Tuesday, June 19, 2018

You might wanna...buckle up, baby.

If you lined up all the fictional character in the world, there would only be a handful I need an orgin story for. Continuing their story? Even if it's way after the fact, sign me up. Because in order to create an established character's beginning, you inadvertently destroy all tension and peril along the way. I mean, obviously, they're gonna get out of whatever jam they're in, thrilling as it may be.

And even if we're all good with the fact that we know how it ends, can we talk about the casting of a prequel? No matter what, it's gonna be distracting. Do they look the part? Do they sound right? 

Are the still almost eight feet tall and covered in luxurious hair?

You can revel in the financial failure of Ron Howard's Solo: A Star Wars Story all you want, but even without any real dramatic tension (or that f--king guy from The Age of Adaline [review]) - I still had a good time with it. Yes, it might be a case of too much, too soon - I get that, but I think we might be unnecessarily bashing the latest Star Wars flick. I mean, it has Chewbacca in it for f--k's sake. Who doesn't love a goddamn wookie?

While a fraction of that is a joke (a very small fraction), outside of Woody Harrelson being in a Star Wars movie (I'm still coming to terms with this) or the general hotness of Emilia Clarke (also hard to believe), frankly I'm all in on all things Chewie. From his initial meeting/battle with Han, to his decision to help his, uh, people (and everything in between), maybe this prequel wasn't warranted, but Chewbacca's MVP award for it, is.

In case you were wondering about non-wookie matters, here goes: Young Han Solo vows to return home after attempting to escape his shit life in the downtrodden underbelly of Corellia. The last second failure forced Han to leave behind his lovely lady Qi'ra, so he enlists in the Imperial army in hopes to eventually get back to her. After a few years/few bits of narration, his plan goes tits up however, and Solo ends up deserting the army and joining up with a gang of unscrupulous smugglers instead.

So, uh...we're gonna need a [hard R] flick that tells us what Qi'ra's been up to while Han was gone, yes? 
This group of unsavory types is led by some dude named Tobias Beckett (Harrelson, with the Macklemore haircut). Beckett is pretty upfront about not trusting anybody, but he's connected with someone who just so happens to know Qi'ra (how well? Uhh...that's anybody's guess), so Han is more than good shacking up in this house of cards. While nobody really knows what the Hell is going on, or how/when any debt(s) will be paid off, it seems the only real solution any one can agree on is a super-risky mission of constant peril. A mission that can be only measured in parsecs, of course. Which I always thought were a unit of time, dammit.

This is Calrissian. Don't catch him slippin' up.
Speaking of debatable nonsense that only nerds care about, here are the Yays and Boos for Solo. Not that we're mad at Ron Howard or anything, but we can't help but wonder how Lord and Miller's version would have turned out. Or even a George Lucas version. I mean, who doesn't love microbiology??

It's probably unhealthy how much I love Woody.
  • As soon as they showed up, I looked over at my son. Who was already looking at me. And we whispered, in unison, Stormtrooperssssssss.
  • Dude. That Guy gave him his name? I'm very impressed, the way that dude is creating legacies so casually.
  • The mud-battle against Han was probably long enough, honestly. But hot damn, I'm always up for some Chewbacca-related ass-kicking. Good thing he didn't tear Han's arms off.
  • Speaking of, apparently there's nothing better than sleeping in the lap of a wookie? Is there any way I could verify this?
  • Anti-climactic or not, that train heist was bad-ass. I want to give the highest of hi-fives to whomever cooked up that sequence. So badass...
  • The trailers kind of spoiled it, but I appreciate the reverence reserved for Lando's introduction. Glover seemed to be having all kinds of fun with the role. And so did I...for the most part.
  • Two words: Clint f--king Howard. I'm sorry, the two words are national treasure.
  • Damn that was a lot of wookies.
  • Yo, Qi'ra in her pantsuit throwing grenades like a motherf--ker? Um, it's pretty obvious: someone's been reading my dream journal again.
  • And finally, with the odds totally stacked against him, Alden Ehrenreich fully held his own playing the young Han Solo. Yes, he's not Harrison f--king Ford, but uh, last I checked...almost no one is. Chill the f--k out with the hate for all these people playing Star Wars characters in the new films, you know? Not everyone can be Hayden Christensen and Jake Lloyd for f--k's sake.
I too, remember the first time I played Rogue Squadron on the Gamecube.
  • I think you two lovebirds need to be a little bit quicker at the gate next time, huh?
  • Wasn't really a fan of Angry Vision, to be honest. He might be the least intimidating bad guy since...Snoke.
  • As much as I dig Woody/Tobias, I wish I could say the same thing about his crew. Honestly, these guys dudes seemed like a bunch of candy asses. Give me the Rogue One squad any day.
  • Guys, what the Hell was with Lando's fembot-thing? Okay, so Lando will f--k anything, super-progressive, but a f--king annoying ass sex droid? F-k off, Siri. And the whole emotional aspect of it was so forced, I found it borderline...hilarious.
  • You don't want to know what I've done. THE HELL I DON'T.
  • Stick with the plan. Don't improvise. Did Kathleen Kennedy also make suggestions to the dialogue, too?
  • I'm probably just old an tired (and a moron), but there was a point where this f--ker started to overstay its welcome. Like, we know Han makes it. Wrap it the Hell up.
  • I was too confused to enjoy that super-secret cameo - and even my son squealing into my ear didn't snap me out of it. At first, I had to run through the timeline in my head...and my nerd brain was like, It ain't him. Can't be. It's probably his brother. But my nerd boner? It couldn't hear anything over the internal screamo version of Duel of the Fates, basically negating the impact, and making whatever he said utterly incomprehensible. 
  • And finally, the biggest letdown of this entire movie is the ending. I don't know if we're holding steady at the double-cross or have veered into the dreaded triple-cross, but whatever the f--k happened, I honestly didn't care anymore. I wanted some sort of shocking turn of events, but instead I just sighed and started thinking about Harrison Ford shooting everyone first.
I'm going to assume that regardless of what happened with Solo, we're still gonna get that James Mangold Boba Fett spin-off movie that was announced a few weeks back. And while I would watch an adult diaper commercial on loop if Mangold was responsible for it, I do have some concerns about this upcoming Star Wars project.

