Thursday, March 22, 2018

Even when the subject is repellent, the body can be tricked.

When me mum, er, when my mom gets sick, which is fortunately a very rare occurrence, I do what every loving son does: I call her after the fact and ask her how it went. And now that she's better, could she please watch my kids for me?

Cold and heartless? Maybe. But not by design.

But you daughters? Man, do you ladies go all out for ol' mom. Phone calls. Hot meals. Hot pads. Flowers. Cards. Cards with flowers on them. Enrolling in Russian F--k Schools and learning how to murder spies with your Siberian beartrap. 

Honestly, at times, it's simply too much. 

Turns out, the odds are never in my favor.
I don't know what you've heard by now, but Red Sparrow is a strange f--king bird, indeed. Starring some of Joel Edgerton and all of Jennifer Lawrence, this f--ker was not what I expected when I caught it a few weeks back (on opening night). Oh, it ticks the boxes of most thrillers set abroad in a world of spies and espionage....but it also ticks some I wasn't expecting. Namely all those having to do with whore school. 

When Black Widow graduated Russian spy school, she got two things: a pistol and sterilized. I mean, it's way harder to scissor kick a bad when you're wearing a Baby Bjorn. At Red Sparrow's State School 4, while you're not exactly encouraged to get knocked up, you're basically trained to get down. At any time, with any body. You don't say?

Jennifer Lawrence plays Dominika Egorova, a former ballet star coerced into the role of undercover lover, as a way to finance her mom's incessant medical care. She's a quick study, though class is a f--king nightmare. No, really. It's a f--king nightmare. Literally. You know how you hate being called up front to give an oral presentation? It's the worst. But instead of a book report, at State School 4, it's a blow job.



In the right room, with the wrong people, the classroom scenes...
...may the funniest things ever put to film.
After graduating, the mission is fairly straightforward (acquire intel from dude, f--k dude, report back to boss, f--k boss) and seemingly important to everyone involved. But the nature of the intel? The ramifications of getting it or losing it? Your guess is as good as mine. In fact, let's take a shot? *shakes shoddily made Russian Magic 8-Ball* Aw, I got All Undercover Agents Will Be In Jeopardy. You're turn. *shakes* What? Cold War Remains Frosty. Aw, I wanted that one!

Speaking of things you should repeatedly shake, here are the Yays and Boos. You might be surprised to know that it was a pretty packed house when we walked in. You might not be surprised that the general audience consensus seemed to be What the f--k was that? when we walked out.

Yaaaaaaaaaay!

