Friday, December 21, 2018

You never get used to the smell.

Ghosts? I get ghosts. Not really alive, just kind of hanging around where they used to live, maybe even being the occasional dick - this makes sense to me. Ghosts...*checks clipboard* welcome aboard.

Monsters - these f--kers rule, too. Hey, you're an friendless abomination, probably hungry as f--k, so it's totally logical that you're killing and devouring everything in sight. What else are you supposed to do - rely on the kindness of strangers? You're a f--king monster. Ain't nobody giving you shit, outside of a bullet between the eyes or a pitchfork up the ass. Go ahead and eat a kid, Monster. F--k it, we can make more of 'em - like that.

But Demons? Man, f--k you pricks right in your upside-down asses. First, you're getting people's religion involved, and murderous f--kwad or not, that shit's just rude. On top of that, you're crass, prone to pissing, shitting and vomiting wherever it suits you, and just generally a bummer to be around. Oh, and a special f--k you to ruining nudity, too, as no one wants to see every curve of your goddamned pelvis. 

And all that's before you start crawling around the floor like a coked-up asshole.

Anybody out there making the argument that 2018 was a great year for horror should grab the nearest crucifix and thrust it repeatedly at The Possession of Hannah Grace. Dumped into theaters unceremoniously a few weeks back, it wasn't Christ that compelled me to catch this janky mess on the big screen, it was Venom. But more on that in a bit.

The Possession of Hannah Grace opens exactly like you would expect it to, mid-exorcism, where a nasty demon has taken control of, you guessed it, a young white woman. Her dad is nearby, and when things head south, he smothers her like a stack of pancakes, assuming instead of syrup, you cover your pancakes with a pillow. Violently.

Cut to three months later, and all of a sudden we're balls-deep in some sexy lady's quarter-life crisis. Apparently she's an ex-cop determined to trade in her metaphorical demons for literal ones. Turns out, there are no other jobs available outside of graveyard shift at the world's most poorly-lit morgue, so even fine-ass Megan Reed  (Shay Mitchell, probably from a show I've never watched) takes the gig. I mean, this is Boston, so it's either schlepping the corpses of dead hobos about or the night shift at a Dunkin' Donuts in Saugus. Either way, for someone prone to wicked flashbacks, this new situation ain't exactly ideal.

Of course, in what feels like night two of her career in corpse management, the mangled body of some (mostly) dead girl ends up at Megan's intake, and things go a bit off the rails. Even if she's new at this, it's safe to say that the bodies aren't supposed to get up and scuttle around like a meth-fueled Dr. Zoidberg. Despite her shift being almost over, for Megan, it's gonna be a long night. And even at eighty-five minutes, if you somehow find yourself watching The Possession of Hannah Grace (I'm assuming against your will), it's gonna be a long movie.

I'm guessing her sleep number is 666.
Honestly, I knew nothing about this movie headed into it, so I went in with the most open of open-minds. Unfortunately, the DTV vibe flies off the screen almost immediately, and the only thing worse than the lighting and production budget is the decision-making of the characters. And the ticket-buyers. We all know that bad horror is even worse cinema, and outside of the lovely Ms. Mitchell, The Possession of Hannah Grace has very little to offer.

Speaking of crushing disappointments, here are the Yays and Boos. This was the third film in Sony/Regal's See 3, Own 3 promotion, so you're reading the words of the proud owner of a shiny new (digital) copy of Venom. And this. And The Girl in the Spider's Web. Yeah, sweet deal, right? Right? Now who wants to f--king touch me?

I don't know, maybe they could unfurl her a bit?

  • I don't recall either of them at this point, but I was a fan of the trailers for both The Intruder and Escape Room. I realize now they might've been the high point of my viewing experience...but still. 
  • Bad movie or not, as a setting, I love that dirty water. 
  • I might've said this once or twice, but my word, Shay Mitchell is fine.
  • Let me get this straight. You work in the morgue, and no one ever talks to you? SOLD.
  • Was I imagining things, or did the demon basically want to play fetch?
  • Not gonna lie, I'm kind of a fan of that bone-snapping sound. Truly a festival for the ears.
  • Same goes for demon titty. Though that celebration occurs much lower on the body.
  • And finally, the Tobin Bridge. Probably meaningless to all of you that didn't spend your summers in its shadow, but I love seeing that big green bastard on the silver screen. My uncle used to always chant Tobin! Tobin! Tobin! if anybody f--ked up (and therefore should hurl themselves off of it), and seeing it at the end of the movie...seemed just about perfect.

Live footage of m.brown examining his life choices.

  • Oh, demons can definitely f--k the f--k off, but so can shower curtains. This is a bad horror movie, guys. RESPECT THE RULES.
  • The buzzer at the intake bay is so loud, stay with me here, it could probably wake the dead. 
  • Am I wrong, or are most medical facilities properly lit? I know, I's the morgue, but I'm still thinking we need more than two desk lamps and a nightlight to illuminate this motherf--ker. It's not like they spent the lighting budget on the working motion sensors or anything...
  • Uh oh. She's having visions. Poorly photographed visions at that.
  • Okay, at one point, a door is slowly closed. And behind it? NOTHING. What the actual f--k?
  • Hey, Homeless Dude. Stop being such a dick. Unless, you're the ghost of a Homeless Dude. Then by all means...carry on.
  • Really, Randy? You can't do this on your own? Is it because you can't lift a body while simultaneously harboring a massive boner?
  • Ugh. The door at the f--king creepy-ass morgue I work at alone keeps opening. Probably shouldn't investigate that. Nah. I mean, my horrible past isn't going to mull itself over.
  • So don't see things that aren't there - Megan's friend, giving the worst advice ever.
  • And finally, and I'll never understand this - why aren't shitty horror movies not released right around Halloween? At least then, uninspired gore is at least tolerable, you know? But a couple days after Thanksgiving? Who the f--k made this call? (says the guy who went to f--king theater and didn't see CREED II)
I guess the one good thing about demons, if I had to choose, is it appears they heavily favor the ladies, right? Especially the young ones. So, being that I'm essentially an old man, I should be good. I mean, chances are I'll never find myself coming to after projectile vomiting on my family.

Well, at least from the ceiling anyway.


  1. Okay wow, I think this might be the shortest Yays section I have ever seen! I can confidently say I'll never be watching this movie...

    1. Hahahaha....yeah, it just might be (though I think there's a time where I only gave a lone YAy.. a 50 Shades movie, perhaps?).

      Anyway, don't bother. There's probably a million other demon movies if you were ever...compelled. Happy Holidays, Allie!

  2. Why watch all that shit just to own Venom? Have u lied to us and secretely love it?

    I see my ghost haunting you in the future if you didnt like certain movie playing in theaters now.... :)

    1. Because clearly there's something wrong with me. I wished I secretly loved least THAT would make sense.

      Your ghost is coming for me. I guarantee it.