Not about Fett's origin, or who ends up playing the legendary bounty hunter. Who cares about such trivial matters? Not me, dammit. It's just a f--king movie, for f--k's sake. The real question?

Is Chewie in it a lot? Or just like...you know...

...the whole time?


  1. "I too, remember the first time I played Rogue Squadron on the Gamecube" - I lol'd a little too hard at this.

    Chewy was my MVP too. The ending fell short for me because I honestly don't care if I ever see Qi'ra again. She was so boring, and the other character already got a lot of face time on The Clone Wars and Star Wars Rebels so it's not like I hadn't seen this dude in years either.

    1. I'm going to go ahead and assume that Chewie is everybody's MVP. In everything.

      Whoa! No love for Qi'ra? Really? While all the stuff we didn't see her do was probably more interesting than what she actually did, I thought her character was the most intriguing. But...maybe because I think Clarke is super f--king hot. Could be that.

      What's this Clone Wars/Rebels talk? What do you know that I don't??? Spill it, BB.

    2. Brittani knows far more about SW than all the rest of us combined :)

    3. I know, right? She's gotta do a TEDtalk or something.

  2. Remind me to not drink a mug of tea whilst reading your reviews, because I damn near choked when I read "This is Calrissian. Don't catch him slippin' up".
    Literally ruined that song for me for life and I'm not even mad!

    1. Hahaha....oops. I promise not to ruin any other Childish Gambino songs for you.


  3. Ah. The woman who witnessed Jason's penis in a pink sock deserves better than being in another flop

    I havent seen the film yet but I know about that cameo and it is messed up. Its basically Disney saying fuck u go read millions of Wikipedia entries trying to make sense of continuity on your own

    1. She does deserve better. Maybe an adult thriller, perhaps? A Basic Instinct remake or something?

      AGREED. You can't throw him in there and make people have to do all kinds of work to make it make sense. That's nonsense. But...when you really think about...this whole project is.

      That said...still liked it.

  4. Of course Chewy is the MVP, duh.

    I knew I had seen that haircut before, but I couldn't place it. Thrift shop goodness, right there.

    The caption on the Landing pic - genius.

    Yeah, they were way too slow at the gate.

    The whole fembot thing was...um...confusing.

    I was okay with the ending because - yeah - he shot first.

    1. Hahahaha....I wasn't expecting a 'duh' there, Dell. Well played.

      It's a good look, assuming you have ALL your hair...which I'm working on...not.

      Thank you, thank you.

      WAY TOO SLOW. Maybe they were waiting for the directorial changeover.

      Confusing is a nice way of putting 'totally f--king stupid'.

      I got turned around, to be honest. All I could think was that you can't triple stamp a double stamp.

  5. Great review here! I found very little to like about this film, but: "...there was a point where this f--ker started to overstay its welcome. Like, we know Han makes it. Wrap it the Hell up." Could not agree more! That pretty much sums things up for me haha

    1. Very little to like? Really? Chewie? Woody? Qi'ra's pantsuit?

      Ultimately, I think it's getting an unfair beating, AW, but I get why people didn't love it. I'm all for pumping the breaks on these damn side stories, though.

      Unless they're about Chewbacca.

      Or star Woody.