Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Sounds like torture.

Look, I get it.

I just took a new job seventy miles away from my house. I'm not even sure what I'll be doing (or when I'll be doing it), but with the money I'll eventually be making, I'd be foolish not to. I mean, sometimes, no matter how absurd the whole thing might be, you just gotta make some money. F--k what anyone else says.

Then he gets in your pants.
Sure, maybe you don't hear me, but after suffering through 2014's No Good Deed, my man Idris Elba certainly does. Because financial gain can be the only reason a guy that talented (and handsome) ends up in a shit show like this.

For those of you lucky enough to not know, No Good Deed tells the story of Colin, a psychotic killer on the way to his parole hearing. It seems he's responsible for the murder of FIVE YOUNG GIRLS (they say this a lot). He might look and sound like a reformed man, but after ten minutes of a-holes essentially looking into the camera and telling us otherwise, ol' murderous Colin is sent back to prison. Apparently Con Air was overbooked, so this unbelievably soulless bastard is headed back to the pen in something Jim Bob Duggar takes grocery shopping. Good thing this van is helmed by Polite Old Black Guy and Paul Blart's angry cousin. Needless to say, after killing those two f--kers without hesitation, the first of Colin's not good deeds are done. Or his good deeds are not done. Undone? I don't even know what's going on anymore.

Anyway, from here, the film heads to that awful moment where any civilized person watching stands up and politely utters a hearty F--K YOU to the screen. See, Colin, on the way to likely murder more young girls (did I mention he killed FIVE YOUNG GIRLS?) crashes his car due to the overwhelming problem of foggy windshield. He stumbles into the adjacent wonderful neighborhood, and knocks on the door of Terry (a consistently bewildered Taraji P. Henson). Yes, it's raining, and yes Elba's tight shirt is clinging to his rock-hard frame, but there's no way in Hell that this woman allows a stranger into her house. Not only is she not dressed for company, but her husband's out of town and she's home alone with her two small children.

While letting this strange man in her house may be the dumbest shit ever, it might not even crack the top ten of ridiculously stupid things that happen in this one. Honestly, there was a point I thought the actors would just turn to the camera and say we got you, bitches! and the real movie would start, but alas, that was not the case. And despite only clocking in at a scant eighty-four minutes, No Good Deed feels a Hell of a lot longer.

Also overstaying their welcome, are the Yays and Boos. While we were all excited to see a new (to DVD) movie, there was a point where we were hoping a stranger would knock on the door and murder us all. Unfortunately, that sadistic f--k let us finish the flick instead. Dick move, man. Dick move.

I can't decide.
1) I'd have a shovel too, if I was knee deep in this much bullshit.
2) It's fitting he used a shovel to kill a ho.
  • I don't care. I still love Elba. Though, I'll admit, I missed the accent.
  • Dude. His ex-chick was pretty hot. I probably would have made out with her, you know, before smashing her head in with a lamp. Okay, fine. I probably would have made out with after, too. 
  • I like (to look at) Leslie Bibb, so clearly I enjoyed all the weird girl-girl touching. My wife's college friends really need to visit more.
  • Best worst line ever? Where can I smoke....without getting wet?
  • Terry pulls out some pretty sweet trickeration near the end. I was actually hoping she'd climb down the sheets (with a kid in each hand), but her move was marginally less ridiculous.
  • My wife never swears. Well, hardly ever. But when Terry lets him in? F--king IDIOT! Calm down, sailor. Jeez.
  • And finally, even though just about every page of this script should be launched directly into the sun, I will admit I was kind of surprised by the twist. Yes, clearly I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed (I did pay to see this), but I really didn't see that one coming.

  • I really hope you like expository dialogue! See, expository dialogue is when the characters tell us information in an unnatural way, likely because the writer has no other way to explain it.
  • Oh, and I also hope you like it when you are given literal definitions of terms, too. I guess they know that only stupid people would sit through this.
  • Sure, I secretly love them, but holy shit the cliches get out of hand. Husband's out of town? Check. Construction on the house (that won't be finished....um, or relevant)? Check. Huge storm that gets worse at night? Check! What's next? Downed power lines? No cell service? Checking the body for a pulse? A broken window that occurs exclusively to ease the sexual tension?
  • Terry lets him in. Bad. Then, she fixes the cut on his head. Really? I've been alive thirty-five years and not once has someone who f--king knows me ever treated a wound on my head. Though it should be mentioned, I don't think I've ever really cut my head open....but still.
  • Did I mention that Terry used to be a lawyer? And that she used to put away guys who hurt women? Did I also mention that Terry has no f--king clue that Colin is the state's most notorious perpetrator of violence against women?
  • There's this moment when Terry is running that they decide to show us in slow motion. No one's behind her, there is no imminent threat, but apparently this woman navigating a f--king hallway needs to be shown at half speed.
  • Bibb plays her dopey college BFF...who happens to live next door? The f--k?
  • That bit with the car alarm going off at random. Someone turn the alarm off, please. Then, kindly run over my eyes with that vehicle.
  • This is kind of a Yay, but Colin forces Terry to stand in the shower with him. Yep. That's what you get, lady. You want to blast me in the face with a fire extinguisher? Now you gotsta watch me scrub my balls. Lesson learned, I'd say.
  • We get two 'f--k yous' in this one. Back-to-back, in fact. I thought there was a limit of one f-bomb in a PG-13 flick? If we're making exceptions, couldn't we have got a titty or something? 
  • And finally, me, m. brown. I really want to watch good movies. I promise. But I can't stay awake anymore. With short ones, I at least have a chance. Why does every short movie have to suck so hard? Please help. Please. 
Okay, even though you may be reading this in the morning, I have to get my sorry ass to bed. My two children are safely sleeping in their beds, and I'm going to tuck myself in for the night. Well, unless a handsome stranger knocks on my door and needs to use my phone of course. 


