Sunday, December 4, 2016

Moms don't quit!

Don't tell anyone, but being Dad is the best. Wouldn't trade it for the world.

Oh, not like, actually having kids or anything, as they're a huge pain in the ass, but more in the simple fact that I'm not Mom. Cause being Mom? F--king blows.

Mom ends up with all the dirty work, and it starts from day one - Hell, moment one. From the second that adorable parasite passes through the ring of fire, Mom is at Current Threat Level Red for the rest of her life. Her brain will be consumed by not only being the lifetime CEO of a small dysfunctional company, er, family, but she'll also have all the responsibilities of a functioning adult, too.

And, well, she'll have to know where everything (and everyone) is at all times. Always. Because the rest of us are incapable of looking. Or caring. Or caring to look.

But Dad? When he inadvertently looks up from his phone? He might roll up his sleeves and pitch in.

I mean, these Redbox movies aren't gonna rent themselves.

Bad Moms isn't a bad movie, but it could have been much, much better. A clunky ode to modern motherhood, this little flick takes an idea ripe for relevant satire and instead goes for full-raunch and cheap laughs. It could have taken place in reality and perhaps meant something, but instead exists in a world that might as well have been recorded in front of a live studio audience! But we're not firing up Bad anything (be it Moms, Santa, Ass, Grandpa, or Lieutenant) for realism, are we? Of course not. We just want to see rotten people do rotten things. And in that regard, Moms delivers.

Amy (Kunis) is a relatively young mom. She has two ungrateful kids and f--king dog stricken with vertigo. Her husband is a tool and let's just say that it's not his weight he's constantly pulling. Eventually Amy has had enough of everyone's bullshit, and basically abandons her family. No, she doesn't go out for some cigarettes and never come back (isn't that Bad Dad's finishing move?), but instead stops giving a f--k about everything. She's pretty much Peter from Office Space, you know? Except with way better tits...

Amy is living the f--king dream. She quits her job, makes some like-minded friends, goes out drinking and even bangs the hottest dad on the block. Good times, right? Well, sort of. Along her journey of self-discovery (no pervs, not that kind of journey...unfortunately) Amy realizes that all moms need to be free like her and decides to run for president of the PTA. There, theoretically, she can spread her message to all the other moms out there struggling to keep it together. Striving for perfection is pointless! Live, bitches, live! (uh, that's paraphrased...poorly).

These are my kind of ladies...well, outside of the noise and gesticulations.
It's a movie theater for f--k's sake. This ain't the roller derby.
Unfortunately, hyper-bitch/Stepford Wife Gwendolyn (Christina Applegate, ugh) ain't hearing this noise, and destroys her uprising before it can even start. Let the silly movie madness begin...

...and the Yays and Boos, too, while we're at it. Typical dudes, they were just sitting there doing nothing, until they saw your car pull up. Go ahead, touch the vacuum. Even though it's on, for whatever still feels cold.

