Saturday, June 30, 2018

I loved her like an ocean loves water.

I think it took the first one less than five minutes to firmly establish its hard R rating. Whether it was the incessant profanity, the rampant sexual innuendo, extreme graphic violence or even the onscreen butt sex - whatever offends you the most (or least), the original had it all. And despite all of my eleven year old students having seen it more than eleven times each - it certainly wasn't meant for kids. But the sequel?

Total. Motherf--king. Family. Film.

I loved Deadpool 2. F--king adored that shit. After being That Guy in regard to the first one [review], I reluctantly strolled into the sequel weeks after the fact and damn near moonwalked the f--k out of it. Maybe it was the lowered expectations, maybe it was the (at the time) almost-summer magic. Or maybe, just maybe...this movie was really, really f--king good.

Screwing with the timeline once again, Deadpool 2 more or less begins with Wade Wilson blowing himself to a million f--king pieces. He's trying to convince us that despite his severed head slowly tumbling through the air, that what we're watching? Is actually a film about family.

Wade and Vanessaaaaaaaaaaa sorry...drool makes the keys stick) are planning to have a baby when unsurprisingly (for a murderous mercenary), shit goes very much sideways. Very bad things occur, and Wade finds himself begrudgingly joining the X-Men as a result. On his first assignment, trainee Deadpool encounters a young mutant in the middle of a fiery meltdown outside of an orphanage/treatment facility. Almost instantly, Wade senses the kid's (f--king Ricky Baker, y'all!) being abused and kills one of the staff members in the scrum. They both get locked up, and not long after that, all Hell breaks loose. Again.

Turns out this kid, Firefist, is going to grow into a f--king tyrant, and some badass soldier from the future named Cable (Josh Thanos Brolin) travels back in time Terminator-style to kill John Connor him before he kills his family. (I've read that three times and I think it makes sense, but I'm not sure. Maybe someone will arrive from the future and reword it) Deadpool ain't having that whether the sentence makes sense or not, and forms a team to prevent Cable from killing the kid. And what happens next? May be the funniest shit I've ever seen.

I used to say flight. Or super speed. Or invisibility.
F--k all those powers. Give me what Domino has.
Speaking of the shittiest fun you've never had, here are the Yays and Boos. As much as I want to just write Ryan Reynolds a million times and the INTERNET once, here's some more full-fledged nonsense instead. Um, as translated from month-old incoherent gibberish, that makes cave-paintings look like f--king Times New Roman, of course.

I wonder what clothes she wears to school
I wonder how she decorates her room.

