No one wants to see your dick, dude.

I get it ladies. I do. And I don't think there's anything to be ashamed of. In fact, as long as I can remember, I knew there was something a little bit different about me. Yep. It's true.


I love dicks.

Especially the handsome pair featured in Shane Black's consistently hilarious 2016 comedy, The Nice Guys. Criminally under-seen and brimming with one great bit after another, Ryan Gosling and Russell Crowe knock it out of the f--king ballpark. If it's not the outright funniest movie of the year, it's pretty damn close.

Los Angeles in the late seventies was a pretty gnarly mix of sex, drugs and rock n' roll. And pornography. Somewhere way down from the bright lights of the Hollywood sign, we find two rival private detectives, Jackson Healy (Crowe, kicking ass) and Holland March (Gosling, also kicking ass) balls deep in unsavory types, you know, deplorables. Healy's the type of guy that's going to talk with his fists, while Holland's more likely to talk out of his ass. When unforeseen circumstances force these two together, things go from pretty f--king funny, to no, no. I just spilled my drink in my lap. (and yes, I just happened to be drinking piss).

Crowe plays the strong, silent type as well as he ever has, but surprising no one, Gosling is the real star of the show. March is more or less a total piece of shit, but he's an insanely likable turd that we can root for rather easily. Combining his total lack of scruples as a detective with his efforts to be a responsible single father, elevate the character (and the film) to something beyond what you'd typically expect from a buddy-cop flick. Oh, and he never utters a bad line....ever.

If you've got Maximus and the Driver asking you questions, my advice is to just f--king talk already, you know?

While I don't have an issue remembering how funny the film was, the actual nuts and bolts of the plot are another story. Perhaps a tad too complicated for us slow types, Healy and March have quite the case to solve. What started out as the apparent death of a pornstar, eventually escalates into something in the neighborhood of a full-blown government conspiracy. It's not to say I didn't like the story, but there was a point where I asked the person to next to me if they knew what was going on, and they were totally silent in response. Fine, she had fallen asleep ten minutes in, but still.

Also on the verge of falling asleep at any moment, are the Yays and Boos. I'm going to snap those f--kers into shape real quick, as we've got a date with Darth Vader later on this evening. I'm sure he's going to be looking for answers too, but he's a little more hands-off in his approach, huh?

Usually getting in the tub fully dressed in romantic.

YAAAAAaaaaaAAAAAAY!

• My wife almost shit her pants when that car came crashing through the house. That'll keep her awake, I thought...for now.
• It's not only the words, but also the sounds that come out of Gosling that totally cracked me up. Though to be fair, I don't think I'd sound like a man either, having my arm politely broken. 
• The bowling party scene was one of my favorites. No, I didn't, Janet.
• Which is followed by the bit in the bathroom stall (heavily featured in the trailer), a scene that I could probably watch on repeat for the rest of my life. Close your eyes!
• There's too many, but here are some of my favorite lines:
• You want me to finger her, so you can throw acid in her face?
• The young lady. The porno young lady.
• What the f--k is this, Chet? (this scene is fantastic, too)
• Don't paint her with that brush.
• I'm sorry you look Filipino.
• Goodness, the scene where they meet the protesters almost took my life I was laughing so hard.
• As did the bit with the kid on the bicyle. That kid, in three minutes, may be the collest f--king dude in all of California. Twenty bucks to see it? Hell, I'll give him forty not to show me. I mean, you're already 900 times cooler than me, kid. No sense rubbing it in.
• Don't say 'and stuff' is possibly one of the funniest running gags in recent memory.
• That Bartender Guy was super helpful, wasn't he?
• Gosling's German is pretty f--king rad, I must admit.
• And finally, the holy shit, did that just happen? star of the show? Angourie Rice as Holly, March's no-bullshit daughter. In just about every scene this young lady finds herself, she nails it. Easily going toe-to-toe with Gosling and Crowe, Rice creates a super smart movie kid, that still feels like someone who actually walks this planet. 

Of all the things I don't want to see when I open the door to a public toilet?
Ryan Gosling holding a pistol isn't one of them.

Boooooooooo!

• At least that kid showed some class when that chick ends up through her windshield...tits out. I think the blood flow to the part of me that allows for mourning was compromised for a minute. Or two.
• That was a lot of blood. No, really. Yeah, I laughed and all....but thinking about that makes me want to throw up. F--k...
• Note to self: don't ever teach your daughter what a rimshot is. That way, she can't confuse it with the other thing in conversation (poor Holly).
• This is actually a Yay, but I swear, everyone in this movie, if they aren't a f--king asshole, then they're a total dickhead (and I loved them for it).
• What the Hell was that huge party? Unicorns and whores? That's just greedy. I'd be happy if one of my parties had either, let alone both.
• But the more cool shit you have, the more likely things go awry, huh? I'm pretty sure I saw Groot take a bullet!
• Blue Face Guy? That's no way to die, man. Well, either way, I suppose.
• Kim Basinger and Russell Crowe together in a film about old-school Los Angeles? Again? YES! Oh, wait. Basinger doesn't seem that interested this time. Dammit. 
• I get Healy, I do. But I really wasn't a fan of you lying to Holly, man. Not in the least.
• And finally, me. And you. F--k it. All of us. I hear nothing but great things about this movie, fail to see it in the theaters, finally redeem myself, right? Feel like I'm back to being a part of society for a minute, right? Well, then I go online and I read some reviews and guess what? People are shitting all over this movie. What the Hell is going on around here? Can't we have nice things?

One of the first detective movies I ever really loved was Warren Beatty's oddly chromatic (and oddly titled) Dick Tracy. I saw that one in the theater when I was eleven (and was totally obsessed with the soundtrack...which featured a lot of Madonna, if I remember correctly). But the two sleuths that likely started it all for me? The guys I couldn't get enough of?

Chip 'N Dale.



Pretty sure I spelled that right.