Friday, December 28, 2018

You're the best of all of us, Miles.

When I say I hate kids, clearly I don't mean hate them hate them, but like anyone approaching the end of my fourth decade on this planet, being young ain't exactly in my wheelhouse anymore. I look at all aspects of my own youth and when I find something comparable today, I can't help but recoil and immediately trudge away in the opposite direction.

The new version, of just about everything, absolutely sucks. But what pisses me off even more?

Is when it doesn't.

You don't even know how hard I want to shake my (wrinkled) fist at the absolute greatness that is Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse. Not only is it quite possibly the best superhero film of the year, there's a good chance it's the best thing I've seen a very long time. My apologies to Toby, Andrew and even the new guy, Tom. But in the race to be the best Spider-Man, you were all beaten by Miles.

Miles Morales is a good kid from the around the way. He's just gotten into a top-shelf boarding school, met a cool girl in science class, and it's pretty clear that expectations are high. And if that ain't enough to deal with, after some epic tagging with his uncle, this kid goes and gets himself bitten by a radioactive spider.

While that story seems beyond familiar, well, it's because it is. Very familiar, in fact. Turns out Miles is just one of many Spider, er, people... as each of the many known universes has their own web-slinging hero. For reasons initially unknown, portals have been opening up all over New York City, and, well, the gang's all here. 

I know you could have gathered all that from the trailer, sure, but the trailer also shows you how utterly beautiful this film is, too. But here's the deal, that ain't the half of it. Into the Spider-Verse as jaw-dropping and breathtaking as it is visually (and aurally) coalesces into something beyond the sum of it's amazing parts. It's funny, it's charming, sure, but it's intimate and emotional, too. I cared so much about this damn kid, I found myself leaning forward the entire time. The basic laws of human nature suggests that the average person blinks over one thousand times per hour, but I'm telling you, in 117 minutes, I don't even think I hit double digits. 

Oh, so that's what it's like when young people actually make an effort to learn from you.

What are more than likely to exceed double digits, are the Yays and Boos. Combined. I mean, how many times can you write EVERYTHING without it getting a bit...redundant?

