A job interview.
A vacation. With the kids.
There have been many other times in my life where I have desperately waited for something to begin (for what felt life forever), only to find myself minutes later, adamantly begging for its immediate conclusion.
I know they can't hear you scream in space, but can they hear you snore?
Maybe The Last Jedi wasn't boring top-to-bottom, but holy shit did I lose interest quickly. In a f--king Star Wars movie, for f--k's sake. After patiently waiting since J.J. Abrams dropped the charmingly nostalgic The Force Awakens [review] a couple years back, I found myself (surprisingly) quite antsy in the weeks and days leading up to Episode VIII. Now, I don't have Chewbacca's face tattooed above my johnson, nor Jar Jar's bisected across my buttcheeks, but I'm a thirty-eight year old man with an eight year old son. I hold the galaxy far, far away close, close to my heart.
Turns out I like my space operas with a little more space, and a lot less opera.
The Force Awakens, however you felt about it, at the very least set the stage. A new cast of interesting characters was introduced, and each was given enough cool shit to do that we actually cared about them, you know? There was intrigue, mystery and even a few laughs, as Rey, Finn and Poe fought the good fight with Han, Chewie and Leia. Sure, killing off one of the best characters in the history of the written word was an epic dick-punch, but it felt like it mattered, and more importantly, I actually gave a shit. Like, a really big shit. Maybe even too big of a shit.
Speaking of steaming turds, it didn't take long for the wheels to fall off The Last Jedi, as the moments after the admittedly kick-ass opening dogfight quickly let us know that yes, it's going to be that kind of party. The dire straights are cranked to eleven, as Poe is seemingly stoked that his hotshot antics are going to win the war at the cost killing all his culturally-diverse friends in the process. Bad Poe! Be patient like Princess Leia, or she'll fly through space with her fire extinguisher like Wall-E in a hippie wedding gown and furrow her f--king brow and stare off into the distance.
Meanwhile, Rey finally, FINALLY hands that lightsaber to Luke Skywalker...and he promptly tosses it over his shoulder like someone handed Salma Hayek a signed picture of Harvey Weinstein. Turns out Luke was right in not giving a f--k, because agonizingly/instantly, neither did I. Outside of an epic f--king redemption scene, Luke gets totally, totally wasted in this movie. And that's before he floats off the clothesline...
|Even if this clash ended abruptly, this still alone (almost) makes it all okay.|
And our last story, well, one of the other stories (I lost count at infinity), features the fairly kickass John Boyega doing...stuff. I think. Finn gets stuck holding the bag, in arguably the worst/most pointless scene in any Star Wars film to date. But more on that in a bit.
Honestly, I don't even know where to go from here. Part of me thinks that Rian Johnson's entry is easily the worst of the bunch, while another part of me thinks that ranking Star Wars movies is an excruciatingly pointless endeavor. Then I realize I'm typing a blog, and I quietly head back to my corner and hope nobody looks me in the eye.
Maybe I'missing something and I really need to see The Last Jedi again (unlikely...though Movie Pass might say otherwise), as there are droves of (f--ked up) people who claim it's the best Star Wars movie yet. But maybe those assholes have been huffing Porg farts and drinking straight from the teet of that exhausted sea monster, and I should instead just re-watch the Vader scene from Rogue One [review] instead. Most likely? I'll meet everyone in the middle by watching Return of the Jedi while drinking eggnog with the Yays and Boos.
|You're right, Chewie. They look delicious.|
- Oh, Poe. You rascal. 'Twas a big fan of all your Hux-related tomfoolery, I mus' say.
- And BB-8! I missed that adorable bastard. His opening scene where he's fixing everything was hilarious. Lighter thumbs-up for that dude (especially in his disguise!)
- At some point in my life, I probably won't be excited to see Chewbacca on the big screen. (that point will be moments after my death)
- Like everything in this movie that I loved, Rey's Theme came and went in the blink of an eye. Er, ear. The blink of an...oh, f--k you...you know what I mean.
- So, uh...they have steroids in space? Just kidding, Mr. Ren. Please don't kill me with your massive pectoral muscles. I promise I won't send Lin Manuel Miranda any more text messages, either.
- Let the past die. Kill it, of you have to. Rian Johnson ain't afraid to tell you his game plan straight up, apparently.
- Heavily featured in the trailer or not, that sand battle was pretty cool. Maybe I was just excited the screen wasn't exclusively filled with brooding a-holes, but either way, I loved this (ridiculous scene).