  • Apparently, the actual disc version of the soundtrack sucks (but who buys those anymore [me, f--ker]), but what's in the film? F--king incredible. Air Supply, Dolly Parton, Enya, Peter Gabriel and an acoustic version of Take on Me? Holy shit, right? And Hell, even if it really is for pussies, give me some dubstep any damn day, you know?
  • I think any time the main character of the film breaks the fourth wall to reference the box-office haul of The Passion of the Christ we're all better because of it.
  • The baby factory is open for business. Can you string together seven better words?
  • F--k it, I think we need more Todds in the world. I've been alive almost thirty-nine years. Met only two Todds. And liked them both.
  • Dopinder. At all times.
  • That Bond-style opening was brilliant. Good luck topping that in next one, a-holes.
  • God, Colossus, er, Shiny Jesus is the best. Just seeing him makes me want to break both my arms punching him in the dick.
  • Typically, riding around in someone else's wheelchair for fun is a dick move. Typically.
  • My main dude Julian Dennison/Ricky Baker pretty much has the market cornered for badass teens that ain't taking your shit.
  • Where can I get that trainee half-shirt?
  • Give me a bow and arrow and I'm basically Hawkeye. Sick burn, Wade. 
  • Speaking of, does anybody have more fun than Ryan Reynolds? I know this is technically work for they guy, but my goodness, this dude was born to play Deadpool. 
  • Please, please...please tell me somewhere in my lifetime we're gonna get more Domino. Zazie Beetz f--king destroys every second she's on screen with her badass version of the character. So much so, we're lucky to have her (her entrance into the fray was the best thing ever).
  • I had no idea that the main bad guy was going to be who he was. I thought Vinnie Jones' version was so bad, as a public service we were never supposed to mention him ever again...
  • Zip it, black Black Widow.
  • That playground battle was so awesome. Especially the first time.
  • And finally, the action this time around is much more impressive...and even more hilarious. But no scene combines the two better than the forming of/ultimate arrival of the X-Force. I can't believe they did what they did, but holy shit I almost died laughing during it. So very stupid. But so f--king funny.
Oddly enough, this reminds me of when my daughter was born.
  • Christopher Plummer would have been so f--king awesome. Just sayin...
  • Ugh, never really thought about bad guy blood getting in my eye. Gross.
  • Man, I wasn't expecting that with the ambulance. Think I might have peed a little. Just kidding. It was a lot.
  • I don't know how Brolin is so jacked, you know? I mean, I'm not in every movie that's released, and I still can't find time to work out. Goonies never die, but they also never miss arms day, either. Damn.
  • While no spine breaking ever looks good, that shit on the table looked really, really bad. 
  • So, one of the dudes that works in my local theater is an ex-student of mine. He tells me, just make sure you see that part in the house. I go....uh, yeah. Definitely. And then I proceed to basically f--king miss it.
  • And finally, speaking of shit I missed, what the f--k, Internet? Because I have sneaked in this viewing between volunteering for my son's Field Day and his subsequent picking up from school, I'm cutting it very f--king close. Movie ends, life is good, when I quickly Google Does Deadpool 2 have a stinger? Google responds, No. Go pick up your son, you negligent monster. So I run the f--k outta there. BUT WHAT DO I MISS? THE COMPLETE UNDOING OF WHAT I DIDN'T THINK WAS GOING TO BE UNDONE. The f--k is this????

While it wasn't summer when I saw this (or wrote most of the review...on paper), it's in full f--king swing now, I can assure you. In fact, here, in the (according to my friend Dunph) taint of America, the next eight days are gonna all be almost 100 degrees. So what I'm going to do with my kids, you (didn't) ask?

I'm going to take them to the movies, of course. To see family films. Like Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom and Uncle Drew.

Oh, those aren't for small children, you say?

Neither is heatstroke. Or it's cinematic equivalent, Hotel Transylvania 3. Because I'm sure as shit, that that family film? Is a real motherf--ker.


  1. I still haven't went to see this. I'm a shitty comic book movie fan at the moment. lol

    1. I was shocked at how much I liked it.

      Girl, you ain't a shitty fan of anything. You watch way too many movies and shows to earn that title.

  2. I have so many questions.

    1. You didn't see mid-credits?! Dude! It's Deadpool! of course there was one! My Boo Kangaroo was there!
    2. Scene in 'the house'? Did you also miss "his Basic instinct"?
    3. Nothing about those painful references to Logan?
    4. Matt Damon cameo was in this which added to the number one of your boos....not great

    1. I have so many answers.

      1. I had to get Matty! F--king trailers made a sure thing waaaay too close.
      2. I saw in the mansion...barely. I definitely saw his Basic Instinct...just couldn't understand what I wrote in my notes (it's basically hieroglyphics at this point).
      3. Again, they were in the notes, but I look like I wrote them on a bus while having a seizure.
      4. Who/where the Hell was Matt Damon???? I had no idea about this? Was Big Ben here too?

  3. Haha!!!! Busted! You don't read RF careful enough because I bitched about it while writing about the movie :D He was one of the hicks talking when Cable time traveled behind them, another one was Alan Tudyk.

  4. Glad you loved it. I had a blast with this one. The whole X-Force thing - from build-up to pay off was amazing. You have to see the mid-credits scene. Have to. And if you blinked you missed Damon. Think empty parachute.