  1. LOL!!! You're "we got you, bitches" comment had me literally LOL...

    I was surprised by all the tweets on Twitter talking about how this movie was great...and then I realized that they were tweets by teenage black girls that Taraji P. Henson kept retweeting. Yeah, I won't be seeing this.

    1. Ah, thanks man. I'm so glad you still bother to come here. I gotta repay the love.

      Dude, I never heard shit about this one on Twitter, but then again, my feed is basically Tom Brady stats and the occasional picture of a naked woman. Maybe I should check on Henson though...cause that shit sounds hysterical.

  2. LOL. I love the Jim Bob Duggar reference. :) This movie sounds terrible, and I love me some Idris Elba (I'm binge watching The Wire right now) I hope he got paid well.

    1. It's probably so bad it's great, but I was kind of secretly hoping for something a little more...mediocre. I expected more from Elba, honestly. Like, if I found out this movie was made in 2007 and just now saw the light of day...that wouldn't surprise me at all, you know. I'm pretty sure that's not the case...

  3. Well to be fair lawyers do not have an access to the database of criminals....and if Idris Elba knocked on my door I would let him in. I do not care if he is covered in blood and holding person's severed head.

    1. Hold on, counselor. This lady not knowing the state's most notorious inmate (or some such shit) is like a basketball fan not knowing who LeBron James is. It's possible, I guess...but still.

      That severed head line cracked me up. I mean, he's holding a severed head?. Impressive. I mean, he's not even trying, no no, he's doing the f--king opposite actually, and he still gets a warm welcome from you.

      Love it.

    2. That guy could be in the courthouse I work in for a trial and I wouldn't know :P They have criminal trials on the ground level of the place so that the inmates don't need to walk next to all that freakshow that goes through divorce on the first floor where those trials are. I'm not sure for whose protection that is...probably the inmates.

      Christ, I hate my job.

      Unless it's a dog's head. Then it's bye bye Idris.

    3. This is the best comment ever.

    4. Definitely the best comment ever! This whole thread made me insanely laugh-out-loud happy, but this last comment was priceless.

  4. Ironically I was just talking to someone about this movie, they were praising it for some ungodly reason (I seriously don't think they have even seen it) while I was still undecided on whether it's worth a rent. With your perspective in mind, I think I'm going to pass...

    1. I would love to know how anyone could praise this movie having never seen it.


      That makes perfect sense actually.

  5. Oh dear! I am 99% sure I couldn't sit through this movie, even for Idris Elba. Not even if he were stark naked through half the movie ... Meh. Who am I kidding?

    On the positive side, I do love reading a kick-ass, wonderfully written negative review. It's hilarious. I dearly love your blog.

    1. Oh, and by the time I got to the Jim Bob Duggar reference, I was laughing hysterically. My kids thought I'd gone wacko.

    2. First, I'm not sure I could sit through this movie if he were stark naked half of the movie. I mean, 42 minutes of man-junk is likely more than I'd be comfortable with. 30-35, okay. But not a minute more, okay?

      Thank you for the kind words as always. I'm not going to bs you and say that I'm not trying to make you laugh. Obviously, I'll type just about anything to do so. Even the occasional Jim Bob reference if need be. (how f--king nuts is that guy?)

    3. My husband is not overly fond of onscreen man-junk either, but I point out to him that an occasional full-frontal male moment is the trade-off for all the titties he gets to see on our T.V.. Which reminds me that I need to check and see when the latest Game of Thrones DVDs are available for purchase.

      I don't follow the Duggars closely, but that whole patriarchal God Wants Me to Be the Alpha Male thing is, obviously, too sickening for words. And the fact that his wife is MY AGE -- for God's sake -- and hasn't retired her uterus yet gives me the willies.

    4. Ah, the man-junk for titties swap. Easily in my top 5 of life's trade-offs.

      The Duggars are quietly the creepiest thing on TV. Honestly, do you think Jim Bob is batting 1.000 or do those two just go at it non-stop? Yikes. Feel free to pass some of those willies my way.

    5. Sometime you'll have to share the other 4. ;-)

  6. Great review! This looks like it's so bad but good. Poor Elba. Looks like it should've went direct to dvd.