- Jedis is pimps too, gon' brush your shoulders off. (quite possibly my favorite moment in the film)
- And finally, the moment I didn't expect to start, but never wanted to end: Rey and Kylo Ren, absolutely annihilating the Elite Praetorian Guard. Fine, I looked that up, but even if you want to call them The Red Dudes, or, Their Dudenesses, or El Duderino Rojos, it doesn't matter. Those couple minutes, as somewhat clunky as they were, almost ejected me from seat I was so f--king pumped. Like, if I was a kid, I go home, craft a lightsaber out of empty paper towel rolls, enlist a sibling I didn't like to aid me into the greatest f--king swordfight ever. We kill the dog, our cats, piles of laundry, whatever, all while making the zhhhhhhhhhhhuummmm zhhhhhhhummmm sounds like a couple of dickheads. Oh, and if dad's sleeping in his chair? Yep. We cut that crotchety old bastard into two pieces.
|For the record, I'm pretty sure this thing has boobs.|
And that makes me want to die. Like, for real.
- I'm sorry, but that whole kicking the trigger thing scene was simply too much. If the bombs didn't destroy the First Order, maybe the melodrama would instead.
- Uh, Snoke is kind of a dick, right? Like, a really weird-looking, angry dick at that.
- Wait, wait, wait. Kylo Ren smashes his mask? Immediately? He knows that was the coolest thing about him, right? I can't imagine the kids are going to be lining up to wear Adam Driver's face next Halloween...but I've been wrong before.
- Those frog-nun-caretaker things were the worst. Why not just have little CGI Jake Lloyd's running around yelling Yippeee while were at it, huh? We're clearly at rock bottom. Might as well go all out.
- How the f--k are you going to kill off my favorite character so unceremoniously? Show some respect, for f--k's sake. Next time I get some crab juice, I'm gonna pour a little out for the good Admiral.
- Do we really need to mention the scene where Leia flies through space like the goddamned Rocketeer? No. No we do not.
- I guess she's a hero (surprise! a girl hero...in a Star Wars movie? What? Since when?), but I really wasn't a fan of Laura Dern's character, Lady Purple. First, she's Laura Dern. Like, right there. In space. Laura Dern. And second? She's kind of....lame. I'm sure her knowledge of prehistoric botany really impressed at the Rebel Academy, but I couldn't have cared less about her and her heroics. I thought her plan was pretty f--king stupid actually.
- Oh, and speaking of stupid plans, what the f--k, Everyone Involved? A low-speed chase through space? This is what you're selling? Why not just head to wherever the f--k Maz is having labor negotiations and play Dejarik for the fate of the Empire, instead? It couldn't be any less exciting than waiting for SOMEONE TO RUN OUT OF GAS.
- Remember when it took Luke forever to master the Force? Rey certainly doesn't. She nails that shit in the same amount of time that Luke Perry is supposed to ride a bull at the state fair. Worse, she doesn't even have to wear Luke (um, Skywalker) as a backpack in the process.
- A Rose is a rose...unless it's an annoying lady who I couldn't give a shit about. I'm sorry, I'm sure her plight inspired many of you, but everything about this character felt forced. And her little grand gesture to Finn? F--king absurd. We've got bigger fish to fry, Rose. No time for this.
- Dear God, the casino scene. What. The. F--k. That shit looked like a deleted bit from Jupiter Ascending [review]. Honestly. I never wanted to see Eddie Redmayne so bad in my life. Even if he was wooing some giant beast by looking at them sideways, I would have taken it. Screw red or black. I'm all in on shit.
- Oh, and those f--king racing Lamb-dog things made me wish Bob Barker was still alive, only so he could use his thin little microphone to personally neuter that species into extinction.
- Hey, look. The bad buys have a giant gun that takes a while to warm up. What ever shall we do?
- Ice wolves. Why did it have to be ice wolves?
- And finally, I don't care how you ever (needlessly) explain it to me, but that was simply no way for the baddest motherf--king Jedi in the galaxy to go out. Not even close. I get it, sure, I get tired imagining myself not living in a f--king hell hole too, but it only makes me want to die. It doesn't actually kill me.
Look, there's a good (/no) chance that you actually liked this movie, so you're probably sitting here thinking, Oh God, this guy keeps going on and on, saying absolutely nothing anybody will ever care about.