  • It's basically mandatory at this point, but, um...I love Joel Edgerton. I had forgot he was even this, and I may have audibly cheered when his name appeared on the screen.
  • While most of it is awkward and uncomfortable, there is some quality naughty bits in this one. You know, for you pathetic jerks who are into objectifying women like that.
  • Man, I don't remember any of my film classes being that awesome...
  • Eventually, Dominika becomes the Hermione Granger of F--k School. Like, give Russian Ron Weasley a chance, lady.
  • You sent me to whore school. 
  • The blonde version was totally an upgrade. As was that bathing suit....my goodness.
  • That was a funny joke. Okay, it wasn't really. But I'll take what I can get (no lie, for every one hundred and forty minutes there is one joke).
  • Okay, this should be a Boo, but f--k it. Red Sparrow takes place in conteporary times, and I'm telling you, the top-secret shit they're killing each other over? It's on 3.5 inch hard disks. If only it had been printouts on paper with the all the little holes on the side...
  • Say whatever you want about Lawrence, but she's pretty f--king fearless in this one. It's basically a bad hand, but she's all in regardless.
  • And finally, I have to give it up for the sheer f--king brutality of this one. When bitches get cut, they don't cut away, you know? In fact, there's a pretty epic f--king knife fight that I won't soon forget. And kind of the same lines...there's a pretty f--king epic torture scene that I wish I could forget. 
Perhaps unsurprisingly, Uncle Ivan is a real bastard.
Booooooo...
...oooooo!
  • Holy shit that was quite the ballet 'accident'. Might be up there with the curb stomp from American History X. Okay, f--k that. But, still. It's still pretty terrible.
  • Great, no I can't bring my cane into the steam room. You know, assuming I needed a cane. Or a steam room. One person always ruins it for the rest of us!
  • Look, I can barely speak English consistently, so I shouldn't really talk. But that Russian accent? Uhhh....
  • Hey, can you seduce this Russian diplomat for us? Thanks. Get him back to your hotel room, the biggest and grandest one in the facility, and tell him you need some money. 
  • Well, that was the worst sex scene ever. Like, ever ever. Sweet f--k, I wanted to run out of the theater.
  • Teacher calls two students to the front of 'whore school'. UNDRESS! Beautiful woman? Refuses. Weird Guy? Here's my dick, professor.
  • Good God, that was one Hell of a group project.
  • Um, could you unspread that eagle, please? Yikes. Your dead eyes are killing me.
  • I think that guy was the only 'magic pussy' in the building. Seriously, what a prick.
  • Was that Paul Ryan at the bar in London, or some other spineless jerkface.
  • Outside of dumb comedies, we have to retire the idea that someone can get Final Destination'd anymore. It used to be cool. Now? It's just stupid.
  • Like this post, this movie is simply too f--king long. There was a point where I wouldn't have minded if the screen froze and a voiceover told us that Dominika returned to her home planet.
  • And finally, unless I'm missing something, which is entirely possible, I swear any time Lawrence's character gets confronted, her plan is always the same: tell the truth as quickly and elaborately as possible. Maybe it's the ultimate psych-out, or maybe she's simply the worst spy in the history of time. Either way, it seemed pretty f--king ridiculous. She's a tough lady, no doubt. Stab her? She'll cut your dick off. But ask her a question? She'll chew your ear off.
After a (glorious) snow day today, it looks like I'll be begrudgingly headed back to work in the morning. My son's school (and Violet's too) has already announced they are closed tomorrow, meaning my wife will have to drop both of them off at my mom's house if she hopes to get any work done.

You know, I could stay home, if I needed to. Say, if my mom had a cold or something. 


Wouldn't want to burden her with the kids.

11 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. I'll give you this...it looks good. But whether it 'is' good or not, that remains to be seen. I thought it was absurd...but in a fantastic way.

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  2. "Hermione Granger of Fuck School" lmaoooo. I'll probably see this when it comes out on DVD. It sounds like Black Widow really did get the better deal at her school.

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    Replies
    1. Seriously, she goes from being clueless and scared to '69 points for Gryffindor' in no time. It's pretty impressive, actually.

      Black Widow at the very least gets to hang out with Captain America. So yeah, totally the better deal.

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  3. There's a part of me that wants to see how bad this is and a part of me saying to the other, what the f--k is wrong with you?

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    Replies
    1. I think both parts of you are correct.

      So...coin toss?

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  4. "you sent me to whore school" is already the greatest line of 2018 and I havent even seen the movie yet

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    1. For you, I think it's a must see. You might not have a better laugh in 2018...

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  5. Ok, wait...this movie is about what? I had no clue whores had anything to do with it. Sure this isn't more stuff leaked from JL's cell phone?

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    Replies
    1. Ugh...let us never talk about what was on her phone again. I'm all for people doing whatever they want...but from what I sadly/ashamedly recall...it was all the worst.

      As for this film, yeah...it's basically a combination of Jason Bourne and Showgirls. Gritty and ridiculous all at once, if that's even possible.

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  6. This was so bad... and you didn't even mention how she got the blonde hair. Like honestly, using toxic chemicals with your BARE HANDS and slapping it on the hair like that WILL NEVER get the blonde result like she had. And that to me was the biggest mistake the movie made! But I agree, it looked beautiful, everything else though, for the love of god.. what was that.

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