I love this guy so much.
  • It's probably embarrassing how hype I was. Honestly. It took like 30 seconds and I. Was. In.
  • The recapping of Spidey's previous adventures made even in the cringe-worthy parts the best things ever.
  • Dude, that's the Green Goblin? Are you serious? I'm not sure it's cool to make Dafoe look like a punk bitch, but...uh...I'm gonna allow it.
  • My goodness that Prowler chase was fantastic. I'm pretty sure, like the rest of this movie, I'm going to need to see that again. In 4K.
  • It always fits. Eventually. Aw.
  • Mary Jane's speech was perfect. 
  • As is, presumably, the menu at TGISPidey's.
  • I laughed so loud during the escape from the lab, I should have apologized to the other people in the theater. Ah, f--k 'em.
  • Uh, is it weird that I found Spider-Gwen way hot? 'CAUSE I DIDN'T. *runs*
  • Okay, enough already, Nic Cage is awesome and needs to be back in a big way. Give Spider-Man Noir his own everything. Immediately.
  • Holy crap the battle at Aunt May's house was bananas. It was the coolest living room battle I'd ever seen...until I saw Aquaman. But more on that in a bit...
  • Is he allowed to say that? Legally?
  • The only thing better than the voice-work is the soundtrack. And the only thing better than the soundtrack? Is when the voice-work sings along with it...assuming that makes any sense (which it doesn't, I know)
  • Guys, no lie, even the credits are rad. I swear to you, put every single frame of this movie, all of them, on a t-shirt. And no matter which one you buy it's the dopest shirt you own.
  • Hell of year, Spidey. Hell of a yeah. Holland in Infinity War, maybe the best PS4 game ever, and now this? Damn, dude. And you're not even jacked like a Greek god with the mane of a wild horse. Consider me impressed.
  • And finally, even though I'm tempted to yammer on and on about this movie like a bigger idiot than usual, let me just go on record saying that it absolutely meant something to me. Maybe it was for the optimistic little kid that grew up reading nothing but Spider-Man comics (and even, I'll admit, Spider-Ham comics, too), or maybe it was for the bitter old man that that kid turned into, but I was utterly enamored with just about everything about it. Yeah, with great power comes great responsibility, but this film's message goes beyond that. Basically, even if you're just a regular too can do some amazing things. 
I'm just glad that the big dude on the left didn't get Uncle Ben'd, you know?
  • I'm gonna boo the shoulder touch only because I'm not in any situation to actually try it.
  • I feel you, Miles. I do. I once did something pretty awkward in front of a girl that I had a crush on, and it too was really, really sticky. Oh, grow up, jerk. I just sneezed all over my hand (and got caught spreading my fingers apart) on our way into Pizza Hut. With her mom.
  • Dude, Spider-Man, I, uh, dig the sweats...and the gut...but taking the bus? Seems kinda...sad.
  • Wait, what? I want to hate Kingpin, dammit. Not...feel bad for him. *sobs*
  • Good luck to future Aunt Mays. Seriously. They just keep getting cooler, as the Spider-Man films progress. I thought Tomei was the top, but nope. I checked with David O. Russell, and even he said it's Lily f--king Tomlin. If the trend continues, the next Aunt May is gonna be a T-rex on a dirtbike whose tired of this damn town. *flicks cigarette, stares off into distance*
  • Why have I never heard of Peni Parker until now? Unacceptable.
  • Look, I actually liked Spider-Ham as a kid, and I think Mulaney is hysterical...but, can we be honest? [whispers] He didn't really do much.
  • All I ever wanted to do was to continue living a life where I could arbitrarily hate Post Malone until I die in a tragic bass fishing accident. But, thanks to Sunflower, no. That dream is dead.
  • And finally, the numbers are in...and this film is gonna likely fade away pretty flippin' fast isn't it? I know, I know, for a guy sitting in his kitchen on a Friday night typing a blog that four people are gonna read, this is none of my concern, sure. But this film deserves a much better fate than that. 
Just as I'm sitting here, fully embracing the fact that Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse, one million percent a movie of the world we currently live in, is damn near flawless, I found out that this film was announced back in 2014. Or, as us old-timey crotchety bastards refer to as...the past.

You know, back when things were good.
(But not great)


  1. Great review! I loved this too it was so much fun. I just want to stare at it for hours.

    I loved that comment they had about Spider-Ham's origins, which I always thought was pretty hilarious.

    I can't wait to own this on blu ray.

    1. Thanks! I agree fully, as I just want to gaze at it lovingly til my eyeballs explode.

      Ugh. I don't remember what they said about Peter Porker, but the fact that he even made the cut is ridiculous/awesome.

      SAME. Give me that disc asap.

  2. I loved this one too! I can't wait to see it again because it was so much fun. I do have a soft spot for Tom Holland so in my mind, they are sort of equal, but the way Miles was introduced to us here - perfection.

    The graphics were so busy and energetic and gave the whole animation such a great tempo that time just flew at the cinema. Man.. I wish the numbers reflected the greatness! It's a shame it's not getting high praises but man, if this does not win best animation!? I'm going to fly to the states and rage!

    1. It was sooooooooooooo good, right? I'm with you on Tom Holland, as he's basically the best (too?)...but Miles is/was incredible.

      EXACTLY. It just flew by and I seriously just wanted to buy another ticket and go again. And yeah, if it doesn't win...I'll split that ticket with you and we can march together, pitchforks in hand!

  3. I'm not into animated movies at all, the trailer for it played before Aquaman when I was checking in my purse if I packed spare underwater so I only saw some of it but it looked fun, I may give it a shot

    OK so the living room fight is gonna be a fourth yey....*trying to guess the review ahead of the time*

    1. Remember when you thought that Paddington wasn't going to be awesome? (I'm not even sure if that ever happened....but stay with me) This is that. Again. Even if you aren't into animated movies, this one should knock you on your ass. Hard.

      If I see it again, and I'm pretty sure I will, I'll be the one bringing an extra pair of underwear (I love your typo btw).

      And yes, the Living Room is 900% a Yay. Maybe my favorite action scene of the whole flick!