Learning is always a painful process.

*turns on the news*
*talks to another human*

*reads own blog*


Yeah, maybe 10% is being generous.

Late July of 2014? I opted for 22 Jump Street instead.

Not only did I take the time to watch Lucy, but I also took the time to purchase Lucy, the latter decision still haunting me days later. Because outside of personally suffering a traumatic brain injury that impairs judgement and reason (even more so, assuming that's possible), I couldn't imagine a scenario where I'd find the need and/or desire to watch this f--ker again. But didn't you assume that before you bought the movie, a-hole? There you go, showing off that moderately functioning brain of yours.

In case a super drug culled from expecting mommies has burst open inside of your body and you've been travelling the world as sexy energy ever since, let me break down Luc Besson's 2014 flick for you the best I can.

Even if you already know everything about it.

As played by the infinitely sexy (/ gloriously jiggly) Scarlett Johansson, Lucy, even before her, um, transition, initially appears to be a bit of an odd bird. We find her hanging out in Taiwan with some guy who looks like he's saving up for a moped, and luckily for everyone involved, he's immediately killed. As often is the case when your sketchy boyfriend is brutally murdered, Lucy is whisked away and immediately offered a job. Despite zero bargaining power, she politely declines, a brilliant move on her part, and wakes up with a bag of umbilical cord pills sewn into her stomach. Yeah, that ol' outcome. But even worse, her current captor wants to get it on with her sexy post-hasty surgical self, and when rebuffed he punches her in the gut. Not cool, bro on multiple fronts, which sends the drugs spewing into her body, transforming her into, you guessed it, Neo from The Matrix.  

Whoa?
While Lucy doesn't learn kung-fu, she learns just about everything else. No seriously, everything else. In the course of a few hours, the high-school/Russian sex academy dropout version of Black Widow goes from elementary to f--king elemental, and Lucy more or less becomes God. But with way better tits.

No shit, here's how the smartest person on the planet makes a doctor's appointment.

Speaking of a nice pair, here is an abbreviated version of the Yays and Boos.  Some of their tomfoolery will be saved for a bonus feature known this time as The Percentages. Why would we have even more to say about a ridiculous movie like Lucy? Yeah, that's a real head-scratcher...

When you realize you like your drink more than your man..

Yaaaaaaaaaay!

• Bad movie or not, I watched this one during a snow day. One where, , my kids still had school!
• I have always, always, always loved when people are speaking another language and we are given zero subtitles. It's kind of my favorite thing, you know, being absolutely lost.
• Dude, not only does she demand surgery by gunpoint, but she f--king murders the previous patient immediately beforehand. I'd say I can relate to this level of badassery, but the time I asked the stylist to make it quick (so I could make it to my third theatrical showing of South Park: BLU)...well, the results were, um not good. (for the record, who tells someone with scissors, yeah, uh, I'm kind of in a hurry...)
• There's a point where she can remember everything that has ever happened to her, including breastfeeding. I'd say that's awesome...but I'm actually kind of okay with not remembering sucking on my mom's boobs. *dry heaves*
• Nothing like living on borrowed time to initiate a murder spree, am I right?
• The fact that her smart voice sounds kind of dumb makes me infinitely tingly inside.
• As do all the slow-motion bosom bouncing we're treated to. 
• Even it's entirely unnecessary, that ridiculous driving scene was the right kind of...ridiculous.
• Rewinding Times Square was f--king amazing! I'd love the power to erase New York. Well, at least the 2003 ALCS Game 7 Yankee Stadium portion of it.
• And finally, as f--king stupid as this film was, at least it was pretty to look at. I'm not even sure if I can tell the difference between the 1080p version and/or the 4K version, but I'm just going to say that the added resolution really made a difference. Especially in the scene where all the wild animals were f--king the shit out of each other.

Lucius Fox, contemplating his reassignment to Taiwan.

Booooooooooo!

• I love ScarJo, I do, but sometimes I get the feeling she's always playing the same damn character.
• Her (ex?) boyfriend's name was Richard. Totally fitting, as this guy's a giant dick.
• Besson: This scene is lacking something. Perhaps, more nature footage? Editor: But, sir. We've already used fifty clips ---- Besson: MORE, DAMMIT. 
• F--king dolphins. Not only are they badass, f--k for pleasure and just generally cool as shit. But now you're telling me they use twice the brain capacity of the average human? F--k you, guys. That's like four times what I'm working with.
• I know, I know. Respect the actress. I get it. But if you're a hot chick who's been knocked out in order for a back-alley operation to go down, I'm going to assume, realistically, you're gonna wake up naked. Fine. Topless, at worst. I'll give you growing fingers at will, sure, but this? Unbelievable.
• Okay, you wake up and you know have the ability to scale walls. Weird, but I'm on board. But even though you can defy gravity, I have a hard time buying that your hair can, too. 
• Hey, Morgan Freeman, you're playing a genius doctor at the forefront of brain research - sounds quite serious, right? Indeed. Kinda makes you wonder why these undergraduate a-holes keep interrupting your presentation with their moronic questions, though...
• Lucy reaches a point where she can replay event just by touching you. So, uh is this current erection technically a flashback to previous boner? Asking for a friend...
• She can control her pain and fear. Nice. Her metabolism. Cool. Her hair length. And color. Weird, but I'm in. But the real showstopper? She control a television. Remotely. *head caves in*
• You kinda have to see the scene where the police are gearing up in the foreground, as the bad guys enter the building in the background. Like, maybe somebody on the force could, uh, turn around, perhaps? Might help.
• And finally, that finale. My goodness, what the f--k was that? It seems like the world's most infinitely complex computer can make perfect...USB flashdrives? Are you f--king kidding me? This is like meeting God and he communicates via typewriter. Honestly, there were a million weird things that happened, but this? This was possibly the weirdest.

As if all of the above wasn't enough, I'd like to leave you with a little recap of what to expect should you or someone you know, ever, uh...reach their full potential. Behold, The Percentages.

I'm not sure at what percent a magical harp appears.

0% ... you purchase Lucy
1% ... you watch it. All the way through.
2% ... you write about it
3% ... you read what about it (sorry)
10% ... you stop being my friend
20% ...you can remove bullets from yourself (though, unfortunately you can't remove pesky bloodstains) Oh, and you can read Chinese
30% ... you can scare dogs! Nice!
40% ...you can easily spit out your own teeth, but your face might fall apart. Because you've turned into the electricity Gremlin!
60% ... you can make others fly. Also, though unverified in the film, when you kiss someone, their genitals explode
70% ... you turn into Venom
80% ... the good news, you can create the most advanced 'new-generation' computer the world has ever seen. The bad news? Despite your infinite wisdom, it looks likes Satan's gaming chair
90% ... you can travel the world in the blink of an eye, but you only go to lame places
99% ... (I didn't write anything down)


And finally, when you reach the point where you are using 100% of your brain? You do the smartest f--king thing ever.


You leave this movie and roll the goddamn credits.