I'm pretty sure that's not how you hang a bra up.
(they go on doorknobs, right?)
  • Kristen Bell is pretty awesome here, playing the overworked/undersexed mom, Kiki. For the most part, she even seems like an actual person. At first.
  • Holy shit. I thought public school teachers were the only people who have the car crash fantasy.
  • Man, you put slo-mo debauchery to Icona Pop's I Love It and that shit's amazing, you know? But combine all that in a grocery store? Straight magic.
  • Turns out my wife's best bra is an old maternity bra that you'd expect to find on the clothesline at a retirement community. The Yay? Well, other than we're talking about boobs? Same thing goes for Kunis' Amy, too. This bra will be the death of your vagina. (I may have laughed a little too hard at this joke)
  • I'm not sure if this is a Boo or not, but when Mom packs Arby's for lunch? Amazing. I mean, yeah, she's given up entirely, sure. But...on the other hand? Motherf---king Arby's, right? That's like, my second favorite roast beef. 
  • You call your friend to see if they want to go to the movies...and they're already there? Belinda Carlisle was right. Heaven is a place on Earth.
  • There's a point where all the typical moms are rattled off and it almost killed me. They came in too fast for me to jot down, but I do recall Huge Areola mom being one that, well, stuck out.
  • A certain celebrity shows up for a few minutes, and honestly, I was pretty f--king stoked to see her. Not that I'm a fan or anything, but, it made for some solid comedy. I start my day with six of these. 
  • Speaking of being absolutely f--king shocked to see a familiar face, but who knew J.J. Watt was so f--king funny? No lie, even a movie with some fairly hot moms...this dude may have been my favorite part. Those shitty Papa John's commercials do this (gigantic) man no justice.
  • The real moms at the end was a rather solid touch, you know? Well done.
  • And finally, even though she plays that character that (hopefully) only exists in bad movies, let me put my sweaty hands together for Kathryn Hahn's performance as Carla, the mostly-drunk mother who doesn't give a f--k. Yes, occasionally she veers into some cringe-worthy shit, but without her we're down at least three-quarters of the (albeit cheap) laughs. Bonus points for her ra-ra speech at the end. I'm crossing my fingers they play that over the loudspeaker at the next minor league baseball game I attend. Get those tits up!
These three characters are f--king terrible in their own special way.
The worst one? Anybody got a blindfold and safety pin?
  • All the initial (poorly presented) information about Amy is a bit infuriating. She's 32. She has a job...for a rad internet company...where she works part time. Ugh.
  • That part where the husband was always on his phone at dinner? Yeah. Thanks for that. (oh f--k you, it's not always...but sometimes. Occasionally. Fine. I'm a dick. Happy?) *runs to his room* *gets on phone*
  • That 70's...bush. Goodness. Must be really cold on the ol' dairy farm, huh?
  • Fishtailing in Daddy's Special Car? Uhh...really? Cool. You're a stressed mom, I get it. Maybe the safety of your children isn't exactly one of the things you should relax on?
  • Dude, I've heard that DNCE song a gajillion times. Check that. I've heard the edited version of that song a gajillion times. Who knew?
  • Uh...guys walk away from Kunis at the bar because she's acting too much like a mom. Oh, right. That makes sense. Shit. She could be acting too much like my dad and I ain't goin' anywhere.
  • Could I go down on you again? F--k off, Jay Hernandez. Go throw fireballs at Kirsten Dunst, you handsome a-hole. (sorry, I could only think of two other Jay Hernandez movies)
  • Oh, they're at a friend's house is movie code for where are her f--king kids, again? Seriously, I don't know what Amy's complaining about, as her little shits seem to never be home.
  • But when they are? Good God. I wanted punch myself in the nuts. (the son is bad, but the daughter is the f--king worst)
  • I guess PTA elections happens whenever the Hell the plot needs them to.
  • And finally, the ending. How about just once, one time, not every single person in the movie learns a valuable life-lesson and comes out ahead because of it. Seriously. Can't someone shitty, remain shitty? Bad Moms may set the record for life-affirming changes of character. Actually, I did too, come to think of it. I sat down a pretty happy guy. But by the end of the film? Raging asshole.

While the full-frontal nudity and constant f-bombs didn't make me uncomfortable, the truths about how f--king hard it is to be a mom certainly did. There's a lesson here, I'm sure of it. You should, wait. Your mom is the most...hold on. Be thankful that your mom, thankful that....dammit. I don't know what I'm trying to say.

Let me check my phone real quick...


  1. I lol'd at your comment about moms being a CEO of a small dysfunctional family. That feels about right sometimes.

    I thought the previews of this looked so bad, but it seems it's not as awful as it could've been, though you pointed out it's not good either. I'm not sure if I'll see it. I kind of want to go see Moana again though lol.

    1. I endlessly applaud you as a mother. It's an impossible job that no guy could ever handle. We're co-pilots at best. But you ladies are the ones flying the plane.

      Man, I really screwed up not loving Moana, huh? The world has a collective boner for that film and I'm over here like a total dick saying, 'eh', huh? Damn pseudo Hawaiian heritage. Always screws me over.

  2. I really enjoyed this, but I expected it to be a steaming pile of...well you know. Kathryn Hahn was hilarious!
    But I'm with you on the boos, I lost count of how many times I had to ask myself 'where are the goddamn kids??'
    - Allie

    1. Allie!!!

      I think assuming the worst may work in this film's favor, as I too expected a flaming bag of cat poop, but instead it was just a small turd in a litter box. (Um, I think that means it was exactly what I a good way). Hahn's character was super ridiculous, but she still killed it. Funny stuff.

      Dude, those kids were totally out of the picture. I have two kids. I haven't spent that much time away from then in the entire time they've been on the planet. Amy? That chick had like weeks off from those little bastards.

  3. Finally a review of a movie I've seen! :) Excellent review of a rather enjoyable comedy (better than some of the comedies we've got recently).

    From one father to the other, I agree with your comment, Dads are the best! :)

    1. What? Really? I didn't think anyone had really seen this one. I'm stoked you liked it, but I would probably put it in the 'okay' category. I watched this one on the first night of Thanksgiving break, so I was in a pretty good mood. I actually shocked I didn't love that I think about it.

      Dude, Dads ARE the best. (but moms kick ass, too)

  4. "that adorable parasite passes through the ring of fire"

    I spend half my time on this website doing a double check of what I read and wondering if I'm perverted for seeing a metaphor or if you are and you actually used that metaphor for what I'm thinking :P

    Oh Lord. As we established because of Stepmom I'm probably never getting married but if my husband so much looked at the phone during dinner I'd go full Amy Dunne on him

    1. Oh, the ring of fire is a medical term. No perverted metaphor...that time. I think. (can I assume the other half of your time is counting typos and pointless stories?)

      Whoa, whoa. Whoa. Full Amy Dunne? That seems a bit excessive, no? Doogie Howser gets his throat slit because of a quick Twitter check? Harsh.