If you see Bigfoot, shoot him.

Despite that awesome footage of him traipsing through the woods and sternly looking back over his shoulder, I unequivocally do not believe in Bigfoot.

I've seen some pretty rad documentaries about ol' Sasquatch in my day, which while utterly hysterical (I wish I could track down a certain one that made me almost piss in my pants), didn't necessarily convince me there's a giant man-thing pantslessly skulking about North America.

Nope. Sorry.
No f--king chance he's real.

See, while there is basically zero legit proof that Bigfoot actually exists, and I'm utterly convinced he doesn't, I'm buying the fact that that hairy f--ker breathes the same air I do infinitely more than than the notion that an actual human being wrote and f--king made something called Pottersville. 

And I watched it. From start to finish.

As unfathomable as all of the above is, take a hairy dump in your hand and multiply that shit by 900, as you try to wrap your mind around the fact that Michael Shannon is the f--king star of Pottersville. 

Michael. Shannon. *deep breath*

Shannon, in a film I'm convinced was co-produced by the Hallmark and SyFy Channels, stars as Maynard, the affable proprietor of the general store in Bumf--k, New Hampshire Pottersville, NY. Naturally, the darn mill has closed and the town is struggling through another chilly holiday season. Aww. And on a whim, Maynard closes shop a bit early, only to head home to find his wife having an affair with the local sheriff. Sort of. Anyway, Maynard does what all of us would do, dons a cheaply made Bigfoot costume and saves the f--king town. 

What the f--k are you talkin' bout, Mr. B?


Look, man...even I don't know at this point. I cranked this one up during my week-long holiday break where I didn't give a f--k about anything...and never looked back. I'm always up for some weird shit, but this was like the ultimate private joke that I simply wasn't in on.

I don't care what none of y'all say, I still love her. Er, him.

Oh, there's a bit of intrigue in the utter bewilderment that such a film like Pottersville is currently streaming on Netflix, and all you have to do is press play to be a part of it. I get that. And yes, the cast is straight bananas, and the whole idea of the film is crazy enough it just might work. 

But it doesn't. In almost any way possible.

Not bad enough to be great, and not good enough to be okay, please don't let your curiosity get the best of you. Imagine the actual Bigfoot is bearing down on you, with his likely giant, prehistoric wang violently flopping in your general direction. You want to take a look, because of course you do, but don't. Put your head down, and haul your beautiful ass in the other direction. You can thank me later.

But before anybody thanks anybody, here are the Yays and Boos one more time in actual 2017. Even if they aren't a menacing man-beast, skulking about in the woods, you still might want to keep your distance, you know?

They're looking at the marquee of the one theater that screened Pottersvile.

Yaaaaaaaay!

• Goodness, do I love Judy Greer. She's so lovely.
• Maybe I was high on gingerbread, but holy shit, this film is beautiful. I can't think of any film I've seen recently that looked so warm and inviting as this one. The one about Bigfoot. At Christmas.
• Thomas Lennon plays a Steve Irwin-type, and I have to admit, I mildly enjoyed his character. 
• I also enjoyed his hot-ass assistant, played by Greta Lee. Rowr.
• Sucky movie or not, I'm always up for some added Bigfoot lore. Apparently, 'Squatches use tree sap to fuel their vigorous libidos. *immediately heads to trees in backyard*
• At one point, Greer invites Shannon to her house to watch a movie and hang out. But ol' Maynard, well, he claims he ain't got time for that. Dude. THERE'S ALWAYS TIME FOR GREER. Always.
• The whole moonshine-fueled alien-fugitive conversation may have made this entire project worth it. Okay, not by a long shot, but I loved that scene regardless.
• And finally, no matter what you ever have to say about Pottersville, at least it's known as the film where Christina Hendricks is dressed in a bunny suit. Oh, it's not a sexy bunny suit, not in the least, but it's Hendricks. So, yeah. I almost blacked out. There isn't a costume in the world that can contain all that...goodness. 

I had all of these faces during Pottersville.
But mostly Perlman's.

Boooooooo!

• So, Maynard catches his wife cheating, right? In the aforementioned bunny suit, no less? Two Boos, here. One, they are not having sex (her and Hellboy). Two, who cheats on the nicest guy in town?
• Good thing Maynard's store sells shitty Bigfoot costumes, or else we'd have no story. Wait, what?
• Remember how I liked Thomas Lennon? Well, I would have liked him more if he were Rhys Darby. Then that damn Yeti song might've featured a Conchord or two.
• Were they making a joke about Bale and the lighting guy from Terminator: Salvation? Cutting edge shit, guys. For reals.
• You know, I don't think I've ever spent this much time with Michael Shannon. Ever. Shitty, right? It's kind of like when people meet your kids and their being little a-holes. No really, they're good kids. I swear. (most of the time)
• Any time the Furry Sex Club shows up, I immediately wanted to dress like the ass end of a horse and throw myself of the roof of a barn. Even if it was somehow charming on set, you had to see in post that it was a total unfunny disaster. And trust me, I know unfunny disasters.
• That's how the town learns their lesson? By being dicks to the nicest guy in the world? Mmkay.
• And finally,.............................why? Why? Why? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

For the holiday season, only Home Alone and Elf are required viewing in my house. We watch them every year, probably a half a dozen times each. Somehow, I don't think I'll be making Pottersville an integral member of my holiday movie lineup in the years to come, but as a chance sighting, I guess I'm not too upset about it.


I mean, I saw it once...
....it ended quickly,
....and I made it out alive, able to describe what happened. But do I ever want to see it again?

Nope. Sorry.
No f--king chance.