Wednesday, March 9, 2016

That's a lot of dead whores.

Some guys like the Grammys. That's cool. I mean, I appreciate them, respect them...but they're not something that turns my head. Same goes for the Emmys. Congrats on those. You should be proud.

Other guys like the Oscars. Or the Tonys. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

But me? As long as I can remember, it's the Globes that I'm obsessed with. Those wonderful, wonderful...Golden Globes.
Do you notice a sign in the front of my house that says Dead Hooker Storage?
I don't think Everly, a small-time action-flick (starring a then 47-year-old Salma Hayek) garnered much attention during the 2014 award season, but damned if I couldn't take my eyes off it. Well, when I could keep them open, anyway. Loud, stupid and utterly f--king ridiculous, director Joe Lynch's flick is like ordering a 10 piece from McDonalds. Yeah, they're might be some breast meat in there, but also a lot of awful bullshit, too.

Hayek plays the titular Everly, who just so happens to be a total f--king whore. No, not like, she's a slut or anything, she's just the finest piece of tail in a stable of prostitutes hired/kidnapped by some mysterious members of the Japanese mob. Things go tits up, and Everly finds herself having to shoot and stab her way out of the top dude's penthouse. This wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, except that there's an infinite number of goons and rival whores looking to knock her up off.

And that's before her mom and estranged daughter show up and join the fray. Because that's who you'd invite to a shootout: your bitter f--king mom and your adorable four-year-old daughter. Trust me, neither of these ladies are your Huckleberry.

For whatever reason (ahem, Hayek's f--king gorgeous), I had been lusting after this one for months. High-paced action and low-cut tops seemed to be a formula for success, but as I slogged my way through Everly, fewer and fewer f--ks were given. Yes, Salma Hayek is as hot as ever, and yes, Best Supporting Actor goes to her unsupported breasts, but after my FIFTH attempt at completing this ninety-minute movie, I just wanted it to end. Maybe a caffeinated re-watch is in order, but as this film routinely kept me from that sweet bliss of not being awake, but I actually grew to hate this f--ker.

Say it ain't so, m.brown. Say it ain't so...

Well, it is, Italics Guy, it is, as yours truly has been struggling for weeks to do anything movie related. Whether that's a Yay or a Boo depends on you, but if you've made it this far, I think I can guess which way you're leaning.

Let me go ahead and update the "how I want to die"
section of my Twitter bio.
  • The title of that opening shot: naked and afraid.
  • So...the first ten minutes? Uh, is it called a slip? Whatever the term, I uh...liked it.
  • That British chick next door was pretty hardcore, right? She kind of looked like a less-jacked Serena Williams.
  • Easily locking in a spot in my personal top ten of couch-bound characters, Recently Shot Asian Guy was super cool. Even if he looks like the Crazy 88's accounting intern.
  • Sometimes it's a Boo, but today, I'm putting my hands together for someone getting shot in the dick. I know, I could never run for President being this wishy-washy. I mean, if you can't lock down your stance on dick shots...
  • There's a fairly rad shotgun + hand grenade combo move that I was certainly a fan of. Oh, and the solution to that math problem? Splash.
  • I'm not a big drinker (as in, ever), but I'm pretty sure there was something wrong with the sake.
  • Ooh. Wet Hayek. 
  • Fine, it's dumb as f--k, but we're treated the awesomeness of Hayek disappearing into the floorboards at one point. Only to reemerge like a f--king sexy Wack-a-Mole, shooting the shit out of Alpha Team's ankles, of course.
  • Remember, I spend my days 'teaching' writing, where too many children refuse to use end punctuation. Like, absolutely refuse. The scriptwriters have no such problem, as apparently instead of periods of question marks, every sentence in this film ends with motherf--ker
  • And finally, my hands-free salute to a screen legend. Even if I didn't really like this damn movie, let me put my sweaty hands together for Salma Hayek, ass-kicker. There was a minute or two where I thought she'd ride off into the sunset playing only Adam Sandler's wife in shitty comedies, but that is not the case, mi amigo. She's still more than capable of taking lives and giving boners. 
Spoiler Alert: This dude doesn't make it.
  • Job creation is great, even with a trace of nepotism, but when the bad guy says he'll spare your daughter...only to make her a whore, I'm going to have to lean toward a firm Thanks, but no thanks.
  • Everly's giant tats (I spelled that right) Look, Lovely Female Reader, there's probably no chance you and me will ever share oxygen, let alone something more, but can I just tell you, giant tattoo? Major turn off. Totally distracts from the awesomeness of your naked body. Unless the tattoo is of another naked woman, naturally.
  • Apparently grenades do not hurt Everly. Bum her out, yes. But actual pain? Nope.
  • Hey, a sexy late forty year old fronting an action film? Super progressive. But when she has to scrub the dead hooker brains out of the carpet? I feel like we're taking a step back here.
  • Yo, that is not the hole I want to see diddled in the shower.
  • Uh, Everly's mom isn't old enough. Like, they didn't even try.
  • Uh, and Everly's little daughter? Way too f--king adorable. Like, they're trying way too hard.
  • While I'm quite positive Hayek's dodged more than one incoming assault, my soul kind of broke in half when she sidestepped a rocket-propelled grenade. 
  • So, Too Young Mom? Hate to break it to you, but that ageless bitch gets sniped. And while the mother of the main character (and primary childcare provider for Little Girl) is lying there bleeding out, I'm totally out of the moment because of Hayek's monstrous cleavage is enveloping the entire scene.
  • And finally, I was simply too f--king tired to make sense of any of this. While this movie truly took me five attempts, two of those were instant comas. But the other three times? I was making way too many deals. Okay, so I'll just close this eye...for like, two seconds. Maybe this one, too. For a ten seconds. Flllluurrrsfggggggg....

Actually, I started watching this movie before the Oscars were televised and that snooze-worthy ceremony seems as if it was weeks ago, not just a few days.

Oh, it was weeks ago, you say?


I must have it confused with the Globes.


  1. Awwww man...Say it ain't so, m.brown. Say it ain't so...

    I had so much fun watching this, partly because it was balls-to-the-wall and partly because...well...Hayek. I will agree with one thing for sure, though. That is NOT the hole I want to see diddled in the shower. Ewww.

    1. I'm stoked that you liked it, Hell, I wish I did, too. But I'd be hard-pressed to find any movie enjoyable considering it took me FIVE sittings to conquer. And this one has sexy Hayek killing droves of random f--kers. This should have been my favorite.

      But, clearly, I let the team down.

      Guess I'll go hit the showers.

  2. LOL! Spoiler Alert: I won't ever watch this.

    At least your review was entertaining. And who isn't a fan of golden globes...I mean Golden Globes.

    1. Yeah, I figured after that poignant Carol post that Everly may not exactly be at top of your must-watch list. Especially when you factor in re-watching Chi-raq a couple of more times.


  3. "as yours truly has been struggling for weeks to do anything movie related." - yeah what is going on? :(

    I fear this is the kind of a movie one only sees to admire the lead and I do not like Salma enough to do it :)

    1. Honestly, Sati, I have no idea. A couple of getaways with the wife, some heaps of work-related bullshit, and a heavy dose of not being able to stay the f--k awake.

      Yeah, no worries on not catching this one. Even with a boner grande for Ms. Hayek, I still wouldn't recommend it. Though...he liked it! *points at Dell and runs*

  4. OMG I had to scroll past that picture of the random dude so fast. Whatever is going on with his hands, trypophobia is real. lol. I can't look at it. I'm pretty sure Dell reviewed this one recently too and I decided I will be skipping it. Hell of a title for the review though.

    1. Yeah, that shit is pretty gnarly. Probably the worst sake-bomb ever.

      Ha! The title was a line of spoken dialogue that was said TWICE!

      Oh, and no doubt skip the shit out of this one.