about every single minute of last fall's This is Where I Leave You. Rented by Mrs. Two Dollar Cinema this past weekend, this movie lands just north of those awful holiday movies that feature 900 celebrities all getting stuck in an elevator. But instead of cashing in on New Year's Eve or Valentine's Day, here the reason for the half-baked hilarity is the, get this, death of their father! Let the party begin!

I wasn't overly familiar with sitting shiva, but according to this movie, it's where a bunch of people who don't look at all related look irritated for a couple of minutes before they go do something hilarious! And while there might have been a decent family dramedy (is that something only assholes say?) tucked under that yarmulke, instead we are left with capable actors acting like idiots. It's like one of those new-school Adam Sandler movies for adults.

Look, I wasn't expecting brilliance, but I was, at the very least, looking for honesty. Unfortunately, anything even remotely bordering something an adult would do was nixed in favor of a moment that would play well in the preview.

I'm convinced that This is Where I Leave You would have been better served as the first three or four episodes in a television show. Maybe it could have been one of those random two-season shows buried deep on Netflix. One of those shows that my mom watches in a day and tells me about for weeks. Sure, you can only mourn for so long, so that angle might have been tough, but this movie isn't really about that anyway. It's about a slew of side stories mixed together to ultimately create an unholy concoction, which I found entirely undrinkable.

Speaking of something you shouldn't consume, with or without alcohol, here are the Yays and Boos. Keep an eye on those two, as I'm not sure they're really guests here.

I can't think of anything more romantic than freezing my balls off.
It might cool off the massive boner though.
Yaaay!
  • Jason Bateman. No matter how bad things get, Bateman manages to still bring a certain level of credibility to everything. In smoothie terms? He's the chocolate, basically able to compliment anything (and you can never really have too much Bateman, you know?).
  • Equally delicious, my imaginary wife Rose Byrne. Yes, everything about her character is awful, but did you see Neighbors? She could show up in This is Where I Still Leave You Last Summer and I would still adore her. That's kind of how I feel about strawberries, too.
  • And finally, Timothy Olyphant. I have no idea why he even showed up in this one (or what the f--k was with his character's subplot), but I really enjoy seeing this guy in just about anything. I don't know what ingredient he'd be, but I do know that the juice is worth the squeeze.
Yep. It's the kind of movie where people go and sit on the roof. 
Boooo!
  • Dax Shepard. I bet he's a nice guy in real life, but he is the worst part of an awful movie. His appearance two minutes in should have prompted an immediate disc ejection, but we pressed on regardless. He is the coconut. I f--king hate coconut.
  • What the Hell was with the younger brother? First, he's a super dick, right? And kind of odd-looking, too. But, obviously, he's got a hot older woman (Connie Britton) who's not a f--king idiot. Does any of this make sense? Smoothie ingredient? Broken glass.
  • Okay, I'm think I'm out of pointless analogies (thank God), but Tina Fey also manages to be quietly awful here, too. Her accent ranges from awful to would anybody miss me if I killed myself? Worse, her whole story is just so unbelievably terrible. Her husband might not even have a name, as he is simply Dickhead on a Phone throughout every precious minute of his time on screen. Consequently,  it appears her marriage is falling apart. Good thing she loves Olyphant, who's playing the guy across the street, Massive Head-wound Horry. But worse, dear reader? Worse? She has a kid who randomly shits anywhere. Kick that one around for a second. Want to punch something, yet? Well...hold on. One time? That little shit actually throws his shit. Because that's what kids do. In bad movies, at least.
  • And finally, Jane Fonda, playing the mother of this awful brood. From her unrelenting openness to discuss all things sexual to her boobs that keep making an (implied!) appearance, I hope she made a lot of money for this role. I can't even type what happens at the end for her character, but let me tell you: It may have been the worst thing I have ever seen. It actually almost bested Mama [review] for the most mind-blowingly terrible ending in cinematic history. But as no one turned into a f--king moth, Mama can sleep peacefully. In Hell.
Trust me, there are a lot more things I could drone on and on about in terms of how much I hated this movie, but there is a lesson to be learned here. Sometimes, no matter how much fun it may be, it's best to not just list everything and hope it works. Whether you're ordering a smoothie, writing This is Where I Leave You, or.creating this post, short and sweet works, too.

And yes, I'm aware that this post was neither. 

15 comments:

  1. Love the smoothie analogies. I had no plans on watching this and you've confirmed my suspicion, so thanks. Sorry you had to take one for the team, though.

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    1. You know, I've been taking a lot for the team lately. No lie, we watched friggin' Mary Poppins...which I'd post about, had I been able to finish it. And then we watched a movie about Mary Poppins. What the Hell is going on around here?

      I appreciate your concern, Dell. I'm going to toast my next smoothie in your direction.

      Delete
  2. I was a server in high school, and I just had an awful dream last night that I messed up an order. I always have weird server dreams, so you opening up the review with this is crazy.

    Anyways, I didn't hate this movie, but it definitely wasn't anything special. Honestly, I've forgotten pretty much all of it by now.

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    1. Holy shit, Brittani. Server dreams? Those were the f--king worst. I'm not sure if I used to dream that I was in my family's dining room in the middle of the night (worrying about tables I hadn't taken care of), or actually ended up there...but that job stressed me the f--k out.

      I'm glad you got something out of it...even if it's simply forgetting the whole thing. I really, really hated it.

      Delete
  3. God, I do not miss my waitressing days. This review is absolutely hilarious, and it's undoubtedly more entertaining than the actual movie. I wonder whether the novel upon which it's based is any good? I've never read anything by Tropper, but he seems to be well regarded as a writer.

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    1. Seriously, I know nothing about the novel, but the fact that it would bring me back to this shit-show is enough for me to set a Waldenbooks on fire immediately. You know...assuming those stores still existed.

      Maybe I'll check out something else by Tropper, if they have his or her work in the prison library.

      Delete
  4. Great review! The movie pretty much botched up the novel it was based on. Tina Fey was so awful in the movie, and the end to Jane Fonda's character does seem out of place maybe because it wasn't subtly referred on too much.

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    1. Thanks! I generally like Tina Fey, but this movie almost destroyed whatever goodwill I harbored for her. It almost seemed as if she was making fun of the character she was playing. I half expected her to wink at the camera.

      Fonda's character drove me nuts, too...but the ending was something else. Something nefarious.

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  5. I've got a confession to make... I actually rented this pile of steaming dog shit. Jason Bateman is an actor whom I thought actually had talent in Hollywood, unfortunately this makes me rethink that. The whole story of 7 days of family hell to mourn the life of their father, only to find out their mother had a thing for another woman while their father was sick? Then we find out the family can't even handle 2 hours together, not to mention 7, it screamed it's desire to become a daytime soap opera! Great review.

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    1. MIKE! You saw this? Ha...that's awesome. And terrible.

      I'm pretty much with you entirely. 'Steaming pile of dog shit' just about does it. Though, at least dog shit comes from dogs. I like dogs (or is that dags?).

      Delete
  6. OMG, your smoothie story is a perfect tie in! Love it. I haven't seen this, but I won't either because every review I read pretty much hates it as much as you do!

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    1. I almost deleted all the smoothie-related nonsense a hundred times...glad you got a kick out of it.

      Everyone should hate it. EVERYONE.

      Delete
  7. I'm not sure what's worse - the fact that I really want to see it because I LOVE Hahn and Olyphant is crazy hot or the fact you hate coconut! Coconut is the best :P

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    1. Whoa whoa whoa. First, be careful here. Olyphant might come down a peg if you actually watch this. Hahn, too. Ah...it's not really their fault, the script is just sooooo bad, really. I mean..it's not coconut bad, but it's close.

      C'mon. No one like coconut. NO ONE